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A pop-up book of flowers from grade 4 are driving her insane...

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Postby beautiful liar » 10/12/2005, 1:30 am

so i wrote this for a contest coming up for our school's newspaper. the subject is the colour blue. please critique. this is just a first draft, and input would be adored. thanks!

...


You blessed me with the colour blue. The first time I fell into your sky strung eyes, I was engulfed by a rolling wave that started somewhere above me and crashed down, soaking me through in an instant. Of course, on that day when we sat eating pizza and discussing music, I didn’t tell you that my heart was yours. I waited half a year to do that.

Time moves in different ways; it plods through school hour by hour, but races through weeks that feel very much the same. Christmas arrived. That garish time of year when one can’t help but feel cold and alone when faced with a world full of shrink-wrapped cheer. It was time to take a chance. I gave you a mix cd. The next day you returned in kind. Morrison crooned through my speakers: come on, baby, take a chance with us and get on the back of the blue bus.

I was aboard. Hazy music-filled nights with you, that peacock-coloured cookie bag the unmistakable lure I could always use. You can catch most fish with worms, bait a bird with breadcrumbs, but I wooed you with Oreos.

Time: and the hours with you flew by, the days without you stretched out like elastic as I checked and double checked the clock, knowing full well what time you’d be home at. I knew your schedule intimately. After you got home, I suggested going to the woods: I’ve got the Oreos if you want to go.

You were wearing the sweater I love; the speckled one of that sharp cornflower shade. You told me it was made of organic wool, man. You said it made you feel like a hippy. You resembled one, tall and lanky with unkempt hair and a laid back demeanour that radiated mellowness. The azure of the day turned into the navy of night, as we sat and watched the river. Well, maybe you watched the river – my eyes were for you. Quick, timid, unexpected came your kiss. My heart leaped. I could see the ocean of my eyes reflected in the sky of yours – endless shades of blue.

And soon, time pressed against us. The city called me away. It was the last date. You gave me a gift. The electric sweater unwashed and smelling of you. Unwashed, I wore it, buried myself in it on those lonely nights indoors when I could still feel the coarseness of your wild mane under my fingers, feel the press of your body against mine, the beat of your heart next to my ear as we lay so many times staring at the stars and speaking of infinity.

Nature’s first green may shine golden, but love’s first blossom is blue. But hues fade away. The sweater grew mould, so I washed it. It paled, and as the echoes in my heart multiplied, you closed yourself off. You never wanted a relationship, you say. You never wanted the pain. I know different. I know that the wild deer, grown accustomed to my presence, will rapidly become distant again after time elapses. Wild things can’t wait. They must do as their instinct bides.

You grow distant. I wait for those cherished conversations that opportunity allows, but time and space conspire against us. Communication status: infrequent. Loneliness: growing. Misery becoming unbearable. You are having a hard time adjusting to your new life. The job, the strangers, the pressure, the conformity. Blue-collared and bruised, your lion’s mane shorn, your cage became noticeable.

And you sent me another song. This time a Blind Melon number.

“I’ll push away those baby blues, because one of these days this will die. And so will me, and so will you.”

But when I got on the bus, I knew there was no getting off. Keep pushing, if you have to. I can’t see your eyes from here, but mine are becoming obscured by tears.

I sit here in my jeans, and a ratty sweater that someone gave to me once. And that I continue to wear every day, although I know even the brightest blue fades eventually. After all, it’s not the colour I’m in love with. It’s you; wild, flighty, organic you.
Last edited by beautiful liar on 12/21/2005, 12:51 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Postby clumsychild_ » 10/12/2005, 4:20 am

:love:

I'm a terrible critic, you know that.
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Postby happening fish » 10/12/2005, 11:03 am

You've got some really incredible stuff in there. Only thing I can say is there's some cursory editing to be done in terms of spelling and structure, and also maybe work on making the "blue" references more subtle- for example, I liked it when you slid in azure and navy instead.
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Postby beautiful liar » 10/12/2005, 12:45 pm

thanks alex. point well taken :nod:


*edited*
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Postby Rusty » 10/12/2005, 6:42 pm

Claire, you write so well. I love that piece. I have nothing to critique on it, it's beyond my skill to judge.

Queens Of The Stone Age-Someone's In The Wolf

Once you're lost in twillights's blue
You don't find your way, the way finds you...

Tempt the fates, beware the smile
It hides all the teeth, my dear,
What's behind them...

So glad you could stay
Forever

He steps between the trees, a crooked man
There's blood on the blade
Don't take his hand

You warm by the firelight, in twilight's blue
Shadows creep & dance the walls
He's creeping too..

So glad you could stay
Forever


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Postby trentm32 » 10/13/2005, 1:23 pm

holy crap that's AMAZING!
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.

<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
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Postby beautiful liar » 10/13/2005, 10:46 pm

:oops: thanks so much.

we find out the winner on tuesday. cross your fingers for me.
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Postby happening fish » 10/14/2005, 12:23 pm

you'll win.
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Postby half jill » 10/14/2005, 2:16 pm

:love:
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Postby beautiful liar » 10/17/2005, 1:56 pm

i lost. out of 12 entries, there were 3 places and 2 honorable mentions.

i must admit, i'm a little disappointed. i honestly feel that my story was better than at least 2 of the poems that got published.

oh well.
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Postby Joe Cooler » 10/17/2005, 2:01 pm

I loved it.
Did you at least get a honorable mention?
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Postby beautiful liar » 10/17/2005, 2:03 pm

nope. nothing.

and thank you
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Postby happening fish » 10/17/2005, 3:01 pm

wow. high schools blow.
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Postby Rusty » 10/17/2005, 6:45 pm

You lost?!?! :wtf:

Queens Of The Stone Age-Someone's In The Wolf

Once you're lost in twillights's blue
You don't find your way, the way finds you...

Tempt the fates, beware the smile
It hides all the teeth, my dear,
What's behind them...

So glad you could stay
Forever

He steps between the trees, a crooked man
There's blood on the blade
Don't take his hand

You warm by the firelight, in twilight's blue
Shadows creep & dance the walls
He's creeping too..

So glad you could stay
Forever


Image <----------------- click and listen!
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Postby beautiful liar » 10/17/2005, 10:34 pm

i'm in university alex, at glendon college.

and yes russell, i lost.
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Postby happening fish » 10/17/2005, 10:38 pm

oh, yeah, universities blow too. you should see some of the shit that gets published in our poetry mag
awkward is the new cool
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Postby beautiful liar » 10/17/2005, 10:49 pm

hmm. i propose we start our own publication. :nod: clearly this is the only feasible way to combat blowing universities.

a cm literary journal anyone?
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Postby happening fish » 10/17/2005, 11:30 pm

yes please
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Postby beautiful liar » 10/18/2005, 12:01 am

we should compile things. take submissions and such. then put them in print. and distribute, in places, to people.

hmmm. i actually really want to start this. *ponders how to go about it*
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Postby happening fish » 10/18/2005, 12:05 am

wow. me too. i should ask around for people with connections...
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