This is my first try at writing lyrics....i am very nervous about posting this cause i am a rookie at this.....but raine has inspired me to give it a try...and i want to learn to play guitar, so i can put music to this song....it is only a first draft that i wrote in 10 minutes so bear with me please....
Constructive criticism would be appreciated!
This is a song about my girlfriend dumping me last October, and how it killed me for a while, until i realized im happier now than i ever was, and i am back being myself again!
ITS ALL MINE
by Paul Gambale
After four great years
You threw it all away
I can't believe it's happening
It seems like yesterday
I want you to know
I loved you all along
But now that it's over
I know that it was wrong
You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine
Never thought I'd be
This happy without you
It's time to move on
I know that I'm due
I've got myself back
To the man I was
The man I was
Before I fell in love with you
You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine
You broke my heart when you said
"I'm sorry, but this is the end"
Now I'm okay, I'm doing fine
All the time I have, well it's all mine
You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine
It's all mine
It's all mine
It's all...........mine!
My first crack at writing lyrics!!!
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neoncrossing
- Posts: 1122
- Joined: 3/17/2002, 2:46 pm
- Location: Stoney Creek, ON
My first crack at writing lyrics!!!
Is there something good, something more?
Is there anything worth dying for?
Is there anything worth dying for?
all i can say is that this song has been written a thousand times.
you need to find something that makes your lyrics different from everyone else's.
you need to find something that makes your lyrics different from everyone else's.
we are the brand new beatniks. we are the down and outers.
we are the bleeding hearts, beating syncopated, broken rhythm.
our speed is often break neck. we need to slow it down.
tired of being sleepless. tired of being broken.
we are the bleeding hearts, beating syncopated, broken rhythm.
our speed is often break neck. we need to slow it down.
tired of being sleepless. tired of being broken.
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LightRainShower
- Posts: 11
- Joined: 5/20/2003, 4:21 pm
Your C&C.... Please don't take anything to heart...
ITS ALL MINE
by Paul Gambale
After four great years
You threw it all away
I can't believe it's happening
It seems like yesterday
I want you to know
I loved you all along
But now that it's over
I know that it was wrong
This strophe(verse/stanza) is chop full of cliches... Kind of overused sayings... Try to back off on them, they are a evil, evil force...
You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
You don't need this, not at all.. You're just kind of rewording your entire first strophe... I know it sounds kind of cool when a melody is going through your head, but try to get rid of the melody, it will only impair your writing..
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine
I like this little bit, Line 3 is a bit of a cliche, but well used... Good
Never thought I'd be
This happy without you
It's time to move on
I know that I'm due
I've got myself back
To the man I was
The man I was
Before I fell in love with you
Again with the rewording of the last strophe... Try to ween yourself off of this... Lines 1-4 and the last line are kind of lacking... Line 4 kind of confuses me...
You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine
You broke my heart when you said
"I'm sorry, but this is the end"
Now I'm okay, I'm doing fine
All the time I have, well it's all mine
You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine
It's all mine
It's all mine
It's all...........mine!
Overall, it's a decent first try... You seem to be conforming to a ryhme scheme... I beg of your, avoid this! Also... Also, try not to think of a melody when your writing, focus more on the words... Once the words are finished, then you can work out a melody... and remember, it is okay to change the music for the sake of the words...
Don't start off each line with a capital, it's makes it hard to read... Think of it as writing a sentence that just happens to rhyme... Such as
After four great years,
you threw it all away.
Now as for the rhyming, avoid it at all costs at this stage in your writing.. I mean this! Right now, you need to focus on your poetic language... Don't get me wrong, but I don't FEEL anything from reading this... This is more of what you would call a journal entry... If you want someone to get involved with the song, and get into it... Share how your feeling with them
Good try for your first time... But I suggest you set this one aside, forget about it and try writing something else..
ITS ALL MINE
by Paul Gambale
After four great years
You threw it all away
I can't believe it's happening
It seems like yesterday
I want you to know
I loved you all along
But now that it's over
I know that it was wrong
This strophe(verse/stanza) is chop full of cliches... Kind of overused sayings... Try to back off on them, they are a evil, evil force...
You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
You don't need this, not at all.. You're just kind of rewording your entire first strophe... I know it sounds kind of cool when a melody is going through your head, but try to get rid of the melody, it will only impair your writing..
