ClumsyMonkey.net

I'll give you my advice. I've had my boyfriend, who lives in Cleveland, stick by my side for 2 years now. We talk on AIM and on the phone, at least 2 times a week. I only get to see him on weekends during our camping season (apr. 15 to oct 15) and even so often we'll visit each other for a weekend. At the end of the summer, its so hard to leave him for 6 months and he thinks so too.


its rough. and I admit that I'm not 100% committed to him. I've been harmless flirting, but I still love him so much and i would never want anyone else.

i just wanna let you know, if me, and i get depressed so easily, can love my boyfriend while not seeing him for months at a clip. You can do this. Just hang in there. It'll feel so much better when you see her again.

Yeah trent, you and your boyfriend will work out long distance, don't worry!

Lando wrote:Yeah trent, you and your boyfriend will work out long distance, don't worry!

Just so long as he doesn't find out I'm macking Lando on the side!

i am SO gla dthere is a confusion thread here.

nobody in this world can be as confused as me right not. and u want to know why? there is nothing more confusing in the world than an arranged marriage!

ok. so its not what you EXPECT an arranged marriage to be: i've met the guy, twice. my parents aren't locking me in any bedrooms and forcing me to marry him or anthing. free will all the way.

the thing is, everyone has these "guidelines" like...things they look for in a mate. and if he was going to be my boyfriend, id be like "ok whatever..." but this is the man i'm going to MARRY! after him, there is nobody else. even if i meet a realllllly hot guy that fits my every requirement, it doesnt MATTER. because i am--or will be----totallly off the market. i dont know if THATS whats scaring me or if i'm actually having valid issues that have nothing to do with the fear of "this is the last guy ever. ever. ever." (oh my god. ever is so long)

but any way...so i am not that picky! i dont even demand a hot guy. it'd be nice, but there is one thing that REALLY attracts me in a guy and it has nothing to do with his face. it's RELIGION. i dont care if he looks like a dog, but if i meet a religious guy, i am in love. this guy is not really good looking...hesa super nice guy. hes REALLY caring and i am SURE he'd make a good husband and probably worship the ground i walk on(i can tell by the way he looks at me. girls can tell these things.) As far as religion is ocncerned, he's not like, satan or anything. I guess Ihave a different idea of what "religious" is. My parents seem to think that being pakistani and muslim by name is enough. I tend to disagree.

i have only liked 2 guys since i was 16 yrs old. in both instances, i fell in love with their islam first. like, the fact that they were religious is what made me like them. and not psycho-terrorist religious. like, REAL islam religious. like me. the problem is, when you tell someone you want a religious guy, chances are, you end up with some crazed lunatic that thinks music and dancing is a sin. the kind of guy i want is VERY hard to come by.

that said, i am 2 inches away from setting a formal date for our wedding or whatever it is that will be happening. I'm having SO many doubts. this guy is NOT what i want rleigiously, but hes educated and soo caring. andddd i really want to move to dubai, and its so weird but he applied for jobs there even though he has NO idea i want to live there.

if i break this off, what if i never find anyone that is willing to move to dubai? and someone that has all his qualities PLUS religion? and if i dont break it off and it gets finalized(in apx 3 days) what if i meet someone 2 weeks from now that is everything i ocould have ever wished for? im so CONFUSED! my mom says i can encourage him toward religion and its not like he's a bad guy and bla bla bla. but its like...its not the SAME if i have to TELL him to do it. i want it to be in his heart.

ahhh. advice! PLEASE!!!

oh, and as far as long distance relationships go: its good as long as one or both parties arent a bastard.

in my case, it was on the other side of the world. u know how there are guys that are CRAZY about you when you're infront of them but as soon as you're gone, theyre eyes start wandering? well, yeah. thats what he was. he followed me around like a puppy while iw as there and then 3 months after i got back, it was like...oh god. i wont even get into it! it ended in him getting engaged(to a girl that lives 10 minutes away. always around. get it?) and its so funny because its been 4 yrs since theyve been engaged now and i was in paksiatn on vacation and she was in america on vacation(she was here, i was there--HE was there) and he is such a WHORE dude!!! he used to like, STARE at me soooo much! my mom was like "why is he such a slut. why cant he make up his mind!" like...whoever is infront of his eyes is the person he wants. he used to WATCH me through glass doors! oh my god. hes such a whore.

