ClumsyMonkey.net

Iris/Inferno

A mother's lost effegy
Cries out for the foolish child
Drowning in a swarming pool of contempt

Discouraging embrace our shortfalls and weaknesses
Drug-induced determination
Knowledge thus realeased from terror

Indifferent to suffering
Celebration of souls
Stalked by faith
A match alongside inferno

Take these solemn pills
Press play on the sunrise
Endless comas
Just good intentions mislead

She stands, a ghost
Uttered by still lips
Alone in a burning garden

I reach for her eyes
A firey debate
Pupils implode

I am but the tie
That holds it all together


Any critisism would be much appretiated.
I'm not sure about the last two lines.

~yannic

I don't know all that much when it comes to criticizing poetry, like about the format and whatnot, but I really like it a lot! I especially like this verse:

Take these solemn pills
Press play on the sunrise
Endless comas
Just good intentions mislead

I don't know if this is what you intended, but the line "Press play on the sunrise" kind of gives me the idea that, while we can all make choices, we really have no control over the end result. I mean, what ends up happening can't always be what we intend...sometimes that's good and other times not, but that idea seems to always hold true!

I like the ending too. It kind of gives a somewhat hopeful outlook to an otherwise sorrowful story.

:::troy:::

thanks!

no, that;s not really what i meant, but i like it better than my explanation.


other people...write something, i don't care what!

generally, i like it

thank you

any comments?

I Didnt know u were that deep!!! its good

thanks erin! that wasn't really meant for you to read...I only like people who I'm never going to meet in my life read my stuff. see ya tonight. i didn't forget to get the cd's for you coughcough

Damn, beats mine...

Your songs are fucking good!!!!
I can't rhyme...

lately i've been staying away from rhyming a little, and thanks. I still like yours better...