The Perfect Dump
Posted: 7/27/2005, 10:36 pm
If you are here to say that it is disgusting to speak of crap, get the hell out immediately.
Only post if you are here to contribute with a good response.
Otherwise, get the hell out immediately.
Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump.
It's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth-sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver - but that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
However, sometimes one may have the Oberst Shitzer Von Ubermenschen Unteroffizier of shits that takes two rolls of two ply and ten consecutive flushes. Stupid piece'a shit.
Now, the worst are dumps on hot summer days. You really have to go, but you are fearing the consequences.
You go into an air-conditioned building to shit, and everything seems fine. You make sure you really wipe yourself dry since it's hot outside. Then you walk outside and the swamp-ass starts. You're walking around and your crack begins to sweat. "Hmm, I must not have wiped too well." So you go back into the bathroom and re-wipe. Ah, still a little there. Back outside you go.
How 'bout the miracle weight-loss craps? The kind that start propelling as soon as you sit down. It feels great, because you have this non-stop caravan of enough logs to build a cabin, and at the same time you can literally feel your gut shrinking. You flush and hope that your toilet is fast enough, as the poop is piling and there is no possibility of restraint. After a wonderful 65 seconds, the freight train has passed and the dust is settling. Just as you reach for the toilet paper, the omnious rumbling resumes and several more pounds slither and plummet into the rising tide. This repeats itself several times untill you begin to wonder how it is humanly possible to even accomodate so much fecal matter. I have seriously lost upwards of pounds that way. The key is several coffee makers of coffee.
One of the most frustrating of all shits are those massive ones you take. . .and when you look in the water, knowing that you've pushed a massive turd, you see what? Absolutely nothing. This is referred to as The Phantom. Now The Rocker is pretty self-explanatory. It's when you get one of those uber soft dumps that stick to your ass, so you have to rock back and forth to get it off. Alrighty, that's the dumping vocabulary of the day.
Ever been at somebody else's house and had to shit? If you don't know them that well yet, you try to hold it until you can get home but, as we all know, sometimes thats just not possible. . .
So you muster up all your manners and ask, "May use your restroom?" And then you go take care of it. . .you turn on the fan and open the window to keep anybody from smelling it, force it out quickly before any smell has a chance to linger, and even hold your legs together to prevent the fart sounds from echoing through the house. But it never fails. Every single time after you flush it, there are always those embarassing skid marks left on the bottom of the bowl.
Ya know, I find that taking a dump is a good time to reflect on ones life, and make important decisions about the future.
Ahhh. . .the harmonic tales of shit. Always pleasing.
"Some come here to sit and wonder, I come here to shit like thunder."
-Unknown
---------------------
First of all, I didn't make that up. Second of all, that person speaks the truth. And thirdly, I think Nam will like this thread.
Only post if you are here to contribute with a good response.
Otherwise, get the hell out immediately.
Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump.
It's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth-sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver - but that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
However, sometimes one may have the Oberst Shitzer Von Ubermenschen Unteroffizier of shits that takes two rolls of two ply and ten consecutive flushes. Stupid piece'a shit.
Now, the worst are dumps on hot summer days. You really have to go, but you are fearing the consequences.
You go into an air-conditioned building to shit, and everything seems fine. You make sure you really wipe yourself dry since it's hot outside. Then you walk outside and the swamp-ass starts. You're walking around and your crack begins to sweat. "Hmm, I must not have wiped too well." So you go back into the bathroom and re-wipe. Ah, still a little there. Back outside you go.
How 'bout the miracle weight-loss craps? The kind that start propelling as soon as you sit down. It feels great, because you have this non-stop caravan of enough logs to build a cabin, and at the same time you can literally feel your gut shrinking. You flush and hope that your toilet is fast enough, as the poop is piling and there is no possibility of restraint. After a wonderful 65 seconds, the freight train has passed and the dust is settling. Just as you reach for the toilet paper, the omnious rumbling resumes and several more pounds slither and plummet into the rising tide. This repeats itself several times untill you begin to wonder how it is humanly possible to even accomodate so much fecal matter. I have seriously lost upwards of pounds that way. The key is several coffee makers of coffee.
One of the most frustrating of all shits are those massive ones you take. . .and when you look in the water, knowing that you've pushed a massive turd, you see what? Absolutely nothing. This is referred to as The Phantom. Now The Rocker is pretty self-explanatory. It's when you get one of those uber soft dumps that stick to your ass, so you have to rock back and forth to get it off. Alrighty, that's the dumping vocabulary of the day.
Ever been at somebody else's house and had to shit? If you don't know them that well yet, you try to hold it until you can get home but, as we all know, sometimes thats just not possible. . .
So you muster up all your manners and ask, "May use your restroom?" And then you go take care of it. . .you turn on the fan and open the window to keep anybody from smelling it, force it out quickly before any smell has a chance to linger, and even hold your legs together to prevent the fart sounds from echoing through the house. But it never fails. Every single time after you flush it, there are always those embarassing skid marks left on the bottom of the bowl.
Ya know, I find that taking a dump is a good time to reflect on ones life, and make important decisions about the future.
Ahhh. . .the harmonic tales of shit. Always pleasing.
"Some come here to sit and wonder, I come here to shit like thunder."
-Unknown
---------------------
First of all, I didn't make that up. Second of all, that person speaks the truth. And thirdly, I think Nam will like this thread.
"Pornopolis" "famous nudes" "rate my boner" "rate my boobies"