ClumsyMonkey.net

These are just a collection of poems that I've written over the past week. They're kind of similar, but I like them anyways. Here goes!

Solitary Confinement

When the sun shines through, it isn’t quite the same
It’s playing on my walls in a peculiar pattern
The light drips down the wall like coagulated blood
Flirting its beauty before my parted lips
I’d do anything for a taste of the past…

Crudely scrawled drawings adorn the floor
Mapping out my life as it should have been
Your scribbled figure holding my body
Comforting me in my deepest of sorrows
Before you defied my presence without a reason.

As I live out my life alone in this room
I hold to threads of what I once thought true
Maybe one day I’ll put them back together again
And make it into a blanket to cover my window
To keep the mocking sunlight from dying on my wall.


Candlelight Stranger

So this is where we close our story
Ending in such an awkward place
You’ve changed to cryptic forms I cannot read
…and I never thought I’d know you less …
Regret entangles with confused emotions
As I breathe in the decay of your speech
Half-empty explanations litter the air
…but I thought you trusted me more than that…
I thought that we would never slip.

I watch your shadows flee down the path
No matter how fast, I never reach your pace
Your feet hate me as much as your mind
…and I never thought I’d hurt like this…
I’ll light a candle when I remember the silence
Until the sky is alight with sorrowful stars
Half my soul is wilting in your hands
…but I thought you loved me more than that…
I thought that we would never slip.

I thought that we would never slip…


Tell me your thoughts, etc. CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM PLEASE!

I like it a lot. I dont have any suggestions because frankly I suck at writing.

I dig 'em quite a bit. I like the flow, and great usage of language. kudos.

Solitary Confinement:
I adore the first two lines especially, and the aura created by the entire thing. However, I would watch out for a couple things; well, for one, coagulated blood doesn't drip , which really is more part of the problem of conciseness: don't try to cram too many descriptors in, or you will hide the natural beauty of the poem. Try simplifying your language a bit and see if it helps the true feelings come through, past the ornamentation.

Candlelight Stranger:
Pretty much the same criticism, but again, you have some great thoughts and emotional lines in there. I think with a little toning down and touching up these could be really excellent pieces!

</two cents>

happeningfish wrote:Solitary Confinement:
well, for one, coagulated blood doesn't drip </two cents>

LOL!!! My bad.

Yeah, I guess I can get too descriptive with my writing. I always thought that it was better to give more than less, but I guess the whole "less is more" saying applies to this too. Thanks for your imput and I definitely will use your suggestions in my writing.

lol, I noticed the drip thing, too; but I wasn't sure if I was right or not, so I didn't say anything ;-p

Though have you ever noticed how poet's TRY to do stuff like that?

Say things that aren't true... and then they come up with complicated reasons why.

And I think the over-the-top is YOUR writing style.