heehee

Joey · Post by **Joey** » 9/26/2004, 1:37 pm

Top 10 Things A Man Would Never Say

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are realy sexy.
7. Her tits are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we're lost. We'd better pull over and ask for directions.

Top 10 Things A Woman Would Never Say

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpit are just too cute!
5. This diamond is way too big!
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow!
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong. You must be right again.

How To Shower Like A Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country.Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo, woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut scratch your balls.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower)
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Johnny · Post by **Johnny** » 9/26/2004, 4:13 pm

I made a shampoo Mohawk once :nod:

nikki4982 · Post by **nikki4982** » 9/26/2004, 4:13 pm

Why am I not surprised.

Penguin Josh · Post by **Penguin Josh** » 9/26/2004, 4:52 pm

Axtech · Post by **Axtech** » 9/26/2004, 5:04 pm

Come on. Who hasn't made a shampoo mohawk! Ferris Bueller did it! :lol:

I have to disagree with 1, 4, 7 and 9 on the things men wouldn't say.

Number one's just too chliché.

Oh, and number four is ribbed for your pleasure. :thumbs:

Joey · Post by **Joey** » 9/27/2004, 1:33 pm

You Know You're From Canada When:

You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk."

You understand the phrase, "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

You drink pop, not soda.

You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean.

You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars.

You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion and many more are Canadians.

You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

You know what a touque is.

You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee".

You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan."

You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."

You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary and more polite than, "Huh?"

Winter. Whenever you want it. And then some.

There's German food, Italian food, Chinese food, Armenian food, American food, but NO Canadian food.

You call a "mouse" a "moose".

You like the Americans a little because they don't want Quebec either.

Contests run by anyone other than the government have "skill-testing questions" that winners must answer correctly before they can claim a prize.

Everything is labelled in English and French.

Milk comes in plastic bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

Mountain Dew has no caffeine.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Canada.

Joey · Post by **Joey** » 9/27/2004, 1:37 pm

http://www.blogthings.com/wherefrom.html

some of those are funny .. especially the toronto one

Johnny · Post by **Johnny** » 9/27/2004, 2:08 pm

wtf is a chesterfield? :think:

Joey · Post by **Joey** » 9/27/2004, 2:18 pm

and you call yourself a canadian? :neutral:

Johnny · Post by **Johnny** » 9/27/2004, 2:21 pm

*hangs head in shame*

Rusty · Post by **Rusty** » 9/27/2004, 2:55 pm

Chanandler Bong wrote:wtf is a chesterfield?

it's a couch dude, you most likely have one in front of your tv.

superboots · Post by **superboots** » 9/27/2004, 3:02 pm

HAHAHA

this is sweet

You Know You're From Detroit When...
You call McNichols 6 Mile

You pronounce Lahser as "Lasher"

You add an "s" on Livernois

You own a pair of gators in a variety of colors

Your gators match your suit (pink, purple, green, etc.)

You`ve had to wait forever for the DOT bus

Your car payment is higher than your rent

You outfit cost more than your car payment

You get your nails and hair done every week just to go to the mall

You can do any of the 3,000 hustles

You take ballroom hustle lessons

You airbrush your toenails

You put nail tips and acrylic on your toenails

You`re familiar with the term "Dress to Impress"

You can find a cabaret on any given Saturday of the year

You listen to Mason in the morning on 102.7 FM

You know the words to "Hello Detroit" by Sammy Davis Jr.

You are mad about the Joe Louis Statue (the fist) in the middle of Jefferson

Your neighborhood church is across the street or next door to a liquor store AND a Chinese food restaurant

You don`t know the difference between winter white and summer white

You've been to a club at 1 am and paid $20 to party for one hour

You can buy an outfit, activate your cell phone, and buy lunch at the corner liquor store

You get your hair "did"

You have Mardi Gras beads from Fishbone`s hanging from your rear view mirror

Youo've stopped at a shrimp shack after 2 am (because it tastes the best at this time)

You think that Lou's Deli (the Mc Nichols location) has the best corned beef sandwiches!

