ClumsyMonkey.net

So it goes something like this:

Girl goes out with guy ...
Guy hits girl ...
Multiple occasions ...
Girl breaks up with guy ...
Girl says good riddance ...
What an asshole ...
A year passes ...
Guy continues to be a prick ...
And an asshole ...
Girl goes out with guy again ...
Guy pops the question ...
Both are estatic ...
Guy continues to be a prick ...
And an asshole ...


I don't know this girl all that well but I did lend an ear during this year off.
She hasn't talked to me since going back out with this jerkwad.

So I've been thinking off two options:

A. Tell her 'Don't come whining to me if he decides he's going to beat you again'

B. Say nothing and let it pass

I am contemplating option C and in a public forum ask him: 'So you want to be a "wife"beater now, instead of just a gf beater?'
It could be a fun and scathing option but would cause mucho drama.

For additional information this isn't:
'I have a thing for her and am jealous'

This is:
'This guy is a prick, an asshole, and an abuser and she must be a sucker for abuse. And I'm a guy who thinks a guy who hits a girl is the lowest form of fucking scum on earth.'

Maybe I could pass along some more helpful information to her that's not as drama laced?

Well, I would tell her how you see this. Stay away from name-calling, but tell her that if he's hit her before he WILL hit her again. And marriage increases abuse - if she gets into a marriage with an abuser, it will very likely be hard to get out, especially if they end up having kids.

I would stay away from your first two options. If you go with B, well you might feel guilty if she gets really hurt or killed by this guy (this may sound dramatic, but on occasion abusive marriages end up with attempted murder or murder). If you go with A, she will probably just feel like she has to prove to you that he's not abusive, and then be unable to turn to you if he is.

And once you've said your piece, back off. I hate to say this, but it is her decision. Lay things out to her as clearly as you can, and maybe tell her to google resources on domestic abuse - like www.ndvh.org. Then after that, you've really done all you can. There is no clear answer - some experts say cut off support and a victim will be forced to change her situation, others say a support network is necessary - isolate a victim and they are completely disempowered.

But Brian - do your best, and whatever happens is not your fault. Remember that: not. your. fault. And it might be more meaningful coming from you than from people who the girl is really close to. Point out that you are not invested; you're an objective third party. And you think this is a really really bad idea. Marriage does not cure abuse EVER, and people do not change because they are getting married. If I were talking to her, I'd emphasize that. What's she going to do in a year, in two years, in five years, when he's hitting her and she has to go through legal processes to get away? Will she have her own money? A contingency plan?

You might want to check out the advice here too: http://www.thestranger.com/savage/abuse

uh, this may be more than you were looking for. But this is terrifying to me. I hope she leaves. I really, really hope she leaves him.

i would just try to be there for her; she might try to push you away and insist that everything's better, but it's hard to see clearly in an abusive relationship.

i was in a bad relationship for awhile. my roommates were always frustrated with me cause i kept going back to this guy. i was really unstable during a certain point and he talked down on me all the time & said that i needed him around.

i was actually talking to one of my best friends the other day about this because her ex boyfriend is reeeally crazy. it was weird hearing about what's happened to us over the last couple years. whenever he said i was pathetic or that he couldn't stand me, i would just be like, "i know, i'm sorry" and tell myself it's okay because i made him angry. this situation obviously isn't as serious, but...i'm just trying to say that it's hard to see your relationship from the outside, because sometimes you only want to see the good in your significant other. i'm sorry if i'm blabbering. this is really hard for me to talk about. i'm alllll over the place. haha.

I've learned a lot about drama and friendships, and the flat out truth of it is, that its a very selfish thing to turn away from your friends when they are going through stuff. The people that will stay even during the bad decisions are those worthwhile friends.

Yeah, you might have to sit there and say "you shouldn't do this" over and over and over, but its hard for me to understand how doing that is so tedious that it isn't worth the effort of being friends.