This guy is awesome!

Lando · Post by **Lando** » 3/22/2007, 1:04 am

Okay, so I found this post that claims it came from craigslist. You should all read it. It's hilarious and the guy who did it is a genius.

Here you go!

I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

xoNoDoubt69 · Post by **xoNoDoubt69** » 3/22/2007, 8:47 am

haha wow

trentm32 · Post by **trentm32** » 3/22/2007, 9:22 am

whoa.

Random Name · Post by **Random Name** » 3/22/2007, 10:10 am

hahahahhahaha wow.
I donno why someone would feel compelled to trap someone else like that, but whatever.

Still funny.

Henrietta · Post by **Henrietta** » 3/22/2007, 12:43 pm

That was really sad.

Neil · Post by **Neil** » 3/22/2007, 1:53 pm

That was too much to read; I'll get back to you on this one.

neoncrossing · Post by **neoncrossing** » 3/22/2007, 2:58 pm

that was awesome...that guy is my hero...

why do women do that...they are so crazy

Henrietta · Post by **Henrietta** » 3/22/2007, 3:00 pm

Why do men do that? He's a douche.

crustine · Post by **crustine** » 3/22/2007, 3:22 pm

while i think it is a slightly amusuing story, I personally think the guy is as pathetic as the woman.
He starts with Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

it shows where he is coming from
i guess shallow begets shallow

Lando · Post by **Lando** » 3/22/2007, 4:28 pm

maybe so, but he said he wanted a casual relationship and I assume his target audience was men and i doubt he's a professional writer. I'm sure he thought his brief description sort of let people visualize what she looked like, or added to the story... Not that it was necessary to know those things, but like you said... he's probably shallow. At least he's smart.

Also Cass, if you're going to have your whole life controlled by someone who sleeps around and expects you to marry them and support a child that's not yours, two completely life changing things, then you're with a BAD person. He felt he had to do more than say, "hey you're a slut and I'm not the father" so that she'll actually realize that what she's doing is absolutely wrong and so that she won't ever try it again with someone else. I've heard of people doing things like this before and usually it ends up in court pending the paternity test, this guy was lucky he did it the way he did because I'm sure he saved a lot of money on legal fees.

Neil · Post by **Neil** » 3/22/2007, 5:47 pm

Henrietta wrote:Why do men do that? He's a douche.

He's the douche? :lol:

Granted, he should've just told her he was nutted straight out........but still, entrapment. She wanted to trap his stupid ass from the get-go.

I don't get why that crosses the minds of females. A friend of mine is going through that with his ex right now; she's being an uber-bitch about it.

Lando · Post by **Lando** » 3/22/2007, 5:51 pm

I think men are capable of it too, it's not a female thing, other than the pregnancy issue.

Neil · Post by **Neil** » 3/22/2007, 6:03 pm

Lando wrote:I think men are capable of it too, it's not a female thing, other than the pregnancy issue.

Stop hating! :lol:

Don't always play "middle of the road beyotch".

laurel · Post by **laurel** » 3/22/2007, 6:33 pm

...i fully believe guys are capable of it too. there are ways of trying to trap females into relationships, too.

Henrietta · Post by **Henrietta** » 3/22/2007, 8:37 pm

She is a crazy woman. But he's still a douche.

Axtech · Post by **Axtech** » 3/22/2007, 9:07 pm

Henrietta wrote:She is a crazy woman. But he's still a douche.

my thoughts exactly

crustine · Post by **crustine** » 3/22/2007, 9:28 pm

i also find this whole concept of 'trapping' a man with a child pretty offensive. This seems to be used as an excuse to blame the woman too often.
Granted in this scenario we can say that this partner was not the father but in most cases the partner in the relationship is the father. In such cases how can men go around saying she is trying to trap me with a kid? The man played a part in making fertilizing that egg so the onus is not all on the woman. And the fact that an irresponsible sexual resulted in a pregnancy is not the womans fault or most likely the intention of the act.

i am ramblin i just find this whole idea that women go around catchin men by having unprotected sex, i think most women of even low intellegence want more from a relationship than duty.

Gimme_Shelter · Post by **Gimme_Shelter** » 3/23/2007, 12:27 am

Henrietta wrote:Why do men do that? He's a douche.

what are you talking about "why do men do that"

she tried to completly fuck him over
its a short term relationship and she goes out and fucks a bunch of dudes, gets pregnant, then attempts to ruin his life

ya sounds to me like hes the douche...

what a shit bag this woman is

Henrietta · Post by **Henrietta** » 3/23/2007, 12:43 am

My comment was in response to "why do women do that?" Well it's not like that guy has any moral high ground on her. That's all I meant. Maybe the more appropriate comment is that they are both douches :lol:

myownsatellite · Post by **myownsatellite** » 3/23/2007, 1:54 am

The fact of the matter is, she cheated on him, and then tried to TRAP him into the relationship. I think she deserved what she got, whether the guy's a "douche" or not. I think he played it the smart way. And why should he tell her he's shooting blanks? They haven't formed a commitment, as she's obviously fucking someone else, and he's not into her for the marriage thing.