TTYNKAM (TYPDCAA) IV

Post by **xjsb125** » 1/25/2009, 3:03 pm

I watched my Granny die on a hospital bed in November 2007. Sand is correct, do what is best for you. At the same time, don't bottle it all inside. Celebrate a life instead of mourning it's loss. It's a hell of a challenge, I know. You have all our condolences.

Shanae · Post by **Shanae** » 1/25/2009, 3:37 pm

It's all weird now, too, because I learned the truth about my "family" about a month ago. It didn't really hit me hard and didn't necessarily 'change my life' or anything, but it still is... well, yeah, like I said: weird.

My Mom's oldest sibling is about 20 years older than her. I did the math, and I figured Grandma was 40-some when she gave birth to my Mom. One day, in the car, my sister, Mom, and I were having a conversation about baby names, which led to me asking how old her dad was when she was born. (Her dad passed away when she was six; I never met him.)

Mom said, "I have a secret to tell you." I figured it would be a little joke that Mom likes to do or something, but then she said, "Auntie IR is my mom."

And no, IR isn't her real name. Haha. But continuing on, it turns out that Auntie (technically my grandmother) got pregnant in university in the sixties, and that sort of thing was looked down on, so my Great Grandma (aka the one I've always known as Grandma... the one that just passed away) adopted Mom.

It was pretty twisted.

And I don't know what kind of relevance this has to my Grandma dying, but whatever.

I'm so glad I got to say goodbye, though. I cried, and held her hand, and said, "I love you Grandma. And I always wished that I had your blue eyes." She gave me a hug and two kisses...

It's odd that I'm more upset over having to attend the funeral over having Grandma die. I've pretty much accepted that, and have had lots of time to prepare for it. The funeral and prayers really freak me out, for whatever reason...

Sorry for the rambling, but sometimes I just need to get it out (on a message board, I guess...)

Post by **xjsb125** » 1/25/2009, 4:27 pm

What better place?

That's actually not that uncommon, the family situation. My mother in law was raised by her grandmother. It's not really twisted. It's just what happened because of the circumstances and moral pressure put on people back then. My second cousin had a baby at 14, back in the early 70's, and her mother forced her to give the baby up for adoption. Definitely not a weird situation for your family, though I'm sure it feels that way for you.

Random Name · Post by **Random Name** » 1/25/2009, 4:41 pm

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma. What are your favorite memories of her?
Funerals are weird strange things and it's hard to go through. I've had to attend more than I'd like to admit to (that I'm not sure everyone knows about) but the first one is always the hardest. Go, and go to the cemetery, and be there and get upset and be okay with it.

crustine · Post by **crustine** » 1/25/2009, 5:55 pm

Big *HUGS* Shanae. I completely understand your reluctance and fear of the funeral. When my dad passed away there was this busy time between death and the funeral where (mostly myself) there was so much to do and organize and in many ways it was good to be busy, it helped get through the initial shock. Then the funeral came and I knew I would be forced to face the hard reality of his death. It is an incredibly intimate event where everyones emotions are in the open and it stands in stark contrast to how most of us live. For that it is the unknown and a bit scary. As everyone here has said it is a really good ritual in that it allows a certain closure to the end of the living of your Grandma's physical body. After all it wasnt her body who made her who she was, it was the memories you created and the love that she gave to you. That is still here. So go, be sad and be happy for having had known her and shared in her love.

you know you have support here. *hugs*

xoNoDoubt69 · Post by **xoNoDoubt69** » 1/26/2009, 5:56 am

at my work christmas party last night, my store manager asked me when the next time i worked was. when i told her wednesday, she said good, we'll talk then. i'm HOPING she is finally gonna let me come and work daytime so i can get away from my evil supervisor since i've only been bugging her to for months!

nikki4982 · Post by **nikki4982** » 1/26/2009, 6:37 am

I'm shocked Kohl's actually had the Christmas party... and only a month after Christmas!

crustine · Post by **crustine** » 1/26/2009, 10:22 am

seems to be the trend these days to have Christmas parties in January, it is a much less busy time for most people.

Shanae · Post by **Shanae** » 1/26/2009, 4:56 pm

Yeah, I guess it's not exactly uncommon, but it was a shock to my system because I had absolutely no clue. It's weird more than anything.

The funeral wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. Mom said it'd be a closed casket, but at the Prayers last night, they decided at the last minute to make it an open casket. I was walking into the room with my brother, and bailed out and asked the funeral director to seat me somewhere that I couldn't see. I sat with my mom's friend and a woman that used to be a teacher's aid at my school. I sat in a back pew today at the funeral, too.

It was sad, but I'm just... well, glad it's over with. She was suffering.

Johnny · Post by **Johnny** » 1/26/2009, 5:12 pm

The thing that gets to me at the funerals is the grief of the other people. Case in point: I freaked out when I saw my aunt crying over my grandpa's casket.

crustine · Post by **crustine** » 1/26/2009, 5:51 pm

we definitely have a culture where the dead body is taboo. We are so sheltered from being in contact with the dead and our rituals keep us sheltered from the body. I just finished reading The Secret Life of Bees where they bring the body in the casket into the home and sit with it until they are comfortable with it, which marks the beginning of acceptance of the death. Lots of other cultures have very different rituals, like open burning, burying before sundown, funeral chants and prayers lasting days all very different than the traditions we see commonly in Canada.

