help me with this poem

mosaik · Post by **mosaik** » 2/18/2003, 10:28 pm

blonde

------------------------------------------------------------

i walk into your room, and i notice a few things.
it's a smaller room in a bigger house, and when i'm there
it seems in the air there's a promise and it clings.
and leaning on the wall there's a girl whose tall
she's blonde and bold and oh so cold
and i feel my heart hold
and my willpower fold
and in that moment i know
for this girl i'd do anything
because when i see her my heart sings.

------------------------------------------------------------

i think the last three lines are weak. they're sort of generic. i would like help replacing or improving them. thank you.

committed · Post by **committed** » 2/18/2003, 10:38 pm

another suggestion:

the line: and oh so cold

usually, that's not a good thing. is it there only for the rhyme?

mosaik · Post by **mosaik** » 2/18/2003, 10:42 pm

no. that's what the girl is like, by her own admission.

revised version:

i walk into your room, and i notice a few things.
it's a smaller room in a bigger house, and when i'm there
it seems in the air there's a promise and it clings.
and leaning on the wall there's a girl whose tall
she's blonde and bold and oh so cold
and i feel my heart hold
and my willpower fold
i'm trying not to let it show because i've only got one chance to blow.
and if i have any say then i won't throw it away.

emily · Post by **emily** » 2/19/2003, 2:34 pm

i'm not tall hun

committed · Post by **committed** » 2/19/2003, 2:35 pm

doug is in trouble

emily · Post by **emily** » 2/19/2003, 2:43 pm

doug you got some splainin to do

mosaik · Post by **mosaik** » 2/19/2003, 2:46 pm

sorry emily baby

i was just guessing. plus tall rhymes with wall.

emily · Post by **emily** » 2/19/2003, 2:48 pm

i am rather 5'2"

mosaik · Post by **mosaik** » 2/19/2003, 2:50 pm

well. you understand how

[and leaning on the wall there's a girl whose 5'2"]

doesn't work, don't you?

emily · Post by **emily** » 2/19/2003, 2:56 pm

yes, i agree.

mosaik · Post by **mosaik** » 2/19/2003, 3:00 pm

so. it's about you anyway, then.

what do you think?

emily · Post by **emily** » 2/19/2003, 3:15 pm

its nice

starvingeyes · Post by **starvingeyes** » 2/19/2003, 3:21 pm

emily, do not be fooled by this man. he is a liar.

this poem is clearly about kari collins. i am sorry to break it to you, but it is.

committed · Post by **committed** » 2/19/2003, 3:24 pm

uh oh

emily · Post by **emily** » 2/19/2003, 3:43 pm

i feel so used

superrgirll · Post by **superrgirll** » 2/19/2003, 3:49 pm

welcome to my world.

mosaik · Post by **mosaik** » 2/19/2003, 3:55 pm

don't listen to him.

it could be about any blonde girl.

emily · Post by **emily** » 2/19/2003, 4:05 pm

so its not about me?

mosaik · Post by **mosaik** » 2/19/2003, 4:35 pm

if you want it to be it is.

emily · Post by **emily** » 2/19/2003, 4:36 pm