Congratulations Cassie!

laurel · Post by **laurel** » 7/31/2008, 12:59 pm

how long have you guys known each other/been involved for, cass?

Henrietta · Post by **Henrietta** » 7/31/2008, 8:54 pm

I won't be having a live band/string quartet. I'll just play the music over a system.

I've known him since March. We've been together since the first of May.

Lando · Post by **Lando** » 8/1/2008, 12:39 am

Wow... well good luck with that then. I don't know fully how mormons do things, but one thing's for sure, you can't know everything about a person in that short of a time, so I hope you're not getting in over your head! Too many people get stuck in bad marriages, so I wish all the best for you Cass.

Also, if this is your first serious relationship, be aware that feelings change over time. The initial euphoria of love and excitement changes over time, I'm in no way saying you'll fall out of love with the person, but it's a different experience emotionally as love progresses or develops, so don't be surprised if you don't feel the same excitement about the relationship as time goes on. You'll probably just be more in love! but it'll be different than the whole new discovery stage of the relationship!

crustine · Post by **crustine** » 8/1/2008, 7:30 am

Lando wrote:Wow... well good luck with that then. I don't know fully how mormons do things, but one thing's for sure, you can't know everything about a person in that short of a time, so I hope you're not getting in over your head! Too many people get stuck in bad marriages, so I wish all the best for you Cass.

While i understand where you are coming from with this Lando, I believe that one should not know everything about a person before they commit. What is the fun in that? I think that our society has taken on this idea of relationships/marriage that does lead to the huge divorce rate. The idea that we find the perfect person, that we know everything about them, that we must be together for a long time before we know that etc, has lead to this false illusion of what constitutes the material for marriage. Often the result is that people are marrying much later after having many long relationships. This leads to a number of factors which i believe may be fodder for the high divorce rate; you have other serious relationships in which to compare your marriage to, and that is often not a good thing, two, you are striving for this ideal of a perfect relationship.

We as humans are not perfect. We waste a lot of time looking to this ideal of perfection, often at the cost of living today. I agree there are many levels of love/infatuation/lust and that will happen whether you are married or not.

In 'the good old days' couples were married in their early twenties, they didnt have lots of relationships to compare to, they accepted that marriage is something to work at. You married while still in the infatuation stage, TRUSTING your instincts that the person you were going to marry was a good person. The relationship then grew IN the marriage. There will always be things about other people that will annoy us but the core beliefs of the individual is fairly stable. The result is the divorce rate was much much lower. Yes there are going to be rough times in any marriage, and if you havent had lots of practice dealing with those events (from bailing on all your other serious relationships) then you probably work harder to get through them and, i will assert, be more accepting of the rough time for what it is.

okay i know i havent articulated this particularly well. i do feel pretty passionate about it. I grew up in a time where divorces were rare, yes every person may not have been super happy all of the time, but that is true in or out of a relationship.

crustine · Post by **crustine** » 8/1/2008, 7:35 am

sorry for double posting...

what is important before getting into a marriage is discussions about finances, how they will be divided/shared/handled. Children what you would like from the marriage (of course this doesn't always happen), religion, family, and where you will live, how work in the home will be divided.
These issues, if not discussed before, can become serious problems in a relationship.

Henrietta · Post by **Henrietta** » 8/1/2008, 8:02 am

Haha, somehow I knew you guys would think I was going too fast. Of course I realize what it looks like. I'm not saying I'm doing this because I'm Mormon. I'm doing this because it's right. I know so and it's basically the only decision I've ever made that I feel sure about. I agree with crustine, I don't have the idea that life is going to be a fairy tale. I don't need to know every last detail about him before we get married. I need to know that he's the kind of man that I want to be with forever. That's the best any person can do.

We've discussed everything. We know exactly how the other feels about the important things, like finances.

laurel · Post by **laurel** » 8/1/2008, 6:13 pm

crustine wrote:
Lando wrote:Wow... well good luck with that then. I don't know fully how mormons do things, but one thing's for sure, you can't know everything about a person in that short of a time, so I hope you're not getting in over your head! Too many people get stuck in bad marriages, so I wish all the best for you Cass.

While i understand where you are coming from with this Lando, I believe that one should not know everything about a person before they commit. What is the fun in that? I think that our society has taken on this idea of relationships/marriage that does lead to the huge divorce rate. The idea that we find the perfect person, that we know everything about them, that we must be together for a long time before we know that etc, has lead to this false illusion of what constitutes the material for marriage. Often the result is that people are marrying much later after having many long relationships. This leads to a number of factors which i believe may be fodder for the high divorce rate; you have other serious relationships in which to compare your marriage to, and that is often not a good thing, two, you are striving for this ideal of a perfect relationship.

We as humans are not perfect. We waste a lot of time looking to this ideal of perfection, often at the cost of living today. I agree there are many levels of love/infatuation/lust and that will happen whether you are married or not.