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine
I like this little bit, Line 3 is a bit of a cliche, but well used... Good
Never thought I'd be
This happy without you
It's time to move on
I know that I'm due
I've got myself back
To the man I was
The man I was
Before I fell in love with you
Again with the rewording of the last strophe... Try to ween yourself off of this... Lines 1-4 and the last line are kind of lacking... Line 4 kind of confuses me...
You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine
You broke my heart when you said
"I'm sorry, but this is the end"
Now I'm okay, I'm doing fine
All the time I have, well it's all mine
You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine
It's all mine
It's all mine
It's all...........mine!
Overall, it's a decent first try... You seem to be conforming to a ryhme scheme... I beg of your, avoid this! Also... Also, try not to think of a melody when your writing, focus more on the words... Once the words are finished, then you can work out a melody... and remember, it is okay to change the music for the sake of the words...
Don't start off each line with a capital, it's makes it hard to read... Think of it as writing a sentence that just happens to rhyme... Such as
After four great years,
you threw it all away.
Now as for the rhyming, avoid it at all costs at this stage in your writing.. I mean this! Right now, you need to focus on your poetic language... Don't get me wrong, but I don't FEEL anything from reading this... This is more of what you would call a journal entry... If you want someone to get involved with the song, and get into it... Share how your feeling with them
Good try for your first time... But I suggest you set this one aside, forget about it and try writing something else..
-
neoncrossing
- Posts: 1122
- Joined: 3/17/2002, 2:46 pm
- Location: Stoney Creek, ON
ya those were some excellent critiques... makes me want to write something and have it disected to death 
I can't wait until the day schools are over-funded and the military is forced to hold bake sales to buy planes.
"It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about"
"It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about"
-
Sufjan Stevens
- Oskar Winner: 2005
- Posts: 6738
- Joined: 3/17/2002, 12:25 pm
- Location: Detroit, MI
Just to let ya know, this is your first attempt, so don't let us bring you down. Everyone's first few attempts at writing kind of blow and are majorly hackneyed, but soon enough, you'll find your style. Keep writing, and when you do, try to pick something to write about besides "my lover left me, and now all I have is time, money, or a broken heart." If you can get past the first few that suck, your stuff should start sounding unique, and for the most part, damn good.
And if it doesn't, just sell your stuff to pop singers. It's already better than most of the shit they sing nowadays.
And if it doesn't, just sell your stuff to pop singers. It's already better than most of the shit they sing nowadays.
I faced death. I went in with my arms swinging. But I heard my own breath and had to face that I'm still living. I'm still flesh. I hold on to awful feelings. I'm not dead... My chest still draws breath. I hold it. I'm buoyant. There's no end.
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neoncrossing
- Posts: 1122
- Joined: 3/17/2002, 2:46 pm
- Location: Stoney Creek, ON
For Your Lungs Only wrote:And if it doesn't, just sell your stuff to pop singers. It's already better than most of the shit they sing nowadays.
Thats funny....and a good idea.
I know this kind of sob story is written all the time....its just that when i decided to start writing....that whole time in my life came racing through my head so that is what i put on paper....i already have started thinking about how to make that one better and have started a new song as well.
Thank you to all who have helped me out so far.....it is greatly appreciated!!
Is there something good, something more?
Is there anything worth dying for?
Is there anything worth dying for?
fuck i like it. I say it works just fine. Fuck doing the same thing as everyone else, man i say do what your heart tells you to, my heart telle me you can write. Goood job!
-Liam
"Sometimes Nothin' Can Be a Real Cool Hand"
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"Sometimes Nothin' Can Be a Real Cool Hand"
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neoncrossing
- Posts: 1122
- Joined: 3/17/2002, 2:46 pm
- Location: Stoney Creek, ON
-
LightRainShower
- Posts: 11
- Joined: 5/20/2003, 4:21 pm
-
Odio La Cabra
- Posts: 728
- Joined: 6/6/2003, 9:27 pm
- Location: next to the dust bunnies under the couch
- Contact:
this is fucking good...better than my angest and death and all that other dark crap that i write
"there is nothing because there are no words with wich to think any other way than regurgitating slogans and propaganda that has been served to you by the government. people become human soundtracks. it prevents self expression and without words to express individual thoughts what becomes of a person? they are nothing but an extention of human power"-Yvette S.
One day we went to kindergarten and they never let us out...
cant sleep the clowns will eat me
We all miss the big daddy quick....
*Liz...R*
One day we went to kindergarten and they never let us out...
cant sleep the clowns will eat me
We all miss the big daddy quick....
