ClumsyMonkey.net

I just lived this, verbatim, a few hours ago. Why do I have the absolute WORST luck at romance. The only thing I could do to stop crying was to write it all down. A few tattered notebook pages later, I came out with this. Since I haven't posted much lately, on my life (or writing) I fingured I could kill two birds. Just keep me in your prayers, guys; cuz Trent's life is kinda sucking today.

...

"Amen."

I needed to be in a place, a place I had never been in before. A place of beauty, a place of vastness. A place of cold detachment. I wasn’t even sure where I was going, until I had made it across town and parked my car beside the Catholic cathedral that had been there since the turn of the century.

At least I had done it. At least I went after her. If I hadn’t, I’d have regretted it for the rest of my life. I know it. For the last few days I could tell something was wrong. The detachment in her actions, the fake nonchalance; I knew something wasn’t right. Until, finally, she walked in barely a few hours ago now, and said “I think we need to talk.” No good conversation I have ever had has begun with those words, so I took a deep breath, and prepared for the worst. “I think we should break up,” she finally said, after forcing small talk with a distressed look in her eyes.

“We’ll both be moving away in a few months to university, and I don’t want to get so wrapped up in… this, that I can’t let it go.” All I could do was sit there, trying to steady my voice before I spoke, trying to catch the tears before they welled behind my eyes. Finally I opened my mouth: “If that’s how you feel…” I couldn’t think of a way to finish, so I just lowered my head and looked away. After a few more moments of silence, she lifted to her feet. “I… I guess I should go.” All I could do was nod goodbye. It took me standing up, an her being gone, for me to realize I wasn’t finished, for me to realize that I still had a peace left to say. I slid on a pair of shoes, and bolted to my car. By the grace of God I made it there in one piece, and I caught her as she was walking between her car and front door. “Wait!” I shouted.

With my mind now blank from the moment’s arrival, all I could say was “What are you afraid of?” She wasn’t sure what to make of my question. As I got closer I could see the dried tears that had so recently been running down her cheeks. “We’ll both be gone in five months, and I don’t know if we can make it two states apart.” “What does five months matter?” I shot back. “We make it now, we make it here. In this moment, in this place. God only knows where we’ll be in five months.” “I can’t do that,” she finally replied. “I have to have a plan, I have to know—“ “Haven’t you ever wanted to just live in the moment? My God, it’s better to burn as bright as you can, and risk burning out; then to never even let yourself spark. I just thought, that, there might be more here. But, if you don’t think so, then maybe I’m wrong.” “It wouldn’t be fair to you.” “I’m here,” I shot back, myself not ever sure what I meant by the statement.

“If you can’t follow your heart, there’s nothing I can do to make the guide. I just know that, for myself, I had to go after you, and say what I needed to say; or I’d regret it… If you still don’t think this can work, then so be it—maybe you’re right. I just needed to know that, when I walk away, I did everything I could to save something I thought I believed in.” Tears began to well behind her eyes. “You know where to find me if…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence as I said goodbye.

Once I’d walked back to my car and left, my hands shaking from shock that I had actually gone after her, I made my way to the farthest back pew of the darkened cathedral sanctuary, watching the setting sun play tricks on the stained glass. Through the silence a weak piano began to play a song of heartbreak in my head. Before I could even sit down I burst into tears. I can’t believe it took me this long to finally cry. I wept until I could hardly breathe. My hair matted in my face, soaked with tears. Once I finally regained my composure enough to speak, I uttered a small prayer. “I pray for her, Lord. I pray her strength, I pray her boldness; I pray her passion. I pray her happiness, and I pray her content ness. Most of all I pray your will over her life, Lord; as well as over mine. Amen.”

...

Damn, Trent. If those were the words you spoke, it took a lot of balls to say that. You're a bigger man than I am for pouring your heart out to someone like that.

God bless you and yours.

*wipes emotional tears*

very, very powerful writing. i know what it's like. strength to you, friend.

Thanks guys, I just knew that, if I didn't go after her, I'd regret it; ya know. I would always look back on it thinking "What if I'd have just said everything I was thinking, everything I was feeling." And, so, I did. If it still doesn't work out, then I suppose it wasn't meant to be.

As far as an update goes, I just showed up at a mutual friend of our's house a few minutes ago, and she was on the phone with her (the girl that broke up with me had called our mutual friend to talk about it). When I walked in, she handed me the phone and said "She wants to talk to you."

She said she wanted to talk about it some more, and try to figure out where to go, now. She's just scared, afraid to fall in love; then have to leave a few short months after finding it. I just think it would be a hell of a lot harder sitting around for the next five months, both of us wanting to be more than friends, faking like we're okay. If you ask me, that'll do a LOT more damage than just going for it, jumping in, and following your heart.

Why does life have to be do darn complicated?

Someone shouldn't mess around with your emotions like that. Its not fair to either of you. I feel like giving you a hug and telling you its all going to be okay, and by the time you get to university you're life will have been better for it. Besides, I cannot see someone as ambitious as you being able to be really happy with someone who is too afraid to live their own life. Just know that there are others that love you and a little light always shines though the darkness. Whether intentional or not, that was some pretty pretty powerful writing.

Thanks Sar, *hugs back*

I sat up all night last night thinking about it, and I came to the conclusion that I'm gonna give it my all, cuz I really am nuts about the girl; but if it doesn't work, then so be it. If she's not even brave enough to follow her heart, I'll probably be the better for it without her in the long run. I just want to live in the now, you know. Have a blast for the next five months, then take what's next however it may come.

I scribbled that whole thing down in the back of my Psych notebook (it was the only paper I had), sitting in the back of that barely lit cathedral. It really does help to write; I felt... relieved just to lay it all out, you know.

A ll I can do is pray about it, give it my all, and take it as it comes.

No regrets. The "what if's?" one accumulates in a lifetime are things that could haunt you for a long time.

...aaand we're back together.

She called me a little while ago, and we were on the phone for over two hours. We came to the conclusion that we both wanted to be more than friends, and neither one of us wanted the other out of their live. We're gonna take it one day at a time, have fun, and just enjoy the time we have left together. If it's over in five months, we'll kiss goodbye and let it go; knowing we did what we wanted to do for the time we were together.

Holy crap it's been a wild few days.

What you wrote was beautiful. Of course for you it was painful, but it was beautiful,vivid and powerful.

Congrats on the getting back together also dude.

Carpe Diem.

Wow Trent. That was amazing writing, it must have been awful for you. Thats good you got back together, I'm happy for you man.

Well it's good that you're back together, if thats what you wanted. It's nice to hear when people work things out. You should learn something from all this though. (Not to sound like a parent ) Mia Angelou said "When people show you who they are believe them the first time" so you should at least be able to figure out some of your feelings on the situation and more importantly her's. If you go on like nothing happened then nothing is going to change and your going to end up in heartache again.

Lets hope everything works out a little better this time.

*nods, it may seem odd, but i couldn't help but smile when i read that you got back together. now just make the best of it. seize the day, forget about what tomorrow may bring, live for the here and now.

damn, trent... that was inspiring. i'm glad you guys are back together and best of luck to you both in the next five months.

I you guys!

...aaaaand it's over-- again. But, actually for good this time. I like the girl, but she ain't nearly worth this kind of grief. Things were never really the same after the first break-up, and things have been falling apart since then. I think (I hope) I'll be better off without her.

You seem much happier about it.
Maybe you just needed to realize that it wasn't working for yourself instead of someone telling it to you.
I guess its better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.

...I hate cliches.

ditto-- that's my fave cliche.