Dear Bethany and friends:

Sufjan Stevens · Post by **Sufjan Stevens** » 6/19/2003, 6:02 pm

Do any of you CMers have some personal problems that are bothering you so much that you need some advice? Of course you do, or else you wouldn't be sitting at home like losers typing away on the internet on a messageboard like this.

Well, all those problems you felt embarassed to ask anyone can, and will, be answered here by our resident geniuses, Bethany, Alex, and myself!

Need help deciding what you should ask us? Well, ask us anything, we're willing to help. Still shy to the idea? Maybe this character's problem will inspire you to help.

Dear Bethany and friends,

I woke up one morning, covered in sweat and in the middle of a grassy field, with no pants on. How did I get there and should I be concerned?

-pantsless in peoria

Well, this person seriously needs help, and Bethany, Alex and I are here to help. So go ahead and ask us any questions you might have that are bothering you, and we'll help!

emily · Post by **emily** » 6/19/2003, 6:03 pm

I want to see you answer that question first.

Sufjan Stevens · Post by **Sufjan Stevens** » 6/19/2003, 6:10 pm

Dear Bethany and friends,

I woke up one morning, covered in sweat and in the middle of a grassy field, with no pants on. How did I get there and should I be concerned?

-pantsless in peoria

Dear Pantless,

You may think you're in quite the predicament here, but stop and think about this. Even though you're lost on a grassy knoll in the middle of Illinois, you were clearly taken advantage of, and by no means is that a bad thing. So before you get your lack of panties in a bunch, just calm down, lay back, and bask in your pantless glory, because such a wonderful thing doesn't happen all that often.

~Alan

superboots · Post by **superboots** » 6/19/2003, 6:15 pm

Dear Alan and Alex:

I have an infatuation with hummus. When I eat it, it is so satisfying and delectable that I have been heard to say such things as, "if this hummus were a guy, i would be making sweet love to it." Is my love for this brilliant middle eastern cuisine a normal thing? is there something wrong with me?

Sincerely,
baffled in bloomfield

Sufjan Stevens · Post by **Sufjan Stevens** » 6/19/2003, 6:23 pm

OLPMazurite wrote:Dear Alan and Alex:

I have an infatuation with hummus. When I eat it, it is so satisfying and delectable that I have been heard to say such things as, "if this hummus were a guy, i would be making sweet love to it." Is my love for this brilliant middle eastern cuisine a normal thing? is there something wrong with me?

Sincerely,
Baffled In Bloomfield

Dear Baffled,

Not only is your love of hummus understandable, I am afraid your love is not strong enough. Any self respecting person would have songs written about this tasty treat. Here's my ode to the white stuff you spread on bread:

Hummus Hummus Baby
Hummus Hummus Baby
All right stop
Collaborate and listen
Alan's back with his brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Then I flow that a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop?
Yo--I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.

So until you dedicate songs to your love of hummus, you don't know what real, insatiable love truly is.

~Alan

emily · Post by **emily** » 6/19/2003, 6:40 pm

I think you stole that from Vanilla Ice.

Sufjan Stevens · Post by **Sufjan Stevens** » 6/19/2003, 7:19 pm

How about you ask a question instead of completely miss the humor in this?

nelison · Post by **nelison** » 6/19/2003, 7:26 pm

Dear Bethany and friends,

Is it true that your brain will cave in if you pick your nose?
- Nosebleeds in Niagara

Axtech · Post by **Axtech** » 6/19/2003, 7:30 pm

Dear Bethany, Alan and Alex...

How much wood would the infamous wood-chuck chuck, if said would chuck could in fact chuck wood?

-Woody in Wellington

superboots · Post by **superboots** » 6/19/2003, 7:32 pm

J-Neli wrote:Dear Bethany and friends,

Is it true that your brain will cave in if you pick your nose?
- Nosebleeds in Niagara

Dear Nosebleeds,

Yes, in fact, that is true. Recent studies have shown that if you dig deep enough into your nose, your brain can in fact, cave in. Why, just yesterday, I heard about some kid who decided to stick a coat hanger up his nose, and pulled half of his brain out.

So please, please, heed the advice that those around you have told you, and do not pick your nose.

and whatever you do, do not blow your nose too hard, or you might pass out, causing your brain to implode from the impact of the nose blowing.

