ClumsyMonkey.net

The dirt to cover your face
Does not want to come from his hand
His tears don't want to make you grow
This is not what they had planned
We did not want to hear your head
Slam so hard against the ground
I could tell you were ashamed
To have all of your friends around

Your help was misguiding
Or so that is what we've heard them say
But do not be fooled, number one
Your absence scared their smiles away
You may seem to be different
To a handful of other eyes
However to mine you are equal
Just cut down to an uncommon size

Please listen to my nonexistant screams
Do not fight with the power
For his tears don't want to make you grow
Into a black and white flower

It needs a lot of editing, but it's strangely haunting...

I must say that I like it.

Thanks.

But please tell me what you think needs editing, because i know there is something that has to be changed, but i can't put my finger on it.

I meant more in the sense of cleaning up the rhythm... reworking a few words so that the lines flow better Good point, though, Christa.

Would you give me the chance to tighten it up a bit and see what you think of the changes?

no problem

but i will not change the 'he' 'we' and 'they' that is my style.

yeah i really kinda like that too.

and about the editing, what alex said, just go over the rhythm.

Ok, i tried to fix up the spot that i found needed the most amount of rhythm touchups.