ClumsyMonkey.net

It is a favourite pastime of Australians to regale visitors of our lovely land with tales of ferocious dingos, nightmarish spiders and dropbears from hell. However, as much as I enjoy the responses to infrequent postings of funnel-web spider pictures and the like, I have my doubts that non-Aussie CMers ie ALL OF YOU have been frightened enough about the sheer amounts of deadly wildlife that reside in our perilous sunburned land.

And, so, you may find in this thread pictures and horrific tales about things that lurk in our scrub, waters, and bedsheets.

SNAKES

Taipan

http://www.avru.unimelb.edu.au/avruweb/taipan1.jpg

http://www.avru.unimelb.edu.au/avruweb/taipand.jpg
(Major cities where this snake lurks: Brisbane, Gold Coast, Darwin, Cairns, Rockampton, etc.)

The Taipan is the third most toxic snake known to man. It has the largest fangs (1.3cm / 0.7in) and is the longest venomous Australian snake (up to 3m). It usually hunts during the day, except in very hot weather, when it hunts in the evening. Its love of mice and other furry rodents bring it into close contact with humans. It also lurks in long grass or under nice warm wood piles. If cornered, this snake will rear up and deliver multiple bites. It's not uncommon for people to be bitten three or more times with this snake. Modern antivenom gives you a good chance at survival, if you can get to a doctor. If you fail to reach help, there is a 90%+ chance of death. The Taipan is a deadly Australian.

Fierce Snake (Inland Taipan)

http://www.avru.unimelb.edu.au/avruweb/fierce1.jpg

http://www.avru.unimelb.edu.au/avruweb/fierced.jpg
(Major cities where this snake lurks: fucked if I know)

The Fierce Snake is different to the Taipan. You see, whereas the Taipan is the third most toxic snake known to man, the Fierce Snake has the pleasure of being the most toxic snake known to man. Although shorter than the normal Taipan, the Fierce snake retains the same fang length and love of biting things multiple times. Its venom kills mice in two or three seconds. Luckily, this snake lives in remote parts of Australia. This is a double-edged sword, however, because if you do manage to get bitten by one out bush, you will die. No question. The Fierce Snake is a bloody deadly Australian.

Tiger Snake

http://www.avru.unimelb.edu.au/avruweb/Tiger.jpg
http://www.avru.unimelb.edu.au/avruweb/blacktiger.jpg

http://www.avru.unimelb.edu.au/avruweb/tigerdi.jpg
(Major cities where this snake lurks: Sydney & Melbourne. Boy, are you screwed.)

Most sites list the Tiger Snake's various habitats as "rainforests, heaths, open forests and river floodplains." Translated, it means that it lives pretty much in every open or closed space in Australia and there's that black one that lives on the coastal islands. I'd say that this snake makes up for its lack of toxicity by the sheer amount of places where you can find it, but I can't, because this snake is the fourth most toxic in Australia. Slightly less venomous than a Taipan, if you get bitten by one of these there's a fair chance of death unless you get to a hospital pretty quickly. The Tiger Snake is a pretty deadly Australian.

Brown Snake

http://www.avru.unimelb.edu.au/avruweb/longbrowns.jpg

http://www.avru.unimelb.edu.au/avruweb/browndist.jpg
(Major cities where this snake lurks: let me put it this way, it covers 95% of the Australian population.)

The snake you are most likely to encounter in Australia. Personally, I have come across one no less than eight times. You may also relish the fact that this snake has the second most toxic venom of any snake known to man. Ever. Anywhere. Due to the very scientific venom/habitat-coverage ratio, it is clear that this is the most deadly snake in Australia. Commonly found in sizes greater than 2 metres in length, and with its brown colour camoflaging it with ease amongst grass and trees, the Brown Snake is a deadly Australian.

You have now met the four most deadly snakes in Australia. Snakes, however, are the least of your worries.

SPIDERS

I placed spiders after snakes because I'm well aware of the rampant arachnophobia that goons share worldwide. Additionally, while you won't find a Taipan curled up in a shoe or nestled in between your sheets, you will find one of these.

Redback

http://www.avru.unimelb.edu.au/avruweb/Rbs.jpg

I did not include a map because there is a not a spot in Australia where you be free of these things.

Every Australian has, at some point in their lives, run across one of these babies. Most frequently found in garages nationwide, or hanging cosily under a window sill, their bright red stripe gives you a hint of their deadly potential. The Queensland museum strangely describes their biting behaviour as 'nip and run', which is far too cute a phrase to use for something which will easily kill a child if medical attention is not sought. As a child I remember poking these things with sticks with my friends (they were found everywhere in our school), which merely demonstrates our fearless nature when it comes to dangerous animals. While you probably don't want to be bitten by one, the redback is not deadly enough for you to really worry about. Still, the redback is a dangerous Australian.

