Posted: 1/31/2006, 3:30 pm
thanks Sar! I missed y'all!! *hugs all around!!!!*
ahhhhh....beautiful!
definitely missed you around!!
ClumsyMonkey.net
An Our Lady Peace Fan Community
http://forum.clumsymonkey.net/
pouring out your soul
Page 18 of 19
Posted: 1/31/2006, 4:00 pm
Posted: 2/12/2006, 8:54 pm
wrote this a moment ago...
"the bitter cold of winter"
the bitter cold of winter
well it steals my warmth away
out from between my arms
where I'd prayed to God it'd stay
like a thief upon the night
it creeps into my bones
a wanderer from life it seems
and seems I'll never make it home
"the bitter cold of winter"
the bitter cold of winter
well it steals my warmth away
out from between my arms
where I'd prayed to God it'd stay
like a thief upon the night
it creeps into my bones
a wanderer from life it seems
and seems I'll never make it home
Posted: 2/13/2006, 8:46 am
came to me this morning...
"happy valentine's day"
a man walks through
a broken holiday
hearts of black
and flowers wilting
fill the aisles
they fill his eyes
greeting cards
scatter the floor
he steps on them
on his way
to his dear, sweet
nobody girl
"happy valentine's day"
a man walks through
a broken holiday
hearts of black
and flowers wilting
fill the aisles
they fill his eyes
greeting cards
scatter the floor
he steps on them
on his way
to his dear, sweet
nobody girl
Posted: 2/22/2006, 12:59 pm
"indie"
explode onto the scene
empty words
churning guitars
be so short and sweet
with your pretention
on postured scars
explode onto the scene
empty words
churning guitars
be so short and sweet
with your pretention
on postured scars
Posted: 2/22/2006, 1:06 pm
I wrote this...
"Chance is in the sky"
Chance is in the sky
with just her wings
made out of air
waving like the feathers
wind slipping through her hair
the fall it takes a life's time
a million more than she can bear
and it's all replaying
in her eyes--
that dear day without a care
about writing this. I was also listeing to Better Than Ezra at the time, and it found it's way into the story...
"A Lifetime"
The rain was coming down in torrents. Chance shivered with the cold. She always shivered. Even in this sweltering summer, she seemed to find herself chilled to the bone. Her dark black hair was matted to her face, sticking tightly to her thin nightgown. The water slid down off the soaked cloth with such motion that it seemed as if she were glistening. Her bare feet made tiny splashes as she swayed slowly; back and forth, back and forth, to the melody in her head. She had been singing that same song, along with Jake, just the day before.
“…and you were standing on the hood of the car, singing out loud when the sun came up, and I know it wasn’t right, but it felt so good…”
Soon she was humming under her breath. Her frail, pale arms swayed slightly with her thin hips. If you didn’t know, you would almost think she were happy. Just a girl; a girl dancing in the rain.
After so many hours, her feet were getting sore. The cold, hard brick was finally starting to cut through her tender soles. She had lost the sense of vertigo from standing up so high. Even twenty stories didn’t seem so far after staring down to the passing cars for so long. She had counted a hundred and seventy-nine cars in the time she’d been standing there.
Every single car seemed to bring that moment back to her mind. She could still hear the sounds—so strong, so strong. The deafening roar, the sound of the world just shattering apart. She could still smell the smells—so strong, so strong. Everything still echoed so clearly through her head. She could see the hundred and eightieth car slowly coming in the distance on the street below.
It had taken hours, but her tears were finally beginning to fade into the water pouring from the heavens. It had been raining since yesterday. She could still barely feel the salt burning on her cheeks. Her eyes were red; they’d been bloodshot for days. She hadn’t slept since… then. Chance desperately spread her arms out to her sides. They hung in the air like tiny feathers; held together by nothing more than string. Her white gown lifted to below her knees. The bottom fell almost to her ankles. It tickled her calves.
Chance raised her eyes up toward the sky. She’d been looking for stars all night—she still hadn’t found any. She could just barely make out the full moon through the clouds. The rain drops lay heavy on her eyelids. She finally shut them and let out a sigh.