I think as I get older I am less intimidated by dead bodies. Like you I did not want to see my brother's body. I think if i were to spend days with him it might have been different.

I am glad you made it through the day. It will be difficult this next year with all the family events, birthdays holidays etc especially on your mom, know that we are always here if you just want to talk about it. Hang in there.

myownsatellite · Post by **myownsatellite** » 1/26/2009, 6:00 pm

Darth Wenus wrote:The thing that gets to me at the funerals is the grief of the other people. Case in point: I freaked out when I saw my aunt crying over my grandpa's casket.

I'm a little the same way - when my friend Millie died, I was crying a little at the funeral, but when I looked over and saw my dad crying I lost it.

But I'm like Shanae, I don't like to see the person either. It's mostly because the person in that box is not the person I loved, it's just an empty shell. The person I loved is gone. It's hard to deal with that, you know? Looking at a body just tends to make it worse for me.

Shanae · Post by **Shanae** » 1/26/2009, 6:26 pm

Yes, seeing my auntie crying and my mom crying definitely made me choke up more. My brother was almost crying, too.

I didn't know very many people there, but when we were thanking the guests for coming, it was a lot harder to thank someone I did know. A few of my parents' friends came out, and they'd give me a hug and advice and I'd cry.

That being said, I did not sob.

And crustine, I was totally thinking about that the other day. If it was in our culture to celebrate death and celebrate life, instead of having death as something that brings sadness, everything would be a lot different.

nikki4982 · Post by **nikki4982** » 1/26/2009, 11:45 pm

I never realized people were so freaked out by dead bodies. I guess that's what happens when you're raised by a casket salesman, going to funeral homes all the time.

In my opinion, spending time with the body of a loved one is the best way to say goodbye. After my dad died, the hospital let me and my mom sit with him for hours, as long as we needed. We just sat on each side of the bed, holding his hand and sobbing. I rested my head on his chest. It still took me years to mourn, but that experience definitely helped get to the acceptance stage of grief much sooner.

Post by **xjsb125** » 1/27/2009, 7:54 am

I still remember that day.

crustine · Post by **crustine** » 1/27/2009, 9:42 am

Shanae wrote:And crustine, I was totally thinking about that the other day. If it was in our culture to celebrate death and celebrate life, instead of having death as something that brings sadness, everything would be a lot different.

yeah i agree with you here. Our society draws the parallel between life and death but in reality the parallel is birth and death. They are passages of the body into and out of the state of 'living'. We should be celebrating in the same way. It is hard to wrap your mind around that concept because we are conditioned to behave according to our fear of death. Spending time with the body, as Nikki did, allows you to accept that the body won't be with us anymore. and kudos to the hospital for being so helpful.

Now i am wondering how that fits in with organ donation. i guess spending time with a body is out of the question - hmm maybe after the donation. random thoughts.

Shanae · Post by **Shanae** » 1/27/2009, 4:55 pm

The scariest thing about death for me is the uncertainty of what it holds and the concept of it lasting forever. I guess it all weighs in on what you believe.

myownsatellite · Post by **myownsatellite** » 1/27/2009, 5:45 pm

nikki4982 wrote:I never realized people were so freaked out by dead bodies. I guess that's what happens when you're raised by a casket salesman, going to funeral homes all the time.

They're turning the old Ciccorelli funeral home down the road from me into the Delaware branch of the Albany Public Library. I'm a little freaked out. Needless to say, I might not be able to go in there for a while...I'm afraid it will still smell like dead people

Books have a much less negative smell but it will take a while for them to take over the building.

I hate funeral homes. My mom got mad at me one day when I was a tween and sent me off to clean the Ciccorelli funeral home with my best friend (her aunt/uncle/someone in her family owned it), and I was so scared I would end up down with all the bodies and get stuck there.

I've always been afraid of death, but I've also been very afraid of seeing dead people. The only wake I've ever attended by myself was my friend Brian's, and even when I'm at a wake with other people I just stand in line withdrawn into myself not touching anything or anyone or even really looking around, or I sit in a chair in the back not talking to anyone. They make me very anxious.

Johnny · Post by **Johnny** » 1/27/2009, 5:50 pm

I wasnt freaked out at seeing my grandpa laying in his casket. As I said, the grief of my aunt(and eventually everyone else) un-nerved me to the point where I had to leave the building.

Shanae · Post by **Shanae** » 1/27/2009, 6:17 pm

I looked inside my great-grandma's coffin when she passed away about nine years ago. I wasn't very old, barely old enough to remember, but I remember my Dad lifting me up to see. I didn't know the woman at all, and I think it was my first time meeting her, and although it startled me a little bit, I wasn't that scared.

Maybe I was scared this time because it was someone I knew. It just wouldn't be her. Like... a shell.