*Liz...R*
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neoncrossing
- Posts: 1122
- Joined: 3/17/2002, 2:46 pm
- Location: Stoney Creek, ON
-
LightRainShower
- Posts: 11
- Joined: 5/20/2003, 4:21 pm
You shouldn't write for your emotions... Being dark and depressing is not bad... But if you want to write something, we want to feel it with you... It's not good enough to say "I'm deeply in pain", because then we don't get the full effect of the song... I'm not a very good writer myself, but when I write, I don't want to tell people how I'm feeling, I want them to feel my pain, and feel for themselves... an example:
Pain is on the tip of my lips
I hope it doesn't fall in
I'd have to gain balance
I'd have to kneel over
and try to spit out everything
I found in you.
Everything I found in you
Well, it's not quite the best example... But it's more of a story than a journal entry... Pay attention too your poetic language and words with double meaning (Not how when I say I'm kneeling over, I say kneel as in to balance myself, then too spit it out... Also note how none of my lines really rhyme in the last word... But when you're saying it out loud, it fits... Also, watch out for forced rhyme patterns... When I say that, I mean something like this:
On the edge of the world, I sit
on the end of the rage, I'll find it
As opposed to a more natural line:
I sit on the edge of the world
And I'll find it on the end of your rage
Which is more natural to say, and you don't have to break to say it...
I hope this helps you somewhat... If you want to talk to me a bit more, then you can email me or contact me:
autumns_rain@hotmail.com
55412466 (ICQ)
and mdryden@canada.com
Pain is on the tip of my lips
I hope it doesn't fall in
I'd have to gain balance
I'd have to kneel over
and try to spit out everything
I found in you.
Everything I found in you
Well, it's not quite the best example... But it's more of a story than a journal entry... Pay attention too your poetic language and words with double meaning (Not how when I say I'm kneeling over, I say kneel as in to balance myself, then too spit it out... Also note how none of my lines really rhyme in the last word... But when you're saying it out loud, it fits... Also, watch out for forced rhyme patterns... When I say that, I mean something like this:
On the edge of the world, I sit
on the end of the rage, I'll find it
As opposed to a more natural line:
I sit on the edge of the world
And I'll find it on the end of your rage
Which is more natural to say, and you don't have to break to say it...
I hope this helps you somewhat... If you want to talk to me a bit more, then you can email me or contact me:
autumns_rain@hotmail.com
55412466 (ICQ)
and mdryden@canada.com
-
stinkythecat
- Posts: 148
- Joined: 6/21/2003, 2:52 pm
LightRainShower wrote:Your C&C.... Please don't take anything to heart...
ITS ALL MINE
by Paul Gambale
After four great years
You threw it all away
I can't believe it's happening
It seems like yesterday
I want you to know
I loved you all along
But now that it's over
I know that it was wrong
This strophe(verse/stanza) is chop full of cliches... Kind of overused sayings... Try to back off on them, they are a evil, evil force...
You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
You don't need this, not at all.. You're just kind of rewording your entire first strophe... I know it sounds kind of cool when a melody is going through your head, but try to get rid of the melody, it will only impair your writing..
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine
I like this little bit, Line 3 is a bit of a cliche, but well used... Good
Never thought I'd be
This happy without you
It's time to move on
I know that I'm due
I've got myself back
To the man I was
The man I was
Before I fell in love with you
Again with the rewording of the last strophe... Try to ween yourself off of this... Lines 1-4 and the last line are kind of lacking... Line 4 kind of confuses me...
You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine
You broke my heart when you said
"I'm sorry, but this is the end"
Now I'm okay, I'm doing fine
All the time I have, well it's all mine
You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine
It's all mine
It's all mine
It's all...........mine!
Overall, it's a decent first try... You seem to be conforming to a ryhme scheme... I beg of your, avoid this! Also... Also, try not to think of a melody when your writing, focus more on the words... Once the words are finished, then you can work out a melody... and remember, it is okay to change the music for the sake of the words...
Don't start off each line with a capital, it's makes it hard to read... Think of it as writing a sentence that just happens to rhyme... Such as
After four great years,
you threw it all away.
Now as for the rhyming, avoid it at all costs at this stage in your writing.. I mean this! Right now, you need to focus on your poetic language... Don't get me wrong, but I don't FEEL anything from reading this... This is more of what you would call a journal entry... If you want someone to get involved with the song, and get into it... Share how your feeling with them
Good try for your first time... But I suggest you set this one aside, forget about it and try writing something else..
WERD.