It was in this moment, just like every time she had blinked since then, that it all began playing again. Like a black and white film, crackling through her mind. When she remembered it, she saw everything from the outside. It all happened in slow motion.
The story never seemed to just play that moment—it would never just start there, and be over. It would begin that morning. That happy, happy morning. With the sun slicing though the old window blinds; illuminating the light layer of stale dust that always seemed to drift through Chance’s room. The last sincere smile that would ever cross her lips escaped that morning. It came as Jake stepped into the room. Coffee and donuts in hand. She could see the content ness in his eyes—the world was perfect, just being with her. She knew he found the same look in her face.
Chance yawned, and stealthily shifted her blanket over her mouth, to hide the morning breath she feared she would have.
“I thought you would forget,” she couldn’t hide the giddiness in her voice. At this Jake leaned down, gently pulled the blanket away from Chance’s face, and kissed her good morning. She blushed, and yanked the blanket back up to under her nose.
“How could I forget the anniversary of our first date?” he asked, handing her a cup of coffee and a chocolate covered donut.
“My favorite!” she cheerily yawned, taking an overly small, girlish bite before sipping on her coffee.
‘It’s amazing how that moment can feel like a lifetime ago’, she thought—standing high above the world, still counting cars as they drifted slowly along below her. The people at the hospital thought she had gone home. She had wanted to, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t make herself. She had been at home yesterday. She had been there a lifetime ago.
“So—what is your grand plan to impress me, today; might I ask?” Chance jokingly questioned Jake, as they drove down the same roads they had driven down a million times before.
“You’ll just have to wait and see,” Jake coyly replied, slowly slipping his hand into his pant pocket, to make sure he still had the ring he had spent the last three months working to pay the first payment on. After a few more miles, Chance began to catch on to their destination.
“Ohh! Are we going to the park?!” Jake finally cracked a smile too wide to even try to hide.
“Well, it is where we had our first date—if you’ll remember,” he jokingly shot back. Chance rolled her eyes.
“You’re so sweet!” At this she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek as he made the way to the park across town. He could still remember that night, a year ago today; he felt like the luckiest guy in the world just to be with her. He still did.
Tears began to flow down Chance’s cheeks again. She thought she would have run out by now, but sorrow seemed to be an untamable fuel. The salt began to burn on her pale face yet again. Smeared mascara surrounded her eyes, turning what were once beautiful pools of blue into hollow bloodshot craters.
They had been walking for close to an hour, and Chance didn’t have a clue as to where Jake was taking her.
“Are we there yet?” she jokingly wined, sliding her hand into his; letting his motions guide her along.
“Almost, Chance—I swear,” at this he stopped, turned around, and kissed her on the lips. She couldn’t help but beam a smile. After a few more moments, Jake turned the last corner to where he was going.
“Ohh my God! It’s so beautiful!” Chance almost squealed, taken aback by the sheer awesomeness of what she was seeing. A large rock jutted from the mountain, and looking off you could see, in every direction, all the way to the horizon. It felt like the top of the world.
“I found this place a couple of months ago when I came up here for a walk. It’s something isn’t it?” Chance barely heard him talking, her jaw was still hanging open, taking in the scene. Jake took this time to clumsily slide his hand into his pocket, and pull out the ring. When he took her hand, Chance finally turned around. He had never seen her eyes so wide as when he lowered down onto one knee, his hand weakly shaking in hers.
“Chance… will you marry me?” he finally said. Hanging so strong to every breath she took, waiting for something, anything to happen. It only took seconds for her to join him on his knees, an excited “Yes!” slipping out of her mouth, as she kissed him. As she kissed her fiancée. As she kissed the love of her life.
By now, Chance was screaming at the heavens. It didn’t make sense, nothing made sense. Tragedy, comedy, God, the fates—nothing. She was beginning to shake again from the cool of the rain.
They spent the rest of the afternoon on that rock, together. There was no telling how long they were there.
“We probably need to start back before it gets dark,” Jake finally said, taking every ounce of his strength he had to end the moment. To take the first step at turning this day from present to past. On the drive back, they rolled down all the windows in the car, and turned the radio up as loud as it would go. They sang along, together, to every song.