In 'the good old days' couples were married in their early twenties, they didnt have lots of relationships to compare to, they accepted that marriage is something to work at. You married while still in the infatuation stage, TRUSTING your instincts that the person you were going to marry was a good person. The relationship then grew IN the marriage. There will always be things about other people that will annoy us but the core beliefs of the individual is fairly stable. The result is the divorce rate was much much lower. Yes there are going to be rough times in any marriage, and if you havent had lots of practice dealing with those events (from bailing on all your other serious relationships) then you probably work harder to get through them and, i will assert, be more accepting of the rough time for what it is.

okay i know i havent articulated this particularly well. i do feel pretty passionate about it. I grew up in a time where divorces were rare, yes every person may not have been super happy all of the time, but that is true in or out of a relationship.

so. i was in a relationship pre-lando. had i married the other guy three months after knowing him, things would have seemed perfectly lovely. until....he turned into a psycho. i didn't know everything about him until about a year, two years into the relationship...and dear god, if i got married without knowing that, i would have the most miserable life imaginable. there were so many aspects to his personality that did not emerge until later into the relationship, once i knew him much better. forget working at it...you can't work on it when someone has major personality flaws. you want to try getting screamed at when he's in a fit of jealous rage? you can not work with that kind of thing.

really, i believe you can not know a person too well. people don't reveal themselves immediately. when i was in my previous relationship, i trusted that he was a good person...until time went on. i honestly believe you should know a person pretty much inside out before you decide you should be legally bound to them. people are really good at hiding themselves. you never know what might emerge once they get more comfortable with you.

oh, and cass, i'm not trying to say what you're doing is wrong - i just wanted to discuss my view with crustine. so please don't think i'm attacking what you're doing or anything like that.

Henrietta · Post by **Henrietta** » 8/1/2008, 6:23 pm

Good, cause I'm getting married either way.

The reality of any marriage is that people do change. You cannot know them for three years, get married, and expect them to stay the same at that point of three years in. The only way I know that what I'm doing is right is because I've prayed about it. And no matter how it turns out, I know I did what I was supposed to.

crustine · Post by **crustine** » 8/1/2008, 6:27 pm

i completely agree with Laurel on the ..discussion from here on out is of the merits of getting to know someone first and nothing personal or judgmental about your decisions Cassie.

I am really glad that you emerged out of that relationship intact Laurel and that you are with someone whom I would say is pretty darn sweet. I also agree to some extent with what you are saying. I know I know i am completely contradicting myself with that. I think it is a matter of getting to a place with a person where their ego is unleashed and the true colours are shining. Sometimes it takes many years and layers for people to reveal themselves and others it is instant. Were there any warning signs about this guy prior? Little gut feelings that were ignored or explained? There are definitely controlling people out there who are masters at guising their faults and in many cases it isnt until they 'ring is on your finger' that it comes out. You were very lucky to have it revealed while you were still able to get free of it.

I do see both sides of this debate. I guess my reaction stems from seeing so many people not really working at relationships. When it gets a little stale or challenging so many people just leave. I shouldn't sweep with such a large brush. I hope i didn't offend anyone.

Lando · Post by **Lando** » 8/1/2008, 7:19 pm

crustine wrote:I am really glad that you emerged out of that relationship intact Laurel and that you are with someone whom I would say is pretty darn sweet.

I prefer the term 'bad-ass' actually.

I, in no way was trying to tell cass to change her mind or tell her she's doing something wrong. she's gotta live her life the way she wants! I was merely issuing a warning to not be surprised once the feelings change!

cause it'll happen, and when it does, it's either gonna be for the better or... he's gonna go around decapitating people on buses. either way, sam roberts says it best. "we got one life to live, but we're doing it wrong you see."

Post by **xjsb125** » 8/1/2008, 9:00 pm

crustine wrote:sorry for double posting...

what is important before getting into a marriage is discussions about finances, how they will be divided/shared/handled. Children what you would like from the marriage (of course this doesn't always happen), religion, family, and where you will live, how work in the home will be divided.
These issues, if not discussed before, can become serious problems in a relationship.

Amen. You also need to know that you have some things in common that are going to be strong enough to bond you together for life. I'm happy for you Cass. As long as you believe it in your heart that this is forever for you, I'm behind you 100%. Not that my opinion, or anyone else's opinion means a damn thing, but the CM's blessings are important!!!

Henrietta · Post by **Henrietta** » 8/1/2008, 9:46 pm

Amen

Henrietta · Post by **Henrietta** » 8/4/2008, 2:54 pm

I almost have my dress picked out.

Dr. Hobo · Post by **Dr. Hobo** » 8/4/2008, 3:01 pm

so does that mean you have like.. half a dress picked out? 75%? 80%?! what?!?!

Henrietta · Post by **Henrietta** » 8/4/2008, 3:22 pm

No, it means I've narrowed it down to three that I really want!

Dr. Hobo · Post by **Dr. Hobo** » 8/4/2008, 3:37 pm

so thats like.. 33%!

crustine · Post by **crustine** » 8/4/2008, 4:01 pm

for a temple ceremony your dress has to meet the requirements doesnt it? Are there lots of modest dresses to choose from? Will you have a different one for the reception??

Henrietta · Post by **Henrietta** » 8/4/2008, 8:15 pm

Yes for the temple ceremony it has to be all white and be modest. There are some stores here that carry dresses that meet those requirements, but most don't. Most of the ones I've tried on don't so I'll have to have them sent somewhere to be built up. After I go to the temple for the first time I make certain covenants so I won't be able to wear a dress that doesn't meet those requirements even outside the temple. However, I will be wearing a different dress in than out, just because I want some off white beading and that's not allowed in the temple

crustine · Post by **crustine** » 8/5/2008, 6:56 pm

will you wear you dress to the reception or will that be a more casual event. I really like the idea of having the reception the next day. It makes for a much more relaxed affair.

Henrietta · Post by **Henrietta** » 8/5/2008, 10:23 pm

I'm going to wear my dress to my reception and to the open house

Gotta get as much wear as possible!