part 3
My labor was no different than the other babies' labors. It looked and felt identical. It progressed exactly the same way. The only difference here, again, was my attitude. I was not assuming that an anesthetist was coming. And to be honest, even when people continually asked me if I was getting an epidural, I would say the words ... "I AM NOT GETTING ONE, DO NOT GET ME ONE," even though I didn't even believe me 100%. So now, the only thing that was different was the fact that I was on a path, kind of like a long distance run you decide to take, even though you don't really think you can do it, you find yourself on that trail, running, doing what you thought was impossible. There I was. My whole body tensing up with each contraction. I didn't like that.
I realized that I needed the rest of my body to relax and go super zen and chilled out while the contraction was happening. Just because my uterus was contracting, didn't mean that the whole of me needed to turn into a contraction. I would take a breath, and then I would exhale through the whole contraction to a very, very deep place. I would close my eyes and imagine the ultimate surrender, realizing that this too would pass, like all things, and very soon. It was working.
As the labor progressed, I honored a little Aboriginal Canadian cultural trait in the women ... my grandmother, who was Métis (one of three recognized Aboriginal peoples in Canada), just passed away in March. I am very interested in my ancestry, and I have been told by my aunts, who are nurses, that the native women are quiet during labor. Now, I understand. It is total and utter trust in nature to go into a very quiet and peaceful place. So, I did all of my contractions -- up until transition -- silently.
Raine did not know I was having a contraction unless I told him it went by! It was so neat. I would close my eyes, keep pushing out this long deep breath, and I would imagine going into a cool dark lake, a place very isolated from everything in the world. Another visual I had was the Downy commercials, where they show a fluffy blanket or towel landing in slow motion in the laundry basket. How it sort of reverberates as it lands super gently. That may sound so crazy to most, but it really worked for me. I imagined being beneath the contraction, and yet the contraction itself being flat and soft and not threatening rather than this big, intense, overpowering thing and that is what it became.
I noticed that when I went into a very good space, and received and embraced and submitted to the contraction, it was totally doable. THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I HAD TO PUKE! I told Raine I was going to vomit, he hopped up and started to look for a bucket. He went and got the nurse, and he said to her, "My wife seems like she is far along. She is kind of like how she was just before getting an epidural at 7 cms on the last births." The nurse asked me to get on the bed so she could check me. She told Raine and I that I was at 7 cms, and we cried. We had "done it." My motivation went up so high when I heard that I was at 7. I could not believe how rewarding that felt. I had done the work!
By this time, it was probably about 4:35 in the morning. All of a sudden I felt the baby go down my body. It was so intense. Now he felt stuck there, and it was really intense and overwhelming. I was no longer as cool and collected. The nurse checked me again, and I was at 8-9 cms dilated. Now Raine was super excited, and I was petrified from the intensity. He was saying I had done it, and I was saying, "I haven't done it, I cannot do it, and get me the pain meds now." I could not do it. I no longer thought this was a good idea. I said I was going to faint, and the nurse said I wouldn't, then I said I would die now, and again she said I would not die.
The nurses said my doctor was on the way. I said I could not hold the baby in anymore, and I had an overwhelming sensation, overpowering desire to bear down. Wow, it was so intense. The nurses told me to wait, the doctor would be here in a second, and we'd push then. I said I couldn't hold on. I heard someone run down the hall. I screamed my doctor's name. It wasn't her. I was now in a total state of panic wondering where the hell the doctor was.
She screamed in the room. I told her, "HE'S COMING NOW, MARIA." She put on her gloves, and said "Ok, ready?" The girls tried to get me to give them my legs, and I couldn't imagine moving. It was so bizarre. I let them just pick up my parts and shift me, as I could not. They kept telling me I could do things that I could not -- these women who had earlier told me that they did not see the point in my suffering if I didn't need to. But now they were letting me know that I could do it, and that it was too late for an epidural, and that it would be fine. I took a huge breath, and imagined not hurting myself, and being super strong and gentle and even all in the same moment, and I pushed that baby out in ONE BIG LONG push!!!
Now, I HAD to, because I couldn't withstand any more of the sensation of the place I was in. I figure the other women who push for a while, well, maybe they are stronger than me! I personally had,had enough!! I think I was in a state of shock when the baby came out. I didn't really react to him right away, per se. It is so wild to be in such a crazy place, and then all of a sudden there is a baby, and it is all over. Miraculous. I really think I was in shock! We did it. I don't know what more to say really, that is it.
I was certain during 10 cms/transition that doing it uninterrupted was a mistake, and I VOWED never to have a child again! But now that it has been 3 days -- actually, about 2 minutes after -- I was and have been elated that that is how it went down. People talk about a ring of fire. I didn't experience that, so I guess everyone is different. For me it was mind over matter. The next day, a lady described how she got to 9 cms, and felt the baby coming down, and found it too much and got the drugs in the end. I thought, well, that is where I was, but I still did it. Having said that, maybe she did feel more pain, and they let her get the drugs because they felt she really couldn't do it. It is a complicated thing.
Anyway, I will say this: Now that I have done it uninterrupted, I feel like the president of a company who knows what he is talking about and doing, because he has been the janitor, the guy who goes to get the coffee, the accounts payable dude and the highly paid executive. I really feel like I know my way around this particular office, and honestly, I TOTALLY get why people get pain meds, and I TOTALLY get why they don't.
I have done it both ways, and I am really glad I have.
Thank god mother, father, baby and sons are doing good.
