ClumsyMonkey.net

I sat down to write on my book tonite, but this came out instead. Writing is therapy, my friends...

...

Sometime it seems like my heart broke, and all my friends abandoned me. I know that’s defeatist, self-pitying, and not actually true; but I still can’t help but feel that way occasionally. I used to be there, always there. I was part of the center, accepted, surrounded by friends. And I was happy. At least I think I was. But, looking back, it’s sullied. I guess, in some ways, it always was. By hidden feelings, private agendas; there was always something. Our entire friendship rested on a thread; a house of cards built on something I felt, and a turn you never reciprocated.

Oscar Wilde once said that we were all in the gutter; all that was different is that some of us looked to the stars. I found my star in you. I found my sky in you. The answer, the reason; I thought you were all of it. I just wish I could have been your answer, your reason. It didn’t take long for me to become the abstract. One of the hearts left wrecked and broken on your path. The person that’s still here, even though he doesn’t want to be. I never thought I would become a reason for awkwardness, and this unintended patronization.

Out of mind, out of sight isn’t working. I haven’t looked at you in weeks. I’ve seen you, but I’ve looked away before I can focus. It’s all that’s kept me sane. If my eyes settled, just once, I’d fall apart all over again. A mere two months ago I thought my life was finally coming together; turns out it was just getting ready to fall apart.

...

*sighs*

there; I feel better.

wow. you've gotten a lot better since i've last read your work.



very. very. good

that sad.

I really don't know what else to say. Your a phenominal writer, and are able to convay emotions and messages through your devices, and I wish I could write like you do. I wish I could just show you that you can look ahead to the changing future and be right back up with the stars again. But thats not as easy as it sounds, is it?
Great writing.

thanks ya; thank ya muchly.

Wow man, the world is going to have a lot of fantastic writers. Keep writing man, you're amazing at it.

Random Name wrote:that sad.

I really don't know what else to say. Your a phenominal writer, and are able to convay emotions and messages through your devices, and I wish I could write like you do. I wish I could just show you that you can look ahead to the changing future and be right back up with the stars again. But thats not as easy as it sounds, is it?
Great writing.

Thanks, thanks a lot. I know what you're saying; I swear I'm not as semi-suicidal as I probably come off in that. I'm alright most of the time. It's just that, every once in a while, some insignificant thing happens that makes a lot of stuff crash onto your mind. That happened an hour or so ago.

I guess I should lay out the turgid affair in a reader's digest...

Me, my step-brother a few months younger than me, a chick (our age), and another chick (about 26 yrs old; great person, one of my best friends) all used to hang out. We were an unseperable foursome. I'd had a crush on the girl (our age) for quite a while, and the other girl (26) had been busy with school, and my brother had been gone on a trip; so we had gotten quite a bit of one-on-one hang time. I thought that it could actually be something starting.

But, when my brother got back, the two of them soon hooked up. He didn't really know I carried a torch for her as much as I did (and sadly still do). So they're together now, and I wear a thin facade like nothing's bothering me. They're happy. The four of us haven't hung out since then, and me and my bro have never had a serious conversation together; so we don't bring up the subject, or tip toe around it when need be.

Anyways, what brought on tonite's scribble fest was I went over to k's (the 26 year-olds) to see what she was up to (we're still good friends) and she wasn't there; and my bro and the other girl's cars were there, and k's was gone. I suppose they're off doing something. I dunno, I just miss the old days. Back then I could atleast lie to myself, and tell myself I had a chance; I atleast had that next to nothing hope to cling to.

I'm just still in that 'moving on when I don't want to' period.

sheesh that was long-winded...

Thats rough man.

yep. it sucks. it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to see them, you know. Together, all the time. In some ways, I wish I could just cut them out of my life; as emotionally unhealthy as that sounds.

I totally know that feeling. When life moves on when you don't want it to. And you wonder what the hell happened to make things go completly astray.

Actually a little while ago I decided that I was going to stop writing in my journal. I had a written journal and an online blog that I wrote in. Exactally 2 years from when I started writing I stopped. I took all my blog entries (I printed all 127 of them ) and put them all together in order in a binder and I haven't written since. Now I feel a lot more emotionally healthy. I think before, my way to deal was to write it out and that just made me dwell on things. Now I don't so much anymore and I think I'm better for it. No regrets though.


Anyway, I am not in any way trying to say that you should stop writing because that is obviously a passion of your and your very talented. But maybe a way to deal with changes you don't want is to make changes in you. if that makes any sense. Maybe I'm just rambling on, but the past is just that. And while it would be really fantastic to feel that same bond with those people again, maybe it's just not ment to be. And insted of thinking how you wish it could be like that again, you have to embrace what you had as being a good thing and then look at the good things in your life now. Pain is the best insparation to draw from since everyone feels it and its in every day life, but you can't live life like that.

Anyway, I'm going all Dr. Phil here. So yeah, I hope things work out with your friends and your brother. I've had enough family troubles to see where the whole lack of connection thing plays in. But don't hold it against him for feeling the same way you do.

Yeah I know what you mean. You'll find someone else sooner or later though.

Random Name wrote:I totally know that feeling. When life moves on when you don't want it to. And you wonder what the hell happened to make things go completly astray.

Actually a little while ago I decided that I was going to stop writing in my journal. I had a written journal and an online blog that I wrote in. Exactally 2 years from when I started writing I stopped. I took all my blog entries (I printed all 127 of them ) and put them all together in order in a binder and I haven't written since. Now I feel a lot more emotionally healthy. I think before, my way to deal was to write it out and that just made me dwell on things. Now I don't so much anymore and I think I'm better for it. No regrets though.

Anyway, I am not in any way trying to say that you should stop writing because that is obviously a passion of your and your very talented. But maybe a way to deal with changes you don't want is to make changes in you. if that makes any sense. Maybe I'm just rambling on, but the past is just that. And while it would be really fantastic to feel that same bond with those people again, maybe it's just not ment to be. And insted of thinking how you wish it could be like that again, you have to embrace what you had as being a good thing and then look at the good things in your life now. Pain is the best insparation to draw from since everyone feels it and its in every day life, but you can't live life like that.

Anyway, I'm going all Dr. Phil here. So yeah, I hope things work out with your friends and your brother. I've had enough family troubles to see where the whole lack of connection thing plays in. But don't hold it against him for feeling the same way you do.

Exactly, I know what you're saying. In some ways I wish she'd just hooked up with some random guy I didn't know; that way I could hate the dude and move on.

But, in all seriousness, I get what you're getting at. Things change, that's just life. You can hold on all you like, but eventually your grip is bound to fade. I know I have to move on, and I'm working toward that goal (wholeheartedly, I might add; 'brooding sad guy' just doens't fit me well).

thanks for the encouragement; it's good to have a place to get some of this out. Ya know, these are the kinds of problems ya can't really talk about with your friends (real-life friends). Cuz it would just cause gossip, and start trouble. I love you guys!

"lingered glances and sad eyes"

so many hearts broken,
wreckage on the way
of getting to this nowhere,
where no one wants to stay

friends before it started,
in the end it's not so sound
myself the hapless commentary,
watching the walls crash down

the secrets known by all,
but happy smiles fill the faces
lingered glances and sad eyes,
below the surface of these places

it isn't fair that pain unwarranted,
will always find the softest heart
my God I fear it's jading,
only wanting a happy part

here's a new poem I wrote a minute ago (first in a while, actually).

I put it in this thread because this one is the best to explain where the inspiration came from. My bro and the girl are breaking up, and the girl and I are still good friends, so I'm gonna have to console her wanting of my brother; myself being nuts over her. I wrote this about my view of the situation, and her.