Hey guys, I'm trying out my poetic wings, so critique me, but gently...
Her Eyes
And her eyes are an ocean
One so vast, so open
The edges stretch beyond the sky
And I sit on the bank
My toes sink into the sand so low
Watch the sun burst from the sea
Oh the colors you should see
That fly like birds, so crazy, so free
Millions of birds that invade my senses
The colors perform a dance
A waltz just for me
Oranges and blues circle over themselves in love
I dare not move
For fear that I, Imperfect,
Would tear apart this delicate thing
But I am satisfied just to watch
To see the sun retire itself in the evening
Just to hear the ocean whisper in my ear
She walks into the room, and sits herself across from me
I faintly hear the crash of waves, and look up
A sunrise begins to break
Her eyes
So tell me what you guys think?
rants, ravings, and the occasional insight
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cyberjoe444
- Posts: 11
- Joined: 4/7/2005, 10:25 pm
- Location: Now, if I told you that, you'd be after me Lucky Charms
oooo i like it. considering you're just "trying out or poetic wings", it's excellent.
one or two things i think: you don't need the "and"s in the first lines of the first two paragraphs. they sound awkward.
and also, you might want to rework the last two lines, the end sounds kind of abrupt. also, in the beginning, you're comparing her eyes to the ocean, then at the end, her eyes are being compared to the sunrise. which is it? you should clarify.
i love the fifth paragraph. it fits into the poem very nicely, and the language is really good.
overall, well done
one or two things i think: you don't need the "and"s in the first lines of the first two paragraphs. they sound awkward.
and also, you might want to rework the last two lines, the end sounds kind of abrupt. also, in the beginning, you're comparing her eyes to the ocean, then at the end, her eyes are being compared to the sunrise. which is it? you should clarify.
i love the fifth paragraph. it fits into the poem very nicely, and the language is really good.
overall, well done
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AnnieDreams
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- Location: St. John's, Newfoundland
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trentm32
- Oskar Winner: 2005
- Posts: 2272
- Joined: 3/17/2002, 2:51 pm
- Location: my heart is in New York.
- Contact:
I dig it bro; good flow. with a bit of tweaking, it could own.
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
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happening fish
- Oskar Winner: 2006
- Posts: 17934
- Joined: 3/17/2002, 11:22 am
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cyberjoe444
- Posts: 11
- Joined: 4/7/2005, 10:25 pm
- Location: Now, if I told you that, you'd be after me Lucky Charms
-
cyberjoe444
- Posts: 11
- Joined: 4/7/2005, 10:25 pm
- Location: Now, if I told you that, you'd be after me Lucky Charms
I found this lying around:
It all rushes past me
so fast
I can't stop it
I can't
feel it
I won't love it
Why must he suffer
And why must she weep for this
But Beauty dances with Fate
And we watch
As the two circle around
And around
And around
Until the dawn breaks
Can I hate what is
Profound
Unknown
Un
Certain
Somehow I still drink
From that which drowns me
And I keep warm
With that which burns me
I walk on that
Which calls me
And do I not surrender
Unto that which blows
Ferociously
And finally
Let us raise our glasses
And toast
To the dance
Of Beauty and Fate
It all rushes past me
so fast
I can't stop it
I can't
feel it
I won't love it
Why must he suffer
And why must she weep for this
But Beauty dances with Fate
And we watch
As the two circle around
And around
And around
Until the dawn breaks
Can I hate what is
Profound
Unknown
Un
Certain
Somehow I still drink
From that which drowns me
And I keep warm
With that which burns me
I walk on that
Which calls me
And do I not surrender
Unto that which blows
Ferociously
And finally
Let us raise our glasses
And toast
To the dance
Of Beauty and Fate
And I say to any man or woman, Let your soul stand cool and composed before a million universes.
-
cyberjoe444
- Posts: 11
- Joined: 4/7/2005, 10:25 pm
- Location: Now, if I told you that, you'd be after me Lucky Charms
Scrawled out during Psych class:
Sometimes something inside me
Makes me want to run without shoes
Something just makes me want to
Shade my eyes from the sun
For just a little while
To taste the approaching rain
As heavy grey clouds
like an anvil
Settle, somehow delicately
Over my head
I need to feel the grass between my toes
And let it's fresh coolness
A green snake barely visible
Slither up my legs and along my belly
Into my hands
Throughout my hair
This is where I want to feel the moment
It is a first-time lover, enthralled
But all I am able to do
Is stare, stare out my window
The same window
Day after day
After day
My legs won't let me run
Because this chair is where I run and stand
Where I feel
What I see
But even though it's in this chair I run
I run without shoes
Sometimes something inside me
Makes me want to run without shoes
Something just makes me want to
Shade my eyes from the sun
For just a little while
To taste the approaching rain
As heavy grey clouds
like an anvil
Settle, somehow delicately
Over my head
I need to feel the grass between my toes
And let it's fresh coolness
A green snake barely visible
Slither up my legs and along my belly
Into my hands
Throughout my hair
This is where I want to feel the moment
It is a first-time lover, enthralled
But all I am able to do
Is stare, stare out my window
The same window
Day after day
After day
My legs won't let me run
Because this chair is where I run and stand
Where I feel
What I see
But even though it's in this chair I run
I run without shoes
And I say to any man or woman, Let your soul stand cool and composed before a million universes.
-
trentm32
- Oskar Winner: 2005
- Posts: 2272
- Joined: 3/17/2002, 2:51 pm
- Location: my heart is in New York.
- Contact:
YOUR MOTHER IS A ZIT!!
Bladaw!
Bladaw!
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
-
cyberjoe444
- Posts: 11
- Joined: 4/7/2005, 10:25 pm
- Location: Now, if I told you that, you'd be after me Lucky Charms
-
cyberjoe444
- Posts: 11
- Joined: 4/7/2005, 10:25 pm
- Location: Now, if I told you that, you'd be after me Lucky Charms
sorry I haven't posted in a while, but, here we go.....
Joe America
I need a fix
To catch my eye
Only for a second
A second that makes
me happy
Only for a second
I need to feel real good
Or maybe not feel a thing
Only
For
A second
I snap my fingers
And stomp the floor
And throw things and break things
Man, I need a fix
More than you
Can imagine
Just one second, man
And never again
But
Only
For
A second
Lonely Bird
A bird calling
Calling out to a friend
A mother or a father
Or a mate
A bird calling
And again it goes unanswered
Except for the tree leaves
Chattering underneath
Joe America
I need a fix
To catch my eye
Only for a second
A second that makes
me happy
Only for a second
I need to feel real good
Or maybe not feel a thing
Only
For
A second
I snap my fingers
And stomp the floor
And throw things and break things
Man, I need a fix
More than you
Can imagine
Just one second, man
And never again
But
Only
For
A second
Lonely Bird
A bird calling
Calling out to a friend
A mother or a father
Or a mate
A bird calling
And again it goes unanswered
Except for the tree leaves
Chattering underneath
And I say to any man or woman, Let your soul stand cool and composed before a million universes.