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This is my first try at writing lyrics....i am very nervous about posting this cause i am a rookie at this.....but raine has inspired me to give it a try...and i want to learn to play guitar, so i can put music to this song....it is only a first draft that i wrote in 10 minutes so bear with me please....

Constructive criticism would be appreciated!

This is a song about my girlfriend dumping me last October, and how it killed me for a while, until i realized im happier now than i ever was, and i am back being myself again!

ITS ALL MINE
by Paul Gambale

After four great years
You threw it all away
I can't believe it's happening
It seems like yesterday
I want you to know
I loved you all along
But now that it's over
I know that it was wrong

You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine

Never thought I'd be
This happy without you
It's time to move on
I know that I'm due
I've got myself back
To the man I was
The man I was
Before I fell in love with you

You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine

You broke my heart when you said
"I'm sorry, but this is the end"
Now I'm okay, I'm doing fine
All the time I have, well it's all mine

You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine
It's all mine
It's all mine
It's all...........mine!

all i can say is that this song has been written a thousand times.

you need to find something that makes your lyrics different from everyone else's.

Your C&C.... Please don't take anything to heart...

ITS ALL MINE
by Paul Gambale

After four great years
You threw it all away
I can't believe it's happening
It seems like yesterday
I want you to know
I loved you all along
But now that it's over
I know that it was wrong

This strophe(verse/stanza) is chop full of cliches... Kind of overused sayings... Try to back off on them, they are a evil, evil force...

You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"

You don't need this, not at all.. You're just kind of rewording your entire first strophe... I know it sounds kind of cool when a melody is going through your head, but try to get rid of the melody, it will only impair your writing..

Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine

I like this little bit, Line 3 is a bit of a cliche, but well used... Good

Never thought I'd be
This happy without you
It's time to move on
I know that I'm due
I've got myself back
To the man I was
The man I was
Before I fell in love with you

Again with the rewording of the last strophe... Try to ween yourself off of this... Lines 1-4 and the last line are kind of lacking... Line 4 kind of confuses me...

You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine

You broke my heart when you said
"I'm sorry, but this is the end"
Now I'm okay, I'm doing fine
All the time I have, well it's all mine

You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine
It's all mine
It's all mine
It's all...........mine!

Overall, it's a decent first try... You seem to be conforming to a ryhme scheme... I beg of your, avoid this! Also... Also, try not to think of a melody when your writing, focus more on the words... Once the words are finished, then you can work out a melody... and remember, it is okay to change the music for the sake of the words...


Don't start off each line with a capital, it's makes it hard to read... Think of it as writing a sentence that just happens to rhyme... Such as

After four great years,
you threw it all away.

Now as for the rhyming, avoid it at all costs at this stage in your writing.. I mean this! Right now, you need to focus on your poetic language... Don't get me wrong, but I don't FEEL anything from reading this... This is more of what you would call a journal entry... If you want someone to get involved with the song, and get into it... Share how your feeling with them


Good try for your first time... But I suggest you set this one aside, forget about it and try writing something else..

Thank you very much for putting some time into it and helping me out....i really appreciate it.....i will consider all of your points and try to fix it or start over.....thanks!!!!

ya those were some excellent critiques... makes me want to write something and have it disected to death

Just to let ya know, this is your first attempt, so don't let us bring you down. Everyone's first few attempts at writing kind of blow and are majorly hackneyed, but soon enough, you'll find your style. Keep writing, and when you do, try to pick something to write about besides "my lover left me, and now all I have is time, money, or a broken heart." If you can get past the first few that suck, your stuff should start sounding unique, and for the most part, damn good.

And if it doesn't, just sell your stuff to pop singers. It's already better than most of the shit they sing nowadays.

For Your Lungs Only wrote:And if it doesn't, just sell your stuff to pop singers. It's already better than most of the shit they sing nowadays.

Thats funny....and a good idea.

I know this kind of sob story is written all the time....its just that when i decided to start writing....that whole time in my life came racing through my head so that is what i put on paper....i already have started thinking about how to make that one better and have started a new song as well.