“…and your mother didn’t mind, like I thought she would, and that R.E.M. song was playing in my mind, and three and a half minutes…”
She loved driving his car; it went so fast, it moved so smoothly. She slowly lifted her hands from the steering wheel and let one drift in the wind outside, and with the other she pulled Jake to her to kiss him. The shriek of squealing brakes, the shattering of broken glass, and the scent of burning fuel and rubber were the last things she could remember, until she woke up on the ground, having been thrown by the force. She looked everywhere, but she knew she was lying there alone.
By now the humming under her breath had evolved into singing, as she finally took that final step into the air.
“…felt like a lifetime.”
"Chance is in the sky"
Chance is in the sky
with just her wings
made out of air
waving like the feathers
wind slipping through her hair
the fall it takes a life's time
a million more than she can bear
and it's all replaying
in her eyes--
that dear day without a care
about writing this. I was also listeing to Better Than Ezra at the time, and it found it's way into the story...
"A Lifetime"
The rain was coming down in torrents. Chance shivered with the cold. She always shivered. Even in this sweltering summer, she seemed to find herself chilled to the bone. Her dark black hair was matted to her face, sticking tightly to her thin nightgown. The water slid down off the soaked cloth with such motion that it seemed as if she were glistening. Her bare feet made tiny splashes as she swayed slowly; back and forth, back and forth, to the melody in her head. She had been singing that same song, along with Jake, just the day before.
“…and you were standing on the hood of the car, singing out loud when the sun came up, and I know it wasn’t right, but it felt so good…”
Soon she was humming under her breath. Her frail, pale arms swayed slightly with her thin hips. If you didn’t know, you would almost think she were happy. Just a girl; a girl dancing in the rain.
After so many hours, her feet were getting sore. The cold, hard brick was finally starting to cut through her tender soles. She had lost the sense of vertigo from standing up so high. Even twenty stories didn’t seem so far after staring down to the passing cars for so long. She had counted a hundred and seventy-nine cars in the time she’d been standing there.
Every single car seemed to bring that moment back to her mind. She could still hear the sounds—so strong, so strong. The deafening roar, the sound of the world just shattering apart. She could still smell the smells—so strong, so strong. Everything still echoed so clearly through her head. She could see the hundred and eightieth car slowly coming in the distance on the street below.
It had taken hours, but her tears were finally beginning to fade into the water pouring from the heavens. It had been raining since yesterday. She could still barely feel the salt burning on her cheeks. Her eyes were red; they’d been bloodshot for days. She hadn’t slept since… then. Chance desperately spread her arms out to her sides. They hung in the air like tiny feathers; held together by nothing more than string. Her white gown lifted to below her knees. The bottom fell almost to her ankles. It tickled her calves.
Chance raised her eyes up toward the sky. She’d been looking for stars all night—she still hadn’t found any. She could just barely make out the full moon through the clouds. The rain drops lay heavy on her eyelids. She finally shut them and let out a sigh.
It was in this moment, just like every time she had blinked since then, that it all began playing again. Like a black and white film, crackling through her mind. When she remembered it, she saw everything from the outside. It all happened in slow motion.
The story never seemed to just play that moment—it would never just start there, and be over. It would begin that morning. That happy, happy morning. With the sun slicing though the old window blinds; illuminating the light layer of stale dust that always seemed to drift through Chance’s room. The last sincere smile that would ever cross her lips escaped that morning. It came as Jake stepped into the room. Coffee and donuts in hand. She could see the content ness in his eyes—the world was perfect, just being with her. She knew he found the same look in her face.
Chance yawned, and stealthily shifted her blanket over her mouth, to hide the morning breath she feared she would have.
“I thought you would forget,” she couldn’t hide the giddiness in her voice. At this Jake leaned down, gently pulled the blanket away from Chance’s face, and kissed her good morning. She blushed, and yanked the blanket back up to under her nose.
“How could I forget the anniversary of our first date?” he asked, handing her a cup of coffee and a chocolate covered donut.
“My favorite!” she cheerily yawned, taking an overly small, girlish bite before sipping on her coffee.
‘It’s amazing how that moment can feel like a lifetime ago’, she thought—standing high above the world, still counting cars as they drifted slowly along below her. The people at the hospital thought she had gone home. She had wanted to, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t make herself. She had been at home yesterday. She had been there a lifetime ago.