Funnel-Web

http://www.avru.unimelb.edu.au/avruweb/arobust.jpg

http://www.avru.unimelb.edu.au/avruweb/Arobustf.jpg

The Funnel-Web lives along the east coast of Australia.

Funnel-Web spiders are shit. There are two types of Funnel-Web: Sydney and Northern. The former is shit because I live in Sydney. The latter is shit because "Northern" equates to "Brisbane & surrounds" and there are 4 million in the surrounds. Funnel-Webs are also shit because their fangs can penetrate bone, and, with much more ease, shoes. They are shit because of the fact that insecticide merely pisses them off. They are shit because, as I have personally experienced, you cannot drown these fuckers, and when you drag them up from the bottom of the pool they will come back to life, hiss at you and scurry off into the bushes. They are shit because they are highly aggressive and will lunge at you given half a chance. They are shit because they will kill you very quickly if medical attention is not forthcoming. The Funnel-Web spider is a deadly but shit Australian.

Because Funnel-Webs are so shit, here's a picture of a cute Wolf Spider:

http://www.amonline.net.au/factsheets/i ... ingosa.jpg

You have now met the most deadly snakes and spiders in Australia. However, I am deliberately saving the worst until last. There are other animals that kill more people in Australia than snakes and spiders. There are animals that kill you, but are invisible. The second installment of 'Ways to Die Horribly in Australia' will feature our varied and extremely dangerous marine wildlife.

*EDIT* hubbers = CMers

Good Grief man, I really hope you aren't planning on becoming a travel guide or anything like that.

If you thought our land animals are bad, think again. You can see things coming on land.

SHARKS

Tiger Shark

http://www.jostimages.com/bilder/preview/000000007512/_(000000007512).jpg

The Tiger Shark is similar to a Tiger Snake in two ways. Firstly, they are not related in any way to Tigers. Secondly, they will both kill you, given a slight chance. These sharks grow to a maximum of 7 metres in length, and can be found in estruary systems all over Australia, where the murky water disguises the difference between a seal or fish and, say, a human. Tiger Sharks are not known to be finicky eaters, and caught specimens have been found to consume patently non-digestible things like shoes and shopping trolleys. It is unlikely that you will come across one of these swimming at a beach due to shark nets, but if you go diving...keep your eyes open. The Tiger Shark is a deadly but cool Australia.

Great White Shark

http://greatwhite.org/images/gws13.jpg

http://greatwhite.org/images/gws31.jpg

http://greatwhite.org/images/gws1.jpg

Great Whites are found in colder waters, generally around the lower half of Australia. This is plenty. Great Whites commonly grow to around 5 - 6 metres, but they have been known to reach 7. At this length they weigh upwards of 3 tons, which is why victims of Great White attacks describe it as being 'hit by a freight train'. They usually hang around seal colonies, as seals are very tasty, but they have been known attack humans who may or may not be wearing a black wetsuit. From memory, the last fatal attack was at a Perth beach, where some guy was dragged out to sea by one, never to be seen again. Great Whites are ugly and have ugly teeth and are therefore not as cool as Tiger Sharks. They are also more deadly. Great Whites are a deadly Australian.

SALTWATER CROCODILE

(aka 'Salty')

http://www.flmnh.ufl.edu/natsci/herpeto ... !cpor3.jpg

http://www.flmnh.ufl.edu/natsci/herpeto ... !cpor5.jpg

Saltwater crocodiles live exclusively in the north of Australia. The lower limit is probably Rockhampton on the east coast.

Saltwater Crocodiles, or 'Salties' as you should always ALWAYS call them while in Australia, are counted by some to be Australia's most dangerous animal, a claim I dispute with good reason, but whatever. The point is, they're bloody dangerous. They can grow up to around 6 metres in length, and weigh multiple tons. There have bee reports of them exceeding up to 9 or 10 metres in the wild. That's around 27-30ft. There are countless stories of unwitting tourists swimming in water holes up north with friends. One friend will hear a small splash, turn around, and someone will be missing. People have been standing on a river bank, not noticing a log floating closer...submerging...and ERUPTING, lunging two or more metres, dragging the helpless man/woman/child underwater. In the blink of a fucking eye. Like sharks, these beasties have been almost untouched by evolution for almost 200 million years, such is the perfection of their design. Salties are cool because they look cool and I don't live anywhere near them. Salties are a deadly but cool Australian.

