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Good work. I like Alex, he's very kind of detached, and very optimistic. When he breaks down, it's brief, and then he seems to just keep on going. When he contemplates things (and that's mostly what he's doing) he doesn't often overcomplicate, and he's very honest about himself.

I suppose that’s a dejected, pessimistic look at the world
i was somewhat confused about that line, because taking comfort from yourself, from music, from the little things you have seems very optimistic to me. maybe i just read it incorrectly, but Alex seems unfazed by the changes he is instigating in his life, he doesn't seem downcast of pessimistic to me.

but i am interested to see what turns his journey takes.

thanks for the feedback!

that's a good point you make, too; I dunno, it just seemed pessimistic to me. But, I suppose atleast finding some things to take comfort in are better than most people have.

*ponders an edit*

anyone else? come on guys! feedback!

Alright, that was longer then I thought it was going to be. heh.

On the 5th paragraph you start dialogue between Cassie and Alex. I have no problem with what they say, but you need to make new paragraphs each time someone talks. That goes for the rest of it too.
Also in that paragraph, you say "headed back to his house" which I think is supposed to be her.

I also noticed that the 10th and the 12th paragraph ended with some statement, but they both started with God. That seemed to stand out. You may want to change one of them because it doesn't flow well.

When he is on the bus the first time and gets woken up by the driver, there is an odd sentance. "I came to as a man"...it just sounds weird. I think there needs to be a comma or something in there.

I also found the whole Jules thing a bit odd. Just before he meets her, he is in the bookstore and is too shy to talk to the girl. But when he see's a hot girl on the bus he sits right next to her. That just seems to forward for his character. Its important for the plot though, so maybe if the bus was crowded and there were only a handful of empty seats, and that was one of them. Just a thought though.

Thats all I picked up from a beta standpoint. I really like whats happening. At first I thought that this was a bit like "On the Road" so I thought the reference was really cute. But the more and more I read the more I realized that it reminds me a lot of "The Catcher in the Rye". If you haven't read it, you should.

All in all it's pretty well done. I'm impressed. There are some minor repetative things (like how he drinks a LOT of coffee! ) but nothing that ruins the story.

If you write more of it, I'd like to hear it. I am curious to know where this is going.

Thanks a ton for the notes, Sarah!

I've been working on it off and on for close to a year (mostly off), and now I finally want to get it done. I finally figured out where I want it to go. Over the last year I've gone through quite a bit of love trouble; so I'm trying to work through that myself; plus it got me to thinking that maybe I could write about it. Sadly, I didn't get the girl; and I wanted to tell a story from the point of view of the guy who, well, loses; but finds himself in the process. I just wish I had the time to write on it!

*goes editing*

you're a fantastic writer, man.

just wondering but did you get the names from the people on here?

robcore wrote:you're a fantastic writer, man.

thanks bro!

The Other Josh wrote:just wondering but did you get the names from the people on here?

nope, let's see...

alex - an homage to my fave character on the now defunct TV show Roswell.

Cassie - a bit character on a seventh season episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer; I just loved the name.

Julia - from the song. Julia (Piano) is 'effin gorgeous.

I posted an edited version. Worked on some of the suggestions, and added about a page or so's worth.

You know, maybe it's me, but I just don't see the main character as an Alex. Meh. :/

...new post up...

added about 1/2 page; edited a lil bit.

Heh. I printed it off to read later on cause reading that much on the computer hurts my eyes. I'm guessing I should print it off again

robcore wrote:you're a fantastic writer, man.

no kiddin

i want to read it but my contacts are drying out and things get blurry

Thanks for taking the time guys; I appreciate the feedback a ton. When it eventually goes on to sell millions, I shall thanks my CM homies in the 'thank people' section.

Thats pretty good work dude.

trentm32 wrote:Thanks for taking the time guys; I appreciate the feedback a ton. When it eventually goes on to sell millions, I shall thanks my CM homies in the 'thank people' section.

trentm32 wrote:alex - an homage to my fave character on the now defunct TV show Roswell.

Damn.

i don't know if you did it on purpose, but the forth sentance doesn't have a question mark.



i'll print it out and read it later.

...added new edit...

Random Name wrote:You know, maybe it's me, but I just don't see the main character as an Alex. Meh. :/

Maybe not now, but by the end he will.

happeningfish wrote:

trentm32 wrote:alex - an homage to my fave character on the now defunct TV show Roswell.

Damn.

and also an homage to one of my fave CM-ers.