“So—what is your grand plan to impress me, today; might I ask?” Chance jokingly questioned Jake, as they drove down the same roads they had driven down a million times before.
“You’ll just have to wait and see,” Jake coyly replied, slowly slipping his hand into his pant pocket, to make sure he still had the ring he had spent the last three months working to pay the first payment on. After a few more miles, Chance began to catch on to their destination.
“Ohh! Are we going to the park?!” Jake finally cracked a smile too wide to even try to hide.
“Well, it is where we had our first date—if you’ll remember,” he jokingly shot back. Chance rolled her eyes.
“You’re so sweet!” At this she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek as he made the way to the park across town. He could still remember that night, a year ago today; he felt like the luckiest guy in the world just to be with her. He still did.
Tears began to flow down Chance’s cheeks again. She thought she would have run out by now, but sorrow seemed to be an untamable fuel. The salt began to burn on her pale face yet again. Smeared mascara surrounded her eyes, turning what were once beautiful pools of blue into hollow bloodshot craters.
They had been walking for close to an hour, and Chance didn’t have a clue as to where Jake was taking her.
“Are we there yet?” she jokingly wined, sliding her hand into his; letting his motions guide her along.
“Almost, Chance—I swear,” at this he stopped, turned around, and kissed her on the lips. She couldn’t help but beam a smile. After a few more moments, Jake turned the last corner to where he was going.
“Ohh my God! It’s so beautiful!” Chance almost squealed, taken aback by the sheer awesomeness of what she was seeing. A large rock jutted from the mountain, and looking off you could see, in every direction, all the way to the horizon. It felt like the top of the world.
“I found this place a couple of months ago when I came up here for a walk. It’s something isn’t it?” Chance barely heard him talking, her jaw was still hanging open, taking in the scene. Jake took this time to clumsily slide his hand into his pocket, and pull out the ring. When he took her hand, Chance finally turned around. He had never seen her eyes so wide as when he lowered down onto one knee, his hand weakly shaking in hers.
“Chance… will you marry me?” he finally said. Hanging so strong to every breath she took, waiting for something, anything to happen. It only took seconds for her to join him on his knees, an excited “Yes!” slipping out of her mouth, as she kissed him. As she kissed her fiancée. As she kissed the love of her life.
By now, Chance was screaming at the heavens. It didn’t make sense, nothing made sense. Tragedy, comedy, God, the fates—nothing. She was beginning to shake again from the cool of the rain.
They spent the rest of the afternoon on that rock, together. There was no telling how long they were there.
“We probably need to start back before it gets dark,” Jake finally said, taking every ounce of his strength he had to end the moment. To take the first step at turning this day from present to past. On the drive back, they rolled down all the windows in the car, and turned the radio up as loud as it would go. They sang along, together, to every song.
“…and your mother didn’t mind, like I thought she would, and that R.E.M. song was playing in my mind, and three and a half minutes…”
She loved driving his car; it went so fast, it moved so smoothly. She slowly lifted her hands from the steering wheel and let one drift in the wind outside, and with the other she pulled Jake to her to kiss him. The shriek of squealing brakes, the shattering of broken glass, and the scent of burning fuel and rubber were the last things she could remember, until she woke up on the ground, having been thrown by the force. She looked everywhere, but she knew she was lying there alone.
By now the humming under her breath had evolved into singing, as she finally took that final step into the air.
“…felt like a lifetime.”
Posted: 2/22/2006, 11:57 pm
"just count me"
just count me as a throwaway
as I drift into the words
it's nothing but a lullably
that fills this empty room
just count me as a throwaway
as I wander lost for miles
across these ink stained pages
drenched with all these lies
just count me as a throwaway
seems I'm worth much less than that
dear numbers take up fingers
just count me--please, just count me
just count me as a throwaway
as I drift into the words
it's nothing but a lullably
that fills this empty room
just count me as a throwaway
as I wander lost for miles
across these ink stained pages
drenched with all these lies
just count me as a throwaway
seems I'm worth much less than that
dear numbers take up fingers
just count me--please, just count me
Posted: 2/28/2006, 8:50 am
"golden"
golden--
my bare feet
on streets that
shine, like
heaven
I can see
myself
in them,
but all I want
is my reflection
golden--
my bare feet
on streets that
shine, like
heaven
I can see
myself
in them,
but all I want
is my reflection
Posted: 2/28/2006, 10:56 pm
wrote this about today...
"a nod--a gesture"
walking toward the casket,
I don't even know her name
she's the family of an old friend--
old, but still the same
a nod--a gestures--through tears;
not mine: I still can't find a name
so I drop my gaze, amble toward my car--
through the near freezing, winter rain
"a nod--a gesture"
walking toward the casket,
I don't even know her name
she's the family of an old friend--
old, but still the same
a nod--a gestures--through tears;
not mine: I still can't find a name
so I drop my gaze, amble toward my car--
through the near freezing, winter rain
Posted: 3/1/2006, 11:10 am
chilling.
Posted: 3/3/2006, 8:06 am
"singing by"
singing by
an empty lie
bleeding words
this empty life
singing by
a gluttoned know
opinion's full
fill the soul
singing by
the life I see
all above
'tis all in me
singing by
an empty lie
bleeding words
this empty life
singing by
a gluttoned know
opinion's full
fill the soul
singing by
the life I see
all above
'tis all in me
Posted: 3/6/2006, 3:50 pm
I have no idea why I wrote this.
"can you hear?"
can you hear?
can you hear me?
hands held--
tightly,
bruising
the train roars
drowning screams--
whistle rings,
he whistles
cheerily,
to my tears
the tracks empty
me lying,
him walking
just me, our body--
my fear
"can you hear?"
can you hear?
can you hear me?
hands held--
tightly,
bruising
the train roars
drowning screams--
whistle rings,
he whistles
cheerily,
to my tears
the tracks empty
me lying,
him walking
just me, our body--
my fear
Posted: 3/8/2006, 2:09 pm
"me"
and I haven't seen you since
that broken Christmas--
when you and I
lost our eyes
to the idols,
and to the lies
when you walked away,
you didn't know today
would hurt so
much so,
that you couldn't
stand to walk
couldn't stand to talk
to me.
and I haven't seen you since
that broken Christmas--
when you and I
lost our eyes
to the idols,
and to the lies
when you walked away,
you didn't know today
would hurt so
much so,
that you couldn't
stand to walk
couldn't stand to talk
to me.
Posted: 3/20/2006, 1:49 pm
"ink ribbons"
ring the bells and cry the tears
as the end seems to have come
on the heels of inspirations
the old songs too old to hum
quill pens, to just ink ribbons,
looking through fiction, we find only heroes
left with nothing but mere numbers
these ones and zeros, our ones and zeros
it's left in the wings by those before
our innocence dying in fields of rye
and there it sits, for decades now;
as we never took the time to find
...
"I Would Die If I Could See"
I would die if I could see,
but this lethargic
blindness covers me,
until all I know
and all I show
is that I never really could be
all of the things you told me I could be:
a fireman, a poet, a miner,
a lost man just wandering--
wondering why he can't seem
to find some place to be,
some place that feels right
so he can see that he never
really had a chance--
I would die if I could see
ring the bells and cry the tears
as the end seems to have come
on the heels of inspirations
the old songs too old to hum
quill pens, to just ink ribbons,
looking through fiction, we find only heroes
left with nothing but mere numbers
these ones and zeros, our ones and zeros
it's left in the wings by those before
our innocence dying in fields of rye
and there it sits, for decades now;
as we never took the time to find
...
"I Would Die If I Could See"
I would die if I could see,
but this lethargic
blindness covers me,
until all I know
and all I show
is that I never really could be
all of the things you told me I could be:
a fireman, a poet, a miner,
a lost man just wandering--
wondering why he can't seem
to find some place to be,
some place that feels right
so he can see that he never
really had a chance--
I would die if I could see
Posted: 3/22/2006, 2:19 pm
"whose bones are now this dust"
insispid meanderings:
as The Passing of Arthur
has slipped down the way--
oblivion and fog
from Latin to languid
English to anguish--
scrolls turn to binding,
books rot as film
The Lady's boat
has sank long ago
as Shalot is left to wonder
whose bones are now this dust
just the siren's wail
echoes so truthfully
it's all that's left to hear
as a million tongues babel
Rome to the isles
the isles to the heart;
just a spinning game
with changing casts
insispid meanderings:
as The Passing of Arthur
has slipped down the way--
oblivion and fog
from Latin to languid
English to anguish--
scrolls turn to binding,
books rot as film
The Lady's boat
has sank long ago
as Shalot is left to wonder
whose bones are now this dust
just the siren's wail
echoes so truthfully
it's all that's left to hear
as a million tongues babel
Rome to the isles
the isles to the heart;
just a spinning game
with changing casts
Posted: 4/3/2006, 11:40 pm
I likey...
"do not cry for me"
do not cry for me
as your tears would go unseen
raindrops full of empathy
from pools of blue and green
do not cry for me
as it's more than I should gleam
my gold coin just out of reach
to pay this pennance that I reap
and do not cry for me
as the past ain't what it seems
stories told, almost believed
but now just me--
and the truths I've sewn, between these seas
Posted: 4/23/2006, 9:28 pm
To do something constructive. What really constitutes being “constructive?” It can drive you utterly mad some days trying to figure it out. Sitting there with that longing, that inherent emptiness coursing through your veins is almost too much. Should you be working some dead-end job that you hate, dreading more and more and more to go into it day in and day out until it finally sets in, and you finally are forced to realize that this is, indeed, your life? Or, should you just amble on, with no fixed plan or orbit, until you somehow find yourself at the end of your days looking back on all you’ve seen wondering if, yes, this is all you’ve done. You’ve seen all the things you’ve seen only to die alone, with nothing but those echoes of times, and faded black-and-white memories, slipping through your mind.
Posted: 5/10/2006, 8:25 am
so I fall into my poetry
I forget you, you forget me
I'll blind myself when I can't see
you're killing me,
ohh, you're killing me gently
Posted: 9/1/2006, 10:37 pm
I finally started writing again. It came out a little political...
"Helen"
"the face that launched a thousand ships",
ages ago, for honor, for valor--
but mostly for her sweet lips
it began by the judgement of Paris,
but the Helen of my age is not the same--
it started with death, that grey eleventh
ships of men, replaced by men with guns,
honor and valor are far from my Helen,
replaced with grudges, passed from fathers, to sons
ten years for the walls of Troy to fall,
but the hearts of Baghdad stand taller still--
yet so he says: "we're in it, in it for the haul".
Sigh.
"Helen"
"the face that launched a thousand ships",
ages ago, for honor, for valor--
but mostly for her sweet lips
it began by the judgement of Paris,
but the Helen of my age is not the same--
it started with death, that grey eleventh
ships of men, replaced by men with guns,
honor and valor are far from my Helen,
replaced with grudges, passed from fathers, to sons
ten years for the walls of Troy to fall,
but the hearts of Baghdad stand taller still--
yet so he says: "we're in it, in it for the haul".
Sigh.
Posted: 11/3/2006, 10:45 am
My triumphant return! I haven't written poetry in months, but this came pouring out yesterday. Go figure...
"my hemlock end"
a kingdom where
the fools are king
is where I've lived
my life it seems
a parliament
of empty heads
bowing to that jester--
I'd stand, instead
draining my inkwell
with these letters to send
and all that's left, to look ahead
on to my hemlock end
...
"weekends"
living in the burroughs
but weekends in New York
home enough, not home for me,
eyes on Manhattan lore
these bright lights
they draw me out
all night, at time it seems
but my burrough home, so lone and grey
is still where I write my dreams
"my hemlock end"
a kingdom where
the fools are king
is where I've lived
my life it seems
a parliament
of empty heads
bowing to that jester--
I'd stand, instead
draining my inkwell
with these letters to send
and all that's left, to look ahead
on to my hemlock end
...
"weekends"
living in the burroughs
but weekends in New York
home enough, not home for me,
eyes on Manhattan lore
these bright lights
they draw me out
all night, at time it seems
but my burrough home, so lone and grey
is still where I write my dreams