by trentm32 » 12/13/2004, 6:31 pm
I just lived this, verbatim, a few hours ago. Why do I have the absolute WORST luck at romance. The only thing I could do to stop crying was to write it all down. A few tattered notebook pages later, I came out with this. Since I haven't posted much lately, on my life (or writing) I fingured I could kill two birds. Just keep me in your prayers, guys; cuz Trent's life is kinda sucking today.
...
"Amen."
I needed to be in a place, a place I had never been in before. A place of beauty, a place of vastness. A place of cold detachment. I wasn’t even sure where I was going, until I had made it across town and parked my car beside the Catholic cathedral that had been there since the turn of the century.
At least I had done it. At least I went after her. If I hadn’t, I’d have regretted it for the rest of my life. I know it. For the last few days I could tell something was wrong. The detachment in her actions, the fake nonchalance; I knew something wasn’t right. Until, finally, she walked in barely a few hours ago now, and said “I think we need to talk.” No good conversation I have ever had has begun with those words, so I took a deep breath, and prepared for the worst. “I think we should break up,” she finally said, after forcing small talk with a distressed look in her eyes.
“We’ll both be moving away in a few months to university, and I don’t want to get so wrapped up in… this, that I can’t let it go.” All I could do was sit there, trying to steady my voice before I spoke, trying to catch the tears before they welled behind my eyes. Finally I opened my mouth: “If that’s how you feel…” I couldn’t think of a way to finish, so I just lowered my head and looked away. After a few more moments of silence, she lifted to her feet. “I… I guess I should go.” All I could do was nod goodbye. It took me standing up, an her being gone, for me to realize I wasn’t finished, for me to realize that I still had a peace left to say. I slid on a pair of shoes, and bolted to my car. By the grace of God I made it there in one piece, and I caught her as she was walking between her car and front door. “Wait!” I shouted.
With my mind now blank from the moment’s arrival, all I could say was “What are you afraid of?” She wasn’t sure what to make of my question. As I got closer I could see the dried tears that had so recently been running down her cheeks. “We’ll both be gone in five months, and I don’t know if we can make it two states apart.” “What does five months matter?” I shot back. “We make it now, we make it here. In this moment, in this place. God only knows where we’ll be in five months.” “I can’t do that,” she finally replied. “I have to have a plan, I have to know—“ “Haven’t you ever wanted to just live in the moment? My God, it’s better to burn as bright as you can, and risk burning out; then to never even let yourself spark. I just thought, that, there might be more here. But, if you don’t think so, then maybe I’m wrong.” “It wouldn’t be fair to you.” “I’m here,” I shot back, myself not ever sure what I meant by the statement.
“If you can’t follow your heart, there’s nothing I can do to make the guide. I just know that, for myself, I had to go after you, and say what I needed to say; or I’d regret it… If you still don’t think this can work, then so be it—maybe you’re right. I just needed to know that, when I walk away, I did everything I could to save something I thought I believed in.” Tears began to well behind her eyes. “You know where to find me if…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence as I said goodbye.
Once I’d walked back to my car and left, my hands shaking from shock that I had actually gone after her, I made my way to the farthest back pew of the darkened cathedral sanctuary, watching the setting sun play tricks on the stained glass. Through the silence a weak piano began to play a song of heartbreak in my head. Before I could even sit down I burst into tears. I can’t believe it took me this long to finally cry. I wept until I could hardly breathe. My hair matted in my face, soaked with tears. Once I finally regained my composure enough to speak, I uttered a small prayer. “I pray for her, Lord. I pray her strength, I pray her boldness; I pray her passion. I pray her happiness, and I pray her content ness. Most of all I pray your will over her life, Lord; as well as over mine. Amen.”
...
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.
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