"O Canada, We Plead to Cede to Thee
By HOWARD GENSLER
ADOPT US, O Canada!
As a blue-red split continues in the Divided States of America, we
note that every blue state is contiguous to Canada or to a another
blue state that is contiguous to Canada, except Hawaii - that's not
contiguous to anything but a lot of blue water that's contiguous to
Canada.
Therefore, we've got an idea. How about a sort of second American
Revolution, Canada, in which you annex all the blue states, liberate
us from King George, and thus become the world's sole superpower.
What Canada Gets:
* Higher education: All eight Ivy League universities, Stanford,
U.Chicago and Northwestern all just lowered their admissions standards
for the kids from Saskatchewan.
* Serious sports: Forget the Super Bowl. With the Eagles,
Patriots,Steelers, Jets, Vikings and Packers, the Grey Cup is where
it's at.
You get the Expos back as they're now in D.C. But who needs the Expos
when you've got the Red Sox, Yankees, Twins, Mariners, Giants,
Dodgers, Angels, Padres, Phillies and Pirates. The World Series is
coming! The World Series is coming!
WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE:
A Daily News Graphic
The Raptors are Canada's favorite basketball team? We don't think so.
What about Flyers-Maple Leafs? Flyers-Canadiens? Settle the strike and
drop the puck.
* Warm-weather vacations: Sun yourselves whenever you want in Southern
California or Hawaii at Canada's beautiful beaches.
* The cultural arts: Tourists will love Canada's museums including the
Smithsonian, the Museum of Natural History and the Philadelphia Museum
of Art. Plus, in addition to Broadway, the Kennedy Center and top
regional theater, we're throwing in our best orchestras -
Philadelphia, Boston, Chicago and L.A.
* The entertainment industry: You already love our movies and TV shows
more than those red-staters and now when that rare production shoots
in California or New York instead of Vancouver or Toronto, you still
get credit for the jobs and the tax revenue.
* The automobile industry: Ohio can keep its Honda plant. GMs, Fords
and Chryslers are made in Canada.
* The biotech industry: With many of the world's top biotech firms
located in Massachusetts, New York, Washington and California (thanks
to $6 billion in new stem cell research funding), it's likely that
Canadian scientists will cure cancer and heart disease within the next
50 years.
* The computer industry: That's right, we keep Microsoft, Apple,
Hewlett-Packard and Silicon Valley. "America" gets Dell.
* A burgeoning tourist industry: You've now got a lot more to sell
than Toronto, the Cabot Trail and the glaciers in Banff. Even
red-staters love to visit Atlantic City, the Liberty Bell, Maui, the
Space needle and Disneyland (now Disney Canada).
* Fresher produce: Canada, the artichoke, garlic and strawberry
capital of the world. And Canadian wines just got a whole lot tastier.
* Arnold Schwarzenegger: He can't be president but he'd make a swell
Canadian premier.
What the Red-Staters get:
* Exactly what they want.
What Blue-Staters get:
* Canadian citizenship: And we don't even have to move.
* "O, Canada": A national anthem that's much easier to sing than "The
Star Spangled Banner."
* Free flu shots. (Not to mention free health care.)
You don't like our "values," red-staters, you've got your wish - we're
outta here.
But remember, the next time you want to see a Broadway show, visit
wine country, Hawaii or the birthplace of liberty, don't just bring
your Visa card, bring your visa.
You're in Canada now. And we're tightening our borders.
Don't delay, Canada. This offer expires in four years.
i see.