BLUE-RINGED OCTOPUS

http://www.avru.unimelb.edu.au/avruweb/bluering.jpg

http://www.avru.unimelb.edu.au/avruweb/brorings.jpg

These octopuses (octopi?) are found in rockpool throughout Australia.

The blue-ringed octopus could almost be called cute. In fact, it is this 'cuteness' that draws in unsuspecting Australian children into their web of death. When threatened, the blue rings will flash in alarm, and, if handled, will bite you with their little (cute?) beak, injecting a tetrodotoxic venom in the process. A German tourist was found a while ago, dead on a reasonably popular beach. The only cause of death was a small incision on his hand. He was bitten by a blue-ringed octopus, and died in minutes while trying to find help. The bad thing is, these bites are usually painless, even bloodless sometimes. Many people don't know they've been bitten, until they start doing strange things like fainting and dying and then they really know they're fucked. Blue-ringed octopuses are deadly and cute Australians.




...Part 2 intermission...

What you have seen thus far have been deadly sea creatures. However, in all seriousness, dropping the 'lol american tourists are going to be eated in 2 SECONDS SHOULD YOU STEP IN THE WATER', the following creatures are truly deadly, and have accounted for a shitload of deaths in the past fifty years. If anything is going to make you scared, it is what is forthcoming.

...resuming Part 2...




JELLYFISH

Irukandji

http://www.avru.unimelb.edu.au/avruweb/irukand.jpg

Found in northern coastal regions of Australia in the summer months.

Named after the syndrome it causes after stinging, the Irukandji is a cunt of an animal. On average it is around 3 cm long (1.something inches). It is, for all intents and purposes, invisible. Let me reiterate, you will not see this thing before it stings you. For all those who say my earlier 'invisible deadly creature' thing and thought 'lol predators are in australia now??', think again. The sting is moderately painful, unlike its big brother, but "...approximately 30 minutes later, the patient develops a complex of systemic symptoms including severe back and abdominal pain, limb or joint pain, nausea and vomiting, profuse sweating and agitation..." This bastard has been responsible for two deaths in the past two years. The Irukandji is a deadly and fucked Australian.

Box-Jellyfish

http://www.avru.unimelb.edu.au/avruweb/chironex.jpg

Found in coastal waters in the northern half of Australia. Summer only.

Out of all the animals I have talked about, there is one that makes me truly scared. Not just 'I'd rather not meet one' scared, but a sort of 'mother of god', prayer-invoking scared. It is the Box Jellyfish. Imagine a transparent blob with metres of trailing tentacles, that, if contact is made with your skin, you will be hit with the most excruciating pain imaginable. Don't think 'I got stabbed' pain, think 'I'm getting my toenails peeled off while having my eyes sliced with a razor while getting rogered with a white-hot poker' painful. People have fallen unconscious after being stung, and still were screaming while unconscious. The pain is unfathomable.

But that's not all. You see, if stung, you have two or three minutes to seek medical attention. A child, less. In most cases, you won't even make it out of the water. You will die in a maximum of five minutes of respiratory and cardiovascular failure. For those that survive, you will be scarred for life due to the skin necrosis delivered by the jellyfish. If the person isn't given a proper antivenin, he'll be dead. The thing is, these jellyfish aren't rare like a Fierce Snake, or shy like a blue-ringed octopus. They're everywhere in summer, and every maritime institution in Australia says that swimming up north in summer (in an unprotected area) is like playing Russian Roulette.

Box Jellyfish are fucking fucked, and I give them the prestigious award of MOST DEADLY AUSTRALIAN. Please join me in giving a big 'fuck you' to this shithead of a creature.

I am so not going to Austrailia...no offence Cambell

me neither.

scary!

too many words

Aussies are rigs

dude, that thing totally has a human skull.













or it's reflection is a human skull.
either way it's f*cked up.

Chanandler Bong wrote:Aussies are rigs

wassat mean?

Hmm... yeah... I'm rethinking that whole "Australia seems cool and I wanna go there" thing.

i want to swim with sharks
that hasnt changed

i definitely still want to go there

me too lol
but im thinkin im gonna swim with sharks off the coast of florida instead now

ooo maybe i can find a nurse shark to swim with

Korzic wrote:

Chanandler Bong wrote:Aussies are rigs

wassat mean?

Aussies have the cajones to call home a place where a spider can kill you

Jellyfish scare me now.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, can be found to be more terrifing then the wiggers from around the bay.

"gotafin?"


*shudder*

i miss the east coast

This thread needs a bump

Damn, I wish Canada had a rich ecosystem of killer animals.

No, I think we're good.