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Five year relationship just ended

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Five year relationship just ended

Postby Dick_Baxter » 1/11/2010, 7:03 am

hey everyone,
i'm very new here and just wanted to tell my story, i've been very depressed over this weekend starting Saturday night when my relationship of almost five years came to an abrupt end or hold. I'm so numb and it's sinking in that i will not be seeing her at all and it hurts like hell.

we were going to get engaged this summer after she finished school. we had just gotten back from vacation last saturday. i took her to arizona for a week and felt that something was off the entire time, it's like we never really talked and that we were not together at all. On new years eve we had a conversation at dinner about our impending engagement and i asked her if she was still up for the engagment and she said she was getting cold feet and was asking how do you really know if you're the one, etc. I was like you never really know anything in life but you have to give it a shot and take a chance somewhere.
fast forward to last sunday, we were back and had dinner at her parents house, after dinner her mother said "so what makes you guys want to be together?" (there was no malicious intent here, just friendly chatter) and my gf didn't have a response, i didn't either but i thought it was a loaded question and very on the spot, you don't have to have a laundry list of reaons why you are with someone or love someone, at least i don't think, it's a feeling for me.

i didn't see her all week and everything sounded fine from our conversations and texts, we usually only saw each other on weekends anyways, i work full time and am in school online and our weekends we spend together. well saturday she was supposed to stay over and i had called her saturday afternoon and was asking "are you going to stay over tonight" she responded with "we'll talk about that when i get there". This set off alarm bells with me and i immediately called my friend and told him i might need his support later and if he could make himself available. i then proceeded to talk with my brother about the situation before i met her. my brother gave me a great pep talk and asked me if i was truly happy in the relationship and that if she really complimented me. Now i have been a lifechanging person to her, i set her on the path to straight and narrow and she really has changed because of me for the better (not taking all the credit but i was a major influence in her life for the positive). My brother said that we don't really have any of the same interests and that i'm just comfortable with her, and the more i thought about this the more i realized that it was true. I have passions for movies and music and real interests, she doesn't seem to be into that at all, which is fine, but our interests don't intersect at all.

Two summers ago right before she graduated, she pulled something like this before, she didn't know what she wanted to do and needed to find herself and be on her own and it killed me and i was so depressed because i didn't see it coming at all. Well i sat around for 3 months and waited for her, and she did come back and it was amazing and it was the greatest time for me.
Fast forward to this saturday, i get to my place, she meets me there and i could tell right away that she had been crying. She came in and said that she had doubts about our relationship and that she needs to be independent and be on her own and that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now and shes not ready for that commitment. she said she needs a year to herself and that i shouldn't wait for her, she was crying the entire time and said that she's not looking for anyone else that she has a lot of issues to work out for herself and that she needs to be able to do things for herself, she said that we'll meet up in a year for coffee and see what happens then. i told her that she can't keep doing this to me, and that i might not be available in the future.

i love this girl and i was going to propose this summer and want to spend the rest of my life with her. my brain tells me that this is the best thing that could possibly happen, before i bought a ring, before we were engaged or even married and then something like this happens, but my heart is shattered and i'm very numb. i put all our pictures in the back of my closet and anything that reminded me of her there. then after i got home last night from my parents on my door was a bag with the key to my parents house and a note from her mother saying how sorry she was and that i was part of their family and that she was grateful for me for protecting and caring and loving their daughter for all these years. i had expected something of this nature from her mother, but i broke down again when i read this, i put this back in my closet as well. i then went to my parents house and watched king of queens with my brother and father. after i talked with my brother for a good while at which he said that this was a great thing to happen now while i'm in my mid twenties, have a great job and am a great guy, this sums up what all of my friends are saying, and that i deserve so much better, someone who really appreciates me for me and wants to be with me and be affectionate and caring. Not that she wasn't but she was a very unaffectionate person and cold at times.

the hardest part for me is the nights, i'm going to miss her like hell at night, we always talked everynight and saw her on the weekends. i'm going to start living my life and finding out what i want, but i really thought that we were going to end up together and we still might, who knows what happens in a year but i'm not going to sit around and wait for her either. i think i'm a great guy,with a good job and i'm a very caring and loving person. i'm going to take this time to look around and possibly date a few other people and see what i really like and who knows if in a year goes by and she has worked out her issues and i still feel the same way, who knows. i did spend 4 and half years with her for a reason.

any of your thoughts are welcome and will go towards helping me sleep at night. i know i'm new here but everything i read on CM shows that you all are great and caring people as well and i'm hoping you will take me under your wings . . .
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Postby faninor » 1/11/2010, 8:16 am

Aww, that is a bummer!

It sounds like you have a good support system with your brother and friends. Talking with them was and will continue to be a good move on your part.

Just keep in mind what you said, better that this has happened now than later down the line. Over time the nights will grow easier. I think you should do as planned -- live your life and find out what you want. When the time's right you'll find yourself in a well balanced relationship.

Also, when that time comes keep the question, "what makes you want to be together?" in mind. Sure, you don't need a laundry list but there is probably a reason why you come to love somebody and it may benefit any relationship to understand its foundations. Plus, I think that question is in the dating handbook for girls and if we can't answer we're up shit creek.
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Postby Dick_Baxter » 1/11/2010, 9:11 am

Thank you faninor for the kind words and support.

I will find solace with friends and family and will grow to find what I want out of life. It's just hitting me that i'm not going to see her or talk to her, i try not to think about it and my friends are all taking me out this weekend so that will be helpful definately.

School starts up on wednesday so that will be a distraction too but i feel that i will be reminded of her because we always studied together on the weekends.

