Best forward email. ever.
Posted: 2/8/2006, 8:36 pm
My aunt forwarded this email to me. I think it's hilarious.
--
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from
Venus"? Here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an
American University.
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the
tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the
person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then
write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The
first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you
wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both
agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).
STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out
of the question.
-----------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of >an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,???*?? he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far... " But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out
of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt
from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the
cockpit.
------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and
Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things round her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for
the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human
race.
Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships
were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of
Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized
poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed
his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
--------------------------------------
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKing TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
-------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
ASSHOLE.
--------------------------------------
(Gary)
BITCH.
--------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
DICK!
--------------------------------------
(Gary)
Slut.
-------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
--------------------------------------
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
(teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.
--
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from
Venus"? Here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an
American University.
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the
tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the
person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then
write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The
first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you
wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both
agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).
STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out
of the question.
-----------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of >an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,???*?? he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far... " But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out
of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt
from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the
cockpit.
------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and
Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things round her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for
the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human
race.
Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships
were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of
Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized
poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed
his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
--------------------------------------
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKing TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
-------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
ASSHOLE.
--------------------------------------
(Gary)
BITCH.
--------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
DICK!
--------------------------------------
(Gary)
Slut.
-------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
--------------------------------------
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
(teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.
.