-Bethany

Sufjan Stevens · Post by **Sufjan Stevens** » 6/19/2003, 7:37 pm

Axtech wrote:Dear Bethany, Alan and Alex...

How much wood would the infamous wood-chuck chuck, if said would chuck could in fact chuck wood?

-Woody in Wellington

Dear Woody,

4.

Now Woody, I am concerned about your obsession of wood. You seem to have a peculiar fondness with wood, seeing that your name does derive from the product made by trees and all. I think this is an subconscious admission to the fact that you like to play with an erect penis anytime the opportunity presents itself.

I will now ask you a question Woody. Will you please do Bethany and Friends a favor and keep your love of erect penises to yourself the next time you present us with a question.? Thanks.

~Alan

starseed_10 · Post by **starseed_10** » 6/19/2003, 7:47 pm

1 and a half dammit! :mad:

its so not 4. dont listen to them.

nelison · Post by **nelison** » 6/19/2003, 7:53 pm

I think they would know.... jeeze... :roll:

Bandalero · Post by **Bandalero** » 6/19/2003, 7:56 pm

Dear Bethany, Alan and Alex

someone has asked me to be a judge in a toilet seat judging competition. this is quite an honor, and lord knows that my ass has been associated with many a toilet seat. the problem here is that...well, what factors should be considered when judging a toilet? there's comfort then cleanliness. but what else? what other factors go into judging toilets?

craptaculous in Alice.

emily · Post by **emily** » 6/19/2003, 8:17 pm

Dear Bethany, Alan and Alex

I have noticed that Alex hasn't answered any of these questions. I was just wondering what you guys do when you get hemorrhoids and need a quick fix to get the intestines from bulging out of your ass?
Thanks,
Hemorrhoidal in Holland

happening fish · Post by **happening fish** » 6/19/2003, 8:31 pm

emily wrote:Dear Bethany, Alan and Alex

I have noticed that Alex hasn't answered any of these questions. I was just wondering what you guys do when you get hemorrhoids and need a quick fix to get the intestines from bulging out of your ass?
Thanks,
Hemorrhoidal in Holland

Frankly, that sounds like a pretty disgusting condition you have there. I've never had that problem since I'm not prone to sitting around with my thumb up my ass, as evidenced by the fact that I haven't yet answered any questions because Alex has been busy doing a little something called a 4000 word essay. I suggest that in future you find some other activity that does not involve inserting objects into your anal cavity and all will be well.

~Alex

Sufjan Stevens · Post by **Sufjan Stevens** » 6/19/2003, 8:38 pm

Mr. Bojangles wrote:Dear Bethany, Alan and Alex

someone has asked me to be a judge in a toilet seat judging competition. this is quite an honor, and lord knows that my ass has been associated with many a toilet seat. the problem here is that...well, what factors should be considered when judging a toilet? there's comfort then cleanliness. but what else? what other factors go into judging toilets?

craptaculous in Alice.

Dear Craptaculous,

Your honor of judging the contest reminds me of a story. It was a hot summer day and I had the trots, so I was spending a good amount of my time in the bathroom and all. Well, I went over to my friend's house and I had to go really badly. He had one of those padded ass seats and I sat down, and did my business as quicky as I could. To my chagrin, however, I found that my ass was stuck to the vinyl covering, and I had to spend a good three minutes trying to peel my ass off of the seat. My friend had to come into the bathroom and bail me out of the jam. He pulled me off and he fell down into the bathtub. It was funny.

I hope that answered your question Mr. Crap.

~Alan

areusad831 · Post by **areusad831** » 6/19/2003, 9:22 pm

Dear Bethany, Alan, and Alex,

Why was I left out of this group of answering questions since I am in the running for the biggest internet loser as well. I think I should take Alex's place since she never answers any questions.

Emo Phil

happening fish · Post by **happening fish** » 6/19/2003, 9:30 pm

areusad831 wrote:Dear Bethany, Alan, and Alex,

Why was I left out of this group of answering questions since I am in the running for the biggest internet loser as well. I think I should take Alex's place since she never answers any questions.

Emo Phil

Dear Emo

I could launch into a long-winded rant as to why you have no friends, but I think I will spare you. Go boil your head.

Love always,
Alex

areusad831 · Post by **areusad831** » 6/19/2003, 9:41 pm

you suck at this....im gonna go drive off a cliff now