ClumsyMonkey.net

blonde

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i walk into your room, and i notice a few things.
it's a smaller room in a bigger house, and when i'm there
it seems in the air there's a promise and it clings.
and leaning on the wall there's a girl whose tall
she's blonde and bold and oh so cold
and i feel my heart hold
and my willpower fold
and in that moment i know
for this girl i'd do anything
because when i see her my heart sings.

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i think the last three lines are weak. they're sort of generic. i would like help replacing or improving them. thank you.

another suggestion:

the line: and oh so cold

usually, that's not a good thing. is it there only for the rhyme?

no. that's what the girl is like, by her own admission.

revised version:

i walk into your room, and i notice a few things.
it's a smaller room in a bigger house, and when i'm there
it seems in the air there's a promise and it clings.
and leaning on the wall there's a girl whose tall
she's blonde and bold and oh so cold
and i feel my heart hold
and my willpower fold
i'm trying not to let it show because i've only got one chance to blow.
and if i have any say then i won't throw it away.

i'm not tall hun

doug is in trouble

doug you got some splainin to do

sorry emily baby

i was just guessing. plus tall rhymes with wall.

i am rather 5'2"

well. you understand how

[and leaning on the wall there's a girl whose 5'2"]

doesn't work, don't you?

yes, i agree.

so. it's about you anyway, then.

what do you think?

its nice

emily, do not be fooled by this man. he is a liar.

this poem is clearly about kari collins. i am sorry to break it to you, but it is.

uh oh

i feel so used

welcome to my world.

don't listen to him.

it could be about any blonde girl.

so its not about me?

if you want it to be it is.