Thank you to all who have helped me out so far.....it is greatly appreciated!!

fuck i like it. I say it works just fine. Fuck doing the same thing as everyone else, man i say do what your heart tells you to, my heart telle me you can write. Goood job!

Thanks Liam!!!

I'd tell you it was a good job... But that's not really helping you as a writer, and you want to get better, right?


Also, don't picture Raine singing this, or anyone else while your writing... It'll help

every time i sit and write, i can only think of depressing negative things to write.....i wish i could write something positive

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts.....i appreciate it a lot!

You shouldn't write for your emotions... Being dark and depressing is not bad... But if you want to write something, we want to feel it with you... It's not good enough to say "I'm deeply in pain", because then we don't get the full effect of the song... I'm not a very good writer myself, but when I write, I don't want to tell people how I'm feeling, I want them to feel my pain, and feel for themselves... an example:

Pain is on the tip of my lips
I hope it doesn't fall in
I'd have to gain balance
I'd have to kneel over
and try to spit out everything
I found in you.
Everything I found in you

Well, it's not quite the best example... But it's more of a story than a journal entry... Pay attention too your poetic language and words with double meaning (Not how when I say I'm kneeling over, I say kneel as in to balance myself, then too spit it out... Also note how none of my lines really rhyme in the last word... But when you're saying it out loud, it fits... Also, watch out for forced rhyme patterns... When I say that, I mean something like this:

On the edge of the world, I sit
on the end of the rage, I'll find it

As opposed to a more natural line:

I sit on the edge of the world
And I'll find it on the end of your rage

Which is more natural to say, and you don't have to break to say it...

I hope this helps you somewhat... If you want to talk to me a bit more, then you can email me or contact me:

autumns_rain@hotmail.com
55412466 (ICQ)
and mdryden@canada.com

LightRainShower wrote:Your C&C.... Please don't take anything to heart...

ITS ALL MINE
by Paul Gambale

After four great years
You threw it all away
I can't believe it's happening
It seems like yesterday
I want you to know
I loved you all along
But now that it's over
I know that it was wrong

This strophe(verse/stanza) is chop full of cliches... Kind of overused sayings... Try to back off on them, they are a evil, evil force...

You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"

You don't need this, not at all.. You're just kind of rewording your entire first strophe... I know it sounds kind of cool when a melody is going through your head, but try to get rid of the melody, it will only impair your writing..

Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine

I like this little bit, Line 3 is a bit of a cliche, but well used... Good

Never thought I'd be
This happy without you
It's time to move on
I know that I'm due
I've got myself back
To the man I was
The man I was
Before I fell in love with you

Again with the rewording of the last strophe... Try to ween yourself off of this... Lines 1-4 and the last line are kind of lacking... Line 4 kind of confuses me...

You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine

You broke my heart when you said
"I'm sorry, but this is the end"
Now I'm okay, I'm doing fine
All the time I have, well it's all mine

You didn't want me
I didn't want you
I never realized it
Until you said "we're through"
Would you believe
That I'm doing fine
Now all the time I have
Well it's all mine
It's all mine
It's all mine
It's all mine
It's all...........mine!

Overall, it's a decent first try... You seem to be conforming to a ryhme scheme... I beg of your, avoid this! Also... Also, try not to think of a melody when your writing, focus more on the words... Once the words are finished, then you can work out a melody... and remember, it is okay to change the music for the sake of the words...


Don't start off each line with a capital, it's makes it hard to read... Think of it as writing a sentence that just happens to rhyme... Such as

After four great years,
you threw it all away.

Now as for the rhyming, avoid it at all costs at this stage in your writing.. I mean this! Right now, you need to focus on your poetic language... Don't get me wrong, but I don't FEEL anything from reading this... This is more of what you would call a journal entry... If you want someone to get involved with the song, and get into it... Share how your feeling with them


Good try for your first time... But I suggest you set this one aside, forget about it and try writing something else..

WERD.