deluge. [shamefully broken]

call me andrew · Post by **call me andrew** » 4/23/2003, 5:29 am

i especially like the second stanza in that one alex

happening fish · Post by **happening fish** » 5/1/2003, 6:20 pm

calmly, watching me with your blue eyes
did you ever stop to realize
i was watching you right back

testing, grievous empty people
catch me in your loophole
everything that i lack

twisting, calling in the vanguard
silently i stand guard
wanting you with me

purpose, floating through the fast time
running through my fingers
hating wait and see

lora · Post by **lora** » 5/1/2003, 7:20 pm

whoa, nice ambiance.

happening fish · Post by **happening fish** » 5/2/2003, 4:14 pm

is it just me or does everything suck :mad:

You punched ragged holes in my heart
With a fist so tender that I hardly felt it
Having trouble feeling anything much

Had to forgive cause I didn’t really care
Except underneath where I’m bleeding
Having trouble caring about much

Laying here sprawled out on a comfortable bed
Draining my life through my fingertips
Having trouble being sure I’m alive

happening fish · Post by **happening fish** » 5/3/2003, 5:00 pm

And no one fucking cares either :mad:

Axtech · Post by **Axtech** » 5/3/2003, 6:40 pm

This one is very good. You can really feel the emotion.

happeninfish wrote:You punched ragged holes in my heart
With a fist so tender that I hardly felt it

Those two lines are especially good. The contrast is great. The lines imply two different actions (of tearing into a heart), yet they work together so well.

Bravo! :thumbs:

Axtech · Post by **Axtech** » 5/3/2003, 6:40 pm

...and I care. :heythere:

happening fish · Post by **happening fish** » 5/4/2003, 9:15 am

happening fish · Post by **happening fish** » 5/21/2003, 3:29 pm

it's been a while. this took me all of chemistry to write... as you can probably tell, i'm not a fan of that class. anyway, this one still needs touching up but i thought i'd put it in here anyway.

i held the boy with the blue eyes that held me
i kissed the boy in the green sweater vest
he's too practical to love anybody
i'm too cynical to care

i saw the face that he hides behind his glasses
i heard him say that our lives are just a game
he's too proud to lean on anybody
i'm too weak to be there

i traded sorrows with the boy who writes stories
i spilled my tears on his green sweater vest
he's too smart to need anybody
i'm too alone to play fair

Axtech · Post by **Axtech** » 5/21/2003, 3:34 pm

Very well done. I love the structure of this one (the I, I, He, I setup). :love:

happening fish · Post by **happening fish** » 5/21/2003, 6:36 pm

It's a true story, you know.

Axtech · Post by **Axtech** » 5/21/2003, 7:44 pm

Yes, I think I do know.

I do, don't I? :freak:

happening fish · Post by **happening fish** » 5/21/2003, 8:00 pm

possibly? i don't remember. oh well

sandsleeper · Post by **sandsleeper** » 5/22/2003, 4:01 pm

i love it. it has a great rythm. :thumbs:

happening fish · Post by **happening fish** » 9/22/2003, 6:11 pm

it's been a while.
----------------------

Minsky*

as she sat beside me on the couch
this crazy girl
she leaned in and said
"my love
what if our minds are just branches
of a giant human unconscious?"
her voice dropped to a whisper
"would you let me
into your mind?"
i said yes
and she let me
into her pants

happening fish · Post by **happening fish** » 9/23/2003, 12:42 pm

ten days ago the world exploded
with fires and bombs, but no one noticed
i see the death, you walk right past it
and what do we see when we're blind?

ten days ago the earth heaved open
the shattered sky rained jesus fragments
i put my head in my hands and cried
and what do we feel when we're numb?

happening fish · Post by **happening fish** » 9/23/2003, 12:46 pm

when the world is made of plastic crap
and love is bought and sold
baby i ain't coming back
to a world without a soul

when the world is ads on cheap TV's
and they love you for your clothes
baby don't wait up for me
i'm taking off on my own

and it's so sad
but it's too late
and it's too bad
i'm taking off

so feed me facial creams and surgery
make my bed on a pile of magazines
but baby don't wait up for me
i'm taking off

and it's so sad
but it's too late
and it's too bad
i'm taking off

trentm32 · Post by **trentm32** » 9/23/2003, 2:26 pm

you are, bar none, one of the best amatuer poets I have ever read. way to be.

happening fish · Post by **happening fish** » 9/23/2003, 7:36 pm

wow

i think that's the most flattering thing i've ever been told.

Axtech · Post by **Axtech** » 9/23/2003, 7:43 pm

Very, very nice! :nod:

I especially like this stanza...

happeningfish wrote:so feed me facial creams and surgery
make my bed on a pile of magazines
but baby don't wait up for me
i'm taking off

I love the "i'm taking off" lines. Interpretable otherwise, but it definately reflects your personality.

I definately agree with Trent. :thumbs: