Yet another song on the CM

[Sufjan Stevens]

OK, this song isn't that impressive, mainly because I wrote this at 4AM and was feeling woozy from taking some pills. Anyway, I would like some constructive comments, if you're willing to give them.

Also realize these are big steps for me, someone that is stuck in a writer's block. This is the first thing I finished in four months, so yeah. It will probably suck.

"On Your Way Home"

Every action seems overblown, after traveling through the unknown
I made so many wrong turns one would have to be right---
---Out of sight, you're out of line, let's pretend everything is fine
Or at least lie to ourselves to get us through tonight

And on your way home, rest assured that I will call to make sure you get back safely
On your way home, we can discuss just how you feel and why you think that you are free

We'll eat dinner and drink our Coke, and you can laugh at all my jokes
And when the band enters the stage I promise that I'll hold you tight---
---Around your finger I am tied, as we sing along side-by-side
After the encore we can go live our lives in the night

And on your way home, rest assured that I will call to make sure you get back safely
On your way home, we can discuss just how you feel and why you think that you are free

We'll come back to my place and sit, groggy and tired, we'll look like shit
We'll walk around our words trying to avoid a fight---
---ing back the tears swelled in your eyes, we'll hug and kiss for our goodbye
The last you'll see of me is through a squint because of your car lights

And on your way home, rest assured that I will call to make sure you get back safely
On your way home, we can discuss just how you feel and why you think that you are free

[areusad831]

i really like this stanza/verse:

Every action seems overblown, after traveling through the unknown
I made so many wrong turns one would have to be right---
---Out of sight, you're out of line, let's pretend everything is fine
Or at least lie to ourselves to get us through tonight

[undecided]

I like it, but I am not one that knows the difference between a good song and a bad song, but its cool and for something you wrote at 4 in the morning it is very good.
undecided

[starseed_10]

overall its good.
I agree with rob in that i really like the first stanza

I think this line could use some work:

After the encore we can go live our lives in the night

and the chorus seems a bit weak to me in writing, though it may sound a lot better in song.

[Sufjan Stevens]

Here's something I wrote at three in the morning. I think it's better than my previous song. I suppose by writing earlier in the morning, my writing improves. Maybe I should write something at like, three in the afternoon. Maybe it will be like, legible the next morning. Who knows? Anyways, here it is.

"Title Needed Here"
An elderly man institutionalized with problems that make him desensitized
Is given medication and sent to an asylum
To stare at patters of clouds in the sky, broken apart in his clouded eyes,
And is monitored to see what he will become
Freedom is word he learned to forget after electro-shock therapy treatments
Just to avoid the pan he learned to succumb
To whatever his nurses and doctors say, while his family chooses to look away
As to why their father is looking so glum
He chose to escape the tyranny and live on the streets in poverty
And strangers will walk faster to avoid the bum
Who's cold and hungry and looking confused, after suffereing years of mental abuse
Will live in this pain until his final day comes
(Outro)
While the doctors / blame his leaving / on Alzheimer's / he is slowly dying
As the cities / search for his body / the news pities / society