After this course is done i'm going to montreal to see OLP twice and after that i'm going to a Texas Horror Convention and then i'm going tornado chasing, none of these trips involved her at all so i have plenty of things to look forward too.

i look forward to meeting a lot of new people and expanding my horizons and to further find myself too. thank you
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Postby Carson79 » 1/11/2010, 9:57 am

I'm sorry but I think it is best now than a couple years down the line when you are actually married. What she is telling you could very well be the truth but it also may just be her way out.

I would take this "year" that she needs and do as you please, search out what you want for yourself. Maybe you will discover that the relationship isn't everything you want either. I firmly believe that in order for a relationship to work the timing for both people is the most important thing (which is why most people don't marry the person they dated when they were 14.)

After a year if she comes back and wants a relationship, then you will have an extra year of life and dating experiences behind you that will help you make an informed decision.

Everyone will likely say it (because its true), but it will get easier with time even if it doesn't seem that way now.
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Postby Dick_Baxter » 1/11/2010, 2:47 pm

Thank you for the kind and insightful responses. I really appreciate it.
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Postby saman » 1/11/2010, 3:33 pm

that really does suck. i'm really sorry about your pain, and hope you can feel better soon. i agree with josh, it sounds like you have a great support system, and it's great that you've got activities lined up to keep you occupied, rather than being alone and mopey.

i won't say anything bad about the girl, because i think it's good that she said something about it instead of committing to a bigger step and making herself and you unhappy in the relationship. just give yourself some time. it's a great healer. though i don't think you should force yourself to start dating until you feel ready.

and who knows, maybe she'll realize what she left behind and come back to you. if not, i guess it's her loss. oh, also, welcome :)
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Postby half jill » 1/11/2010, 9:29 pm

i can definitely relate. i've been with my current boyfriend for a bit over 2 years now, but last march things got really rocky. we never fought or anything, he was just really unsure about things. (among other things..long story) he was halfway through university and this was his first serious relationship (for me as well) so he was starting to freak out a bit.

we broke up in april, i ended up in the hospital & i didn't think i'd be able to deal with that feeling everyday. i went to my parents house for the summer and worked 60+ hours a week to distract myself. i started to worry that i just missed him because i was comfortable being with him. we didn't talk for the whole summer. i met a few guys here and there but it just wasn't the same. he messaged me the end of august & it was really awkward at first but we started to gradually hang out again in september. it was like we never broke up.

but i think the break was a good thing. our relationship is better than ever now. we just needed to clear our heads.

anyways, what i'm trying to get at is...i know it's gonna suck for a while. but i think it's important to look ahead. just because your girlfriend is not around right now, doesn't mean she'll be gone forever. if it's meant to work out, it will. you had a really long relationship with this person, so you obviously had a strong connection with her. just go out and have fun..try not to think about it..and things will fall into place.

sorry for writing a novel.
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Postby Dick_Baxter » 1/12/2010, 9:49 am

thanks saman for the kinds words and welcome.

jill i have been through what you described before, same exact thing, didn't talk entire summer and got back as if nothing ever happened, then this happens a year and a half later.

she has a lot of emotional baggage that i only recently learned about in the last few weeks, so she has a lot of things to work out and she needs to figure that out on her own.

if we ever get back i believe it will be for the best and like you said if it's meant to work out it will, i'm truly believe that, and everything certainly happens for a reason.

thank you very much for your words of encouragement :)
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Postby Dick_Baxter » 1/18/2010, 4:33 pm

It's been over a week since the initial breakup. I've spent countless hours with friends and am contemplating sleeping at my parents again tonight. The other nights i've spent at my place with friends, i've yet to sleep there alone, i'm deeply depressed still.

The distractions have helped, i've built an entire recording studio in my basement this week, recorded one song with a friend and want to record 13 more, i bought a playstation3 in the hopes that it would distract me, my living room is in a shambles but my mother came over today to help clean out my closets, i brought a bunch of clothes to the good will, i made a donation to the red cross for tha haiti disaster.

i wrote my love a letter telling her that i understand she needs more time to herself and that i will always love her and told her that that fire will never burn out.

i started school and i'm finishing up my homework right now and i have work tomorrow and the weekends can't come fast enough.

the nights are the worst, this is the first night i might face being alone alone, i'm not sure if i'm staying at my parents yet because i want to do some more recording, all this driving back and forth is making me weary and i'm not sure what to do.

time heals but i cannot fast forward to next year . . .
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Postby Johnny » 1/25/2010, 7:43 pm

Good god, this board feels like an episode of dawson's creek.
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Postby Neil » 1/27/2010, 8:48 am

Johnny wrote:Good god, this board feels like an episode of dawson's creek.



Agreed... only there's no woman bed-hopping like Joey Potter. Maybe there should be!
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Postby Johnny » 1/27/2010, 10:37 am

And we need one of us to hook up with a hot milf teacher. I volunteer for this duty.
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Postby Neil » 1/27/2010, 3:25 pm

I already did that. Wait.. she wasn't a teacher. She was a secretary. Oops.
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Postby Johnny » 1/27/2010, 5:27 pm

Alas, that doesn't count. It had to be a hot milf english teacher. :nod:
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Postby WrldsaSubway » 1/28/2010, 12:20 am

:roll: boys....
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<FONT FACE="chalkboard" SIZE="1">And Sara Thinks She's died here once before she's crazy...<BR><img src="http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a155/olpaf/dummy.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com"><img src="http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a155/olpaf/dummy2.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com"> <BR><img src="http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a155/olpaf/af4.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com"><img src="http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a155/olpaf/af3.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com">

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Postby Johnny » 1/28/2010, 1:14 pm

Someone find me a suitable milf teacher! STAT!
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Postby Neil » 1/28/2010, 11:24 pm

I'm sure I could get ahold of the secretary... would take some work to track down her digits or email addi again.
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