ClumsyMonkey.net

I just got home from the bar. Closed up the place! Yay! So... here I am. Now home. Chatting with my friend Mike on facebook.

Yup. That's right. All of you in this thread are now going to read the thoughts that are running through my mind.

Wow. I didn't even drink all that much, but I had a buzz going down.

4 beers. A captain and coke (on the house). And a couple jello shots. I was there a couple hours. Haha! Cop was behind me when I got back into town, but at the red light the hooker turned around and went after somebody else. Yay!!! I didn't go to the bikini contest! So I win.

Wait. Or do I? Shit.

Oh wait. I'm now drinking a mixer because I forgot there was alcohol in the fridge. Yay! Clearanced booze FTW!

I think I pee'd like 3 times just while at the bar. Then I pee'd the second I got outta my car. Attempted to write my name on the sidewalk.

Got the N. E. And was just starting the I. G'dammit.

On the drive home... I blasted "Almost Easy" by Avenged Sevenfold. This song is also on Rockband. I love singing that 'effing song.

I am almost easy. Because I almost give it up to Johnny's mom. But... I tend to stop myself and play just the tip. Because that's all she deserves from me.

I wasn't even gonna go out! I was on the couch. Being a bitch. Watching the roast of Larry the Cable Guy on Comedy Central. Then I find out a certain individual in my life decided to come out drinking in MY town. WTF. But not even bother to invite me. Give me a heads up. Wtf ever.

I understand it's a free country. Fuck 'er couch. But sheesh... I haven't seen ya in a while. Give me a shout! I was already texting with you before you even came out. Wtf ever. Choke on a fat one.

Apparently lisa campanelli loves black dudes so much...

That she...

Oh fuck. I forgot the joke. O'Doyle rules!

Johnny and I's xbox LIVE friend (Mike) is apparently a member of this board. And I just found out now. So I'm gonna call him out. Right here.

Hopefully you'll all get introduced to DaLittleGouda21.

I'm gonna be a bitter cracker if my shit talking gets interrupted.

Like butter, baby.... I'm on a roll.

So.. I go to the gas station today. Figures! A guy that seriously looks like Abu from Simpsons was working the counter.

"Did you get gas?" No joke! Sounded just like Abu. I felt like a douche because I laughed. Out loud.

"No. I didn't get gas. I just wanna pay for my ho-hos and my Mountain Dew."

He says, "That's not your MINI-VAN out there?" Again. Abu. rock on!

I reply, "No. Dude. I'm 29. I drive that Saturn (point at it) and don't think about stealing it!"

He laughed!!! He actually laughed at my car.

Asswipe.

Has any of the CM dudes ever once... (even while drink) thought about wanting to bang Roseanne Barr?

All right stop collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle

My friend Duncan (who's nose I "apparently" broke when we were young?) showed up at the bar tonight with a SMOKIN' HOT girl.

I love Duncan. The kid is cool shit. Even for being an Iowegen! (Iowa) However, he's slightly funny looking. Big honkin' beaker!!!

The girl that showed up with him was SMOKIN' HOT! Not my type. What so ever. But g'damn. If he didn't tap that. I'm taking away his man card.

I'm watching that bullshit commercial advertising ExtenZe. For men. Supposed to help make the man-hood bigger. Right?

Bullshit!!!! Besides. I'm already carrying a pop can. I don't need any help. Thanks. Jerkoffs!

Why is it... That we drive on a parkway, but we park on a driveway?

That's seriously mental.

I tracked Santa this last X-Mas through the NORAD site. They claimed he was like over my house. WTF. How would I miss that? All I saw when I went outside was a group of drunken streetwalkers offering knobbers for quarters.

I threw a dime. They wouldn't even look at me. That's rediculous.

I own my own bowling ball. It's awesome. Marble red and blue mixed. It's badass. If I could only figure out how to effectively hook with the 'effer!

I'm going bowling next weekend. I'm gonna do one of them sexy ass dances like on the ESPN retro commercials.

How many guys in the CM have thought about Johnny's mom at least once?

If you say you haven't. You're fulla shit.

I rented the new 50 Cent game for Xbox 360! And I'm not ashamed to say so!

If you all rented it. You'd love it. What up gangstaaaaa!?

The Disney movie Bolt comes out next week. Make sure you pick it up! It's amazing.