but yeah...u dont seem like a whore. or a bastard. you seem like you genuinelyw antit to work. and if thats teh case, there is no reason it shouldnt. when everyone is behaving themselves, absence really DOES make the heart grow fonder.

ahhh you are brave. i'm still trying to skirt the whole marriage issue. i'm so not ready for it. but, well, i've got a year left of my degree, and i'm moving to wolfsville nova scotia next year, so my mom's starting to drop hints. i wouldn't be surprised if she's already started picking guys out. i guess it doesn't help that everyone my age is starting to get there too. a girl i knew in saskatoon who's a year younger than me is already engaged and is getting married this summer. she's only 20 for cripes sake! and her sister got married a few years ago, when she was 19. i couldn't do that.

for my parents, a bare minimum is Muslim. although the generic guy would be Muslim and Pakistani and Punjabi. my mom's got this thing in her head that i should marry a doctor directly from Pakistan. I, on the other hand, don't care too much about whether he's a doctor or not. and i want someone who's lived in canada for a while. cuz, see, i've lived in pakistan for 10 years, and i know the general perception that pakistani men have of women, as delicate, fragile little things whose main role in life is to be a wife and a mother and take care of the womany stuff like housekeeping as such and always listen to their husbands. i couldn't stand it. i'd probably suffocate. and i love pakistan, but i like living here, and i don't want to go back to pakistan to live. so i want someone who's lived in canada and knows how things work here. but preferrably someone who can speak urdu.

i so get what you mean by the religion thing. religion's also important for me. living in canada, away from the motherland and in a country where your religion is a minority, i know how important it is for kids to have a complete knowledge of their religion and background, and know what sets them apart from everyone else. i don't want my kids to grow up to become, well, white. i want them to have respect for their religion and their heritage, and hopefully be able to speak urdu. but not some crazed molwi who thinks everything that has to do with fun is haraam.

so there's my dilemma. well, benign dilemma, it doesn't worry me too much right now. it looks like there's going to be some interesting discussions once the time comes, though. obviously my parents aren't going to chain me to a post and force me to marry someone i don't agree too.

as for your dilemma, honestly, i realize that the issue of love is a little compromised when your dealing with rishtas, but you shouldn't be marrying someone just because if you do you could live in dubai. i get why you'd want to, how could anyone not if they've been there? but if you marry the guy just because of that, and find out later you don't like him much, it's going to make you very unhappy even if you are living in dubai. and if you're worried that you might meet someone after this one's finalized and everything, don't. don't worry about it now anyway. if it happens, worry about it then. but if you really want to marry this guy then you shouldn't break it off just because "you might meet someone later." err, i realize this is slightly contradictory advice, but take what you want out of it. good luck!

dude, i would re-think the ideas you have of pakistani guys. i have seen both pakistani and american-raised guys close up(not that ive had relationships with them haha. just seen them!) but yeah..every man in the world is the SAME! i'm not even exaggerating...if you bring a guy from africa, he's going to be the sammmme thing as a guy from new york. the difference in how they end up treating their wives is NOT where they were raised, its how the WOMAN allows them to treat her!

usually, an american raised guy will marry and american raised girl and so when you see him treating her as an equal, you assume its because he was raised in america. so not true. i have seen pakistani-raised guys terat their wives as equals. and the reason is, the woman doesnt take any shit. Usually, the girl raised in america will have a degree and therefore, the man knows she's not dependent on him. She can walk out whenevr she pleases, because she can support herself. Most girls in Pakistan don't care too much about degrees and being independent(although thats changing now) and so the guy knowa "so what if i act like a jerk? where is SHE going?"

also, here is an example of a couple from america: teh guy was born and raised here, the girl moved here at the age of 5. she has a bachelors degee and he is a surgeon. when they first got married, they were total equals. she was working and he was working, an dthe power was balanced equally between the two. then they decided to have a baby so the woman decided to stop working and got pregnant. as soon as she had the baby, she said she felt the power shift. because now she had his child---and subconsciously he KNOWS she is less likely to leave now. its not that this guy is a jerk, hes a REALLY nice guy! but this is how men are. all of them. from any corner of the world. once she started staying at home and taking care of the baby and doing "housewife" things, she complains that he acts like her only role in teh world is to make his life easier.

so you see...this whole thing you think is a "pakistani mentality" is just MALE mentality. Every married woman i've ever talked to says the same thing, regardless of where her husband was raised.

and hahah, i think i am not explaining right. its not that i want to marry the guy BECAUSE he's going to live in dubai. thats just one of his qualities that I'm scared I wont find in anyone else. I wouldnt marry anyone SOLELY based on where he was going to live. He has a good nature. in my opinion, you should go on PERMANENT things, not temporary things. Like, yes, yous hould be attracted to your spouse, but seriously, if you look at 2 married ocupled after theyve been married 4 or 5 years, you don't say "this guy is a batter husband than the other guy because he's better looking" you judge them based on how they are iwth their wives andhow successful they are. My mom has 2 sisters. the younger one is married to a good looking man, while the older one is married to like...oh god. he is NOT AT ALLLLL attractive. from ANY angle! they're both reallly rich. and when i compare the two husbands, i would rather have a husband like my older aunt...because the younger one has had her wrist broken from beatings. and he tortures her in these weird ways like "when i left the house there were 12 eggs. why are there only 9 now?" her life is like a living hell. so where did that good looking husband get her? it's more important to look at the guy's nature. You can marry the hottest guy in the world and if he doesnt treat you well, youw ont find him attractive. Whereas, you can also marry the ugliest man on the planet(like my aunt ehhehe) and if he treats you well, he will be the most beautiful person to you. Another owman i know that is married to a GORGEOUSSSSS guywas telling me "trust me. looks mean 0 in a man!" so yeah...i would LOVE to have a hot guy, but the hotness will only count while we're engaged and he is a piece of meat to show off to my friends. when you enter practical life, his looks ownt mean anything. and engagement prd. is only like, 2 years! practical life is like, 65!!

my confusion comes from the fact that he is not what i wanted religiously. and im scared i'll never be able to stop wondering "what if..." and wantign to marry him comes from the fact that he's really thoughtful. like, its little htings that a person doesnt KNOW make a difference--for example, his aunt works really hard and hsi semester ended and he's on vacation so he called her and was like "you rest. go to pakistan. ill take care of everything for you" and ist like..which 20-something year old does that?! like, he's giving up his own vacation and his own time to relax to go and take care of his aunt's business. little gestures like these really show what kind of a person u are. but thennn...ahhh. i dont know! he's not what i wanted!!!! i am so confused!! an dthe ocnfusion only gets worse! and then ill be ready to say im not doing it, but then i start thinking what if id ont find another guy thats caring like him? and as educated as him? and all thsi other stuff. like, what if i trade the good nature in for good looks? and what if i trade dubai in for religious? and i just REALLLLY want to live in a muslim country! its as important to me as having a religious guy! blah. i dont know.

life sucks.

trentm32 wrote: With all I've learned from Reno, I've taken him under my wing the best I can

Toot...A 2003 Graduate of Reno-Rico University

i agree with you in that men act the way women allow them to treat them, but i believe it's also a matter of upbringing. most pakistani guys around these days in pakistan have been raised up by women who let men dominate them, who think that men should have the right to dominate. it influences the way the guys act around women. they're all like, "oh, i'm the head of the house because that's the way it's supposed to be." i do agree that women can change that. my mom lets my dad be like that and it frustrates me so much. even if she dislikes the way he does something, she won't say anything because "he has the right to do what he wants." it makes me want to yell at her to go and fix the problem with my dad instead of sitting there and complaining. i just would like to end up with someone who treats me right because he respects me as an individual, not because i force him to.

and good Lord the last thing i want to do is marry someone who was completely raised here. all those qualities i want, religiousness, respect of heritage, even speaking urdu, you'd be hard put to find someone like that who was raised here. those kind of guys are fine with their gories, if that's who they want to be with. i just said i'd like someone who had lived here for a while. the qualities i'm looking for, you really can only find in someone who's lived in a muslim country, or a large muslim community.

i know you don't want to marry this going only because he lives in dubai, but it's a fair bit of the reason, no? definitely, though, looks should be the last thing you should consider in a guy. respect and niceness >> hotness.