You shop at Cest La Vie

You've had to drive a half a mile to make a left turn (The Michigan Left)

You drink Faygo pop

You've knocked all the hub caps off your car - and your alignment's totally out of whack

You go to the Auto Show to find men / women

You own a red leather outfit

You shop at Mr. Alan`s to get the 2 for $50 deal

You shop at City Slicker shoes and the Broadway

You know the words to the City Slicker Shoes and the Broadway radio commercials

You've been to the Festival in Hart Plaza

You own a Navigator or an Expedition and you live with your mother

The Cass Corridor is your jogging route.

Wednesday is Metro Times day.

You have a taste for coney dogs.

You can dodge potholes without dropping your cell phone.

You can name the CEOs of all the Big 3.

You can't get to sleep without the sound of sirens.

You hate the city, but you'll kick the ass of anyone who disses it.

You love Vernor's and Better Made Chips

You refer to the city as "the D."

You swim at Belle Isle beach.

You bitch about the need for mass transit but know deep down you'd never use it.

You know the given names of all the expressways.

People get scared when you say you're from here.

You have two cars: One for daily use, and one hooptie for extreme occasions.

A six-street intersection with a Michigan turn seems logical.

You think Devil's Night is celebrated everywhere.

If it's less than 10 blocks away, you drive anyway.

You are connected to Eminem by 3 or fewer people.

You know Eminem and Kid Rock are not actually from Detroit, but Warren (a suburb) and a small farm town.

You have ridden the People Mover.

When you pull up to a red light, you roll up your windows.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Detroit.

superboots · Post by **superboots** » 9/27/2004, 3:03 pm

^ some of those really have to do with the black culture in detroit but a lot of them are funny

stlloki · Post by **stlloki** » 9/27/2004, 3:07 pm

Mt. Dew has no caffeine?!?! :wtf:

Hey us American Hockey fans perk up to the Hockey Night in Canada theme too :love:

But alas...that will not be heard for a long long while :cry:

Sonya · Post by **Sonya** » 9/27/2004, 3:13 pm

Joey wrote:You Know You're From Canada When:

You understand the phrase, "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

i just broke down laughing when i saw this one.

:lol:

Joey · Post by **Joey** » 9/27/2004, 3:17 pm

^ there's one for B.C too :nod:

Sonya · Post by **Sonya** » 9/27/2004, 3:40 pm

:O

*checks*

Sonya · Post by **Sonya** » 9/27/2004, 3:48 pm

You Know You're From British Columbia When...
~ You know the provincial flower
~ You consider that if it has no snow, it is not a real mountain.
~ You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Blendz, and Tim Horton's.
~ You know how to pronounce Squamish, Osoyoos & Nanaimo.
~ You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean and Thai food.
~ In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark - while only working eight-hour days.
~ You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
~ You know that Dawson Creek is a town, not a TV show.
~ You can point to at least two ski mountains, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
~ You notice "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
~ You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 5, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
~ You switch to your sandals when it gets about 10, but keep the socks on.
~ You recognize the background shots in your favourite movies & TV shows.
~ You buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.
~ You use a down comforter in the summer.
~ The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
~ The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
~ Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
~ You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
~ You've been to a deforestation protest
~ If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
~ It's November, it's raining, but you're still wearing birkenstocks
~ You go broke just paying rent.
~ You don't own a heavy winter coat
~ You can't figure out why Manitoba is considered part of Western Canada.
~ You wouldn't be caught dead on Vancouver Island or Vancouver without your umbrella and plastic shoes.

~~~

:O

superboots · Post by **superboots** » 9/27/2004, 6:31 pm

You shop at Mr. Alan`s to get the 2 for $50 deal

MR ALANS TWO FOR FIDDY!

TWENTY BUUUCKS!

:lol:

Joey · Post by **Joey** » 9/27/2004, 7:17 pm

i like this one for toronto:

You consider eye contact a sign of hostility and an invasion of your privacy.

that's so true :lol:

everyone scares me in toronto, ESPECIALLY if they make eye contact :lol: