ClumsyMonkey.net

So you wait for your mom to come home and see your pink hair. She just laughs, it wasn't at all the funny reaction you thought it would be. She just laughed and said it sparkled in the sunlight and that it was a nice change for you. You laugh because it wasn't what you expected to hear from your mother. Then, your mother tells you she was reading an article at work. Then you say, "Oh. Really...what's it about?" and she says, "it's about antidepressants" then you say, "yeah. you think i need that?" and she says, "well yeah ive thought that for a while now, but the article makes me more sure. you know its not a bad thing, a lot of people need it. i just read about how people cry about feeling pressured, have self-esteem issues, and get angry a lot. that sounded like you." then you say angrily, "well its not" and then she puts you in the car and said that dr. flanagan, who is the only doctor your insurance takes because it is your primary care physician, is in until seven. Neat, you think, I can't wait for this doctor's appointment. I bet it will be less awkward than the time I went there to get referred to get a boob reduction. Then you get there and you wait for a while... and a while... you finally get in and you talk to the doctor for a while. Then you realize that...yes, this is more awkward than having her feel you up and look at your bra straps. Crazy. Then, she says that you should go on Paxil, but it's one of many drugs. Great, you think, just great. You hate to admit you're weak. You're not weak, you're not like that. You don't need medicine to make you feel any better, but no protesting can get you out of having that prescription filled tomorrow at the CVS. You're happy, you lie to your mom. You're just fine and dandy. Then you chuckle as you think of Forrest Gump. She tells you you're not and that her and dad have been talking for a while. Well, its all your fault, you wanted to say. You didn't want to admit that you're weak. You didn't want to admit that you've known this for quite some time now. You say, "Mom, you won't tell anyone will you?" and she says, "Of course not sweetie." Then you wonder why she called you sweetie, you haven't heard her call you that since you were five. This medication thing is weird, you thought, they're acting different towards you already. You're not any different. You're not weak, you don't need help nor do you need anyone to treat you differently than normal. Just wait until your brother hears about this, he's going to make fun of you the same way he calls you fat, even though you say you're just diesel and could kick his ass anytime you wanted. You can't let anyone know, this is something to be ashamed of. It's like saying that you're weak and you need help. Well, what's wrong with a little help? you think again. Then you realized that the reason why you need medication in the first place is because of this brain of yours. Fuck off, brain, you say. No you don't say it, you're depressed, not crazy. Then you smile and claim that you will be fine one day. Then you start singing "survivor" by destiny's child. no you didn't. you're depressed, not crazy.

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wow.

wow

did you just make that up on the spot?

some of that stuff i can relate to.

parents get all weird and shit when their children are having psychological problems

and i tell my brain to fuck off on a routine basis.

I just made it up on the spot.

I've felt depressed before, but I've never had parents to talk to about anything.

I have my mom to talk to, but she gets all nosy and intrusive when i am acting out of the ordinary, and the more she poked into my life when i was going through a major depressive episode, the more i stayed back.

i have a hard time talking about my problems
and i'm the one who wants to be a psychologist.
heh.

OLPMazurite wrote:i have a hard time talking about my problems

me too. It sucks

Me, as well. Especially to my parents.

I can talk to my dad, but my mom and step-dad seem to think the best way to support me is to mock, insult, critisize, and be angry at me.

well, at least you can talk with yer dad. I can't. There's a void between me and my old man so big that its beyond repair

Alternatly Tuned wrote:well, at least you can talk with yer dad. I can't. There's a void between me and my old man so big that its beyond repair

unfortunately, same here

although i can't really talk to my mom either, it just feels weird...christ on rye, i dont know what im going to do next year when my best friend is in illinois

What school is Jen going to in Indiana? Anyways, doesn't she know that entire state is a complete lack of culture?

JACKIE is going to university of illinois, which is not only severely lacking in culture but its situated in champagne, which is nothing but a giant cornfield

oh yeah and they also give all the incoming female students a "rape whistle" to carry with them at all times

i talk to everyone except for my parents about my problems. well not everyone. not adults. i have a hard time talking about my problems with adults.

i really only talk about my issues with four people

rob
alex
alan
and occasionally my friend beth, who i go to school with

I talk to Val, Bethany, and I rant in my livejournal. No one else though. I sometimes tell my girlfriend at the time about my problems, but not too often. So yeah, as long as I have a livejournal, I will be fine.

I talk to Alan...and Cain when he's around

But other than that, I have no family to talk to.

I got nobody. I got eveything all bottled up

I've got one person who i can talk to, with her i'm alone.

Alternatly Tuned wrote:I got nobody. I got eveything all bottled up

me too

Naveeder Val wrote:Then you start singing "survivor" by destiny's child. no you didn't. you're depressed, not crazy.

awesome line.

Val, thats so beautiful. I can relate to it alot, actually. Reading it has really made me think about some things. Its an awesome piece.