well, i guess all i can say is that if you have doubts, and you don't want to marry the guy just yet and you don't want to lose him, wait on it. i wouldn't start finalizing marriage plans just yet. you shouldn't rush into it if you have doubts, because you might discover too late that your doubts weren't unfounded. wait until you either find the guy that has all the qualities you want, or until you're sure that you're not going to find anyone better than this guy.

slipped

wow. we are EXACTLY the same when it ocmes to what we want. i cant stand the guys raised here either! i would have NOTHING in common with them! i just dont like the way they are! i am happy with my FOBs. i like guys that were RAISED in pakistan but went to college here, so that they have two different perspectives, which i think is what you mean also. This guy is like that. His family is in pakistan, but he went to clg in canada. Thats another thing I like in him. Most people that are in america, when you trace their family back---maybe this is snotty to say, but their family background isnt all that great and these things DO count. i mean, you class determines how you think. if someone is from a ifferent social class, it is VERY hard to make it work because you have such totalllly different views on the world and on whats important. The majority of rishtas you find in america, even if the guy is really well educated, his family is kind of not so great class-wise. Everyone that is from the same social-class as my family is still in pakistan. because lets face it: if you have money, why would you EVER leave?! if you have money in pakistan, your life is set. its very rare that a well-off family will leave and settle outside of pakistan. His family is from the same social class.

and yeah, i do agree it ha sto do with your upbringing also. I mean, i guess thats where "class" comes in. if you go into a naukar-class family, then yeah, no matter how you react to the man, he will be a jerk. but if you go into upper class/high society, its different.

if i could put this off for a while, it would be PERFECT. buti cant. i HAVE to say either yes or no. i cant be like "ill get back to you" hahaha.

This confuses me because I have a friend whose family moved here from Pakistan and I have always gotten the distinct impression that they were in a much higher class and income bracket there than they are here (middle-ish class). I never really understood it.

I've never been exposed to any individuals who are to be part of an arranged marriage. It's very interesting to read the opinions you guys have of it, as well as what you want in your marriages and personal lives. Good stuff.

happeningfish wrote:This confuses me because I have a friend whose family moved here from Pakistan and I have always gotten the distinct impression that they were in a much higher class and income bracket there than they are here (middle-ish class). I never really understood it.

yeah, and your friend probably is. its really RARE that upper class ppl will leave pakistan though. My entire family is so ridiculously rich that it makes my head spin--and i've also considered slapping my parents for bringing me here. if you have money, there is no place better than pakistan. the lifestyle..oh man. but yeah..some people leave to give their parents a better education. my parents never wanted to send us off across teh world, so they basically just moved here when we were young so that we oculd get the education they wanted, without worrying about us being on the other side of the world. Now that we're all grown up though, my dad si working on going back over there. Like, he started a business in dubai and is planning on moving to Dubai within the next 5 yrs.

my prediction: 5 yrs from now, dubai will be the place to live. theyre building teh worlds largest shopping mall...this mall has 8 ski slopes IN it! one of hwich is a 400 foot drop. this is in a mall---in a s DESERT! and theyre building an underwater hotel, which si supposed to be done by september. then, there are teh world islands. rod stuart or someone bought great brittan for 32 million! they made a little "world" of islands off teh coast. all teh ocntinents are islands. its hot. dubai is awesome. ahh i love dubai.

same story with abu dhabi. the whole city makes us look like a bunch of primitives.

i think most people don't realize how well they've got it made in pakistan. the west, to them, is like the land of streets paved with gold. everyone there is all impressed when you tell them you live in canada.

my parents moved us here for a better education. my dad had gotten his PhD here, when we were born, so this was the first choice. but i went to pakistan last year and couldn't understand for the life of me why we moved. everyone there lives just fine. well, i guess i'm sort of biased cuz everywhere i go there's people that like me. my whole extended family lives there.

xjsb125 wrote:I've never been exposed to any individuals who are to be part of an arranged marriage.

are you serious.

Yeah. It's extremely uncommon in the area I live in. I can honestly never remember meeting anyone who had their marriage arranged for them by their parents. I was aware that it still took place, but I've never known anyone who was part of it.

Hope wrote:

xjsb125 wrote:I've never been exposed to any individuals who are to be part of an arranged marriage.

are you serious.

I don't know anyone in an arranged marriage either.

Me neither

Or I!


But I live on an island....we're a little isolated.

Technically I lived on an island. the eastern half of the Niagara Region is completely surronded by water.