ClumsyMonkey.net

well aren't you just a fucking party pooper

what's red and looks like a bucket?



















a red bucket

This is why I love you guys...

Here's a couple of science-y ones I love but just prove how much of a geek I am:

One atom said to another atom, "I think I just lost an electron." The second atom said, "Are you sure?" and the first said, "I'm positive."


If you stick two bears in water, which one will dissolve first?





The white one, because it's polar.

a hunter is hunting in the woods...somewhere
and he kills this one bear and hes about to go home when he sees another bear come up to him and say "you just killed my brother!! you have two choices. either i kill you, or i have sex with you." the hunter groans and says "well shit i don't want to die." so the next morning, he's found at the side of the road, bleeding and obviously in a lot of pain. he's taken to the hospital, and stays in there for two months. when he gets out, he searches around for that bear. when he finally finds it, noticing it because of the particular markings around its eyes, he manages to kill it. he's just about to go home when, lo and behold, a bear comes up behind him and says, "you just killed my cousin!! you have two choices. either i have sex with you, or i kill you." again, the next morning, he's found at the side of the road, bleeding. he is taken to the hospital, and this time, only stays in there for a month and a half, because it doesn't take as long to recover, seeing as he's done it before. so, once he gets out, he goes in a search for the bear. after he finds it, finally, he shoots it dead. about to head for home, another bear appears out of the shadows and says, "buddy, you don't come for the hunting, do ya?"

modern psychokitty wrote:One atom said to another atom, "I think I just lost an electron." The second atom said, "Are you sure?" and the first said, "I'm positive."

Ahh you killed that one! it's:

A hydrogen atom walks into a bar looking really sad. The bartender asks him what's wrong and he says "I lost my electron". Bartender asks "are you sure?" The hydrogen atom answers, "i'm positive."


my friend told me this one a couple years ago in a Hallmark (don't ask why i remember this) and she screwed it up really badly and started laughing and couldn't get the actual joke out and i was like
I think she said something like " hydrogen atom walks into a bar looking really sad. The bartender asks him "what's wrong ?" and he says "i'm positive"... and the bartender says "are you sure?" ....wait..."

happeningfish wrote:

modern psychokitty wrote:One atom said to another atom, "I think I just lost an electron." The second atom said, "Are you sure?" and the first said, "I'm positive."

Ahh you killed that one! it's:

A hydrogen atom walks into a bar looking really sad. The bartender asks him what's wrong and he says "I lost my electron". Bartender asks "are you sure?" The hydrogen atom answers, "i'm positive."


my friend told me this one a couple years ago in a Hallmark (don't ask why i remember this) and she screwed it up really badly and started laughing and couldn't get the actual joke out and i was like
I think she said something like " hydrogen atom walks into a bar looking really sad. The bartender asks him "what's wrong ?" and he says "i'm positive"... and the bartender says "are you sure?" ....wait..."

no no no...you've both got it all wrong. i heard it the other day at the science centre. it goes like this:

an atom walks into a detective's office. the atom says, " detective, i need your help, i've lost my electron, i can't find it any where" the detective asks "are you sure?" The atom answers, "i'm positive".

a man walks into a bar.


ouch.













oh, come on. i'm surprised no one's mentioned that one yet.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a bush?
-Russel

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water?
-Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?
-Art

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the floor?
-Matt

Cracky wrote:What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a bush?
-Russel

First of all it's "Russell" That joke also earned me the name "Bushman" For many years.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

this thread is hilarious

I know, I love these jokes.

tresly amuzzling

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

ick

I found it somewhere else. I figured it belonged here.

Why are those two couches on top of each other?
Maybe they are making "love seats."

BAHAHAHA AWESOME!