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A short play...

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A pop-up book of flowers from grade 4 are driving her insane...

A short play...

Postby beautiful liar » 10/16/2004, 9:06 pm

alright...i need feedback please! this is for school, but i'm not entirely pleased with it. if you have some time, read it through and give me some feedback please and thanks! the title needs to be changed...and i want to add something at the end, but i'm not sure what. remember...it is a play so grammar and syntax aren't as important as they would be in other writing.

Wonderland Disclosure
Prologue
SCENE 1

LIGHTS UP: center spot.
A caged teenager; dressed in a hoodie and baggy jeans, headphones on, eyes glazed, unresponsive to his/her surroundings


Tour guide: “…a prime example of what was known as a “teen-ager;” a human adolescent from the beginning of the 21st century. Known for moodiness and severe swings in personality caused by fluxuating hormones accentuated by the natural urge to blend in with the herd of its fellows; the “teen-ager” displayed a remarkable willingness to conform blindly to its peers. Major influences on behaviour included rebellion against authority combined with a contradictory willingness to follow the marketed example provided through common media influences of the day, including the primitive broadcasting devices known as radio and television, music, and the simple versions of computer networking known as the internet. This creature, despite average intelligence, was self-absorbed to the extreme and apathetic to the world outside its realm of interest. Hence notice the glazed stare and slouched posture typical of it’s kind. As we continue on to the next exhibit….”

FADE TO BLACK

SCENE 2

LIGHTS UP: A courtroom in 2008, judge giving a verdict

Judge: “…and it is apparent that although they are dependant on the mother to obtain the necessities of life; and furthermore can cause harm to the bearer in certain situations, harm being defined as physical damage inflicted upon the woman in question, including potentially fatal injuries caused by the carrying of the child or the birthing of said babe; foetuses are not aware, and thus cannot develop the mens rea, or intention, of causing said damage, and thus are not criminal in nature, nor are they parasitic as they are essential to the survival of our species. Thus they shall be granted from henceforth a full and complete right to life and shall be protected as persons under the law, even if it means, as it does in this case, that the woman carrying the child is fated to die that the child may have a chance to live…” (Sounds of a woman sobbing)

FADE TO BLACK

Act 1

Sounds of an amusement park; shouting, laughter, the roar of roller coasters and the faint sound of carnival music. LIGHTS UP on two teenagers entering the end of a queue waiting for a ride. Neon is a hyper, energetic person who is constantly in motion and is manic in her quest for greater thrills. Her outside reflects this through gaudy, bright clothing, piercings galore, and colourful hair and makeup. Blue is a sombre, observant individual full of the gloom and darkness of teenage angst. She wears all black, including a sweatshirt despite the heat.

Neon: (Surveying the queue) Look at that line, Blue!

Blue: Are you sure you want to go on this ride then?

Neon: Yeah! I haven’t been on it yet and I heard that it’s wild!

Blue: It just looks like a giant pendulum.

Neon: That’s exactly what the commercial says. And you say you don’t watch TV! (laughs)

Blue: I don’t watch TV Neon. You know that.

Neon: (Fidgeting) The sign says it takes 45 minutes from this point.

Blue: Yeah.

Neon: Waiting in this heat is going to be torture. You’d think they’d at least shade the queue. You know, put up a tarp, or at least plant some trees or something.

Blue: Shade wouldn’t stop the humidity. That’s what’s murder.

Neon: Yeah, well, it would at least protect us from the sun. Aren’t you melting in that getup?

Blue: I’m fine.

Neon: Whatever you say.

Blue: (shrugs)

Neon: It’s cool to hang out like this after so long eh? Feels like I haven’t seen you since the hockey season ended!

Blue: That’s because you haven’t.

Neon: Yes, well…what have you been up to then?

Blue: Nothing.

Neon: Oh, come on. You didn’t just hide under a rock for the past four months!

Blue: No, I hid in my room.
Neon: You’re so anti-social.

Blue: Am not. (Awkward silence)

Neon: Well I’ll tell you what’s been happening with me then.

Blue: Okay.

Neon: Well, I started dating this guy, right? He was all desperate for a date so I agreed to go out with him. Turns out he was just trying to make his girlfriend jealous. Not a big surprise I guess, but you know what else? He had a friend who I got to know while I was going out with him, and once he dumped me the friend, Joey, asked me out. What do you think of that?

Blue: I …don’t know.

Neon: Well I do. Turns out Joey was a real bum. Just wanted someone to make out with and stuff.

Blue: Stuff?

Neon: None of your business!

Blue: Sorry.

Neon: You’re always sorry.

Blue: Yeah.

Neon: Anyways, I dump Joey, and that was that. So lately I’ve taken up yoga and pilates and I’ve been working out like a madwoman. It’s great! I’m on a diet too. It’s a kind of ‘resist food until you can’t bear it and then eat some celery because it won’t do too much damage.’

Blue: Sounds kinda unhealthy.

Neon: (Laughs) this coming from you?

Blue: (Looks uncomfortable and shrugs)

Neon: Speaking of which, how’s the counselling going?

Blue: I hate it.

Neon: Come on, we both know counsellors talk a lot of bull and then leave the rest up to you. Besides, you won’t be seein’ him forever.

Blue: Yeah.

Neon: Plus I bet you’ve been lying through your teeth and have him convinced that things aren’t what they seem.

Blue: Yeah.

Neon: For an actress you aren’t very dramatic, you know.

Blue: I guess.

Neon: Getting anything out of you is like pulling teeth! Stubborn teeth that have been mixed with cement and stuck to your gumline!

Blue: uhh…

Neon: Anyways, we’re teenagers. Our parents would be shocked if we weren’t stupid half the time.

Blue: Actually, I don’t think my dad would notice.

Neon: (too loudly) Hey! Are we any closer to the ride?

Blue: I don’t think so.

Neon: We’re gonna be here all day!

Blue: We could leave?

Neon: Nah, I wanna wait. Besides, it’s nice getting to talk to you.

Blue: Okay.

Neon: Geez it’s hot out! Hey, want a drink or something?

Blue: I thought we were waiting in line?

Neon: We are! But I can run and get some water or something while you save our places. There’s a vending machine back that way.

Blue: You know this place better than anyone.

Neon: (Laughing) there’s a reason why half the staff knows me by name. I’ll be back in a blink!

Blue: Okay. (EXIT Neon) She’s changed. She’s so…typical now. Neon used to be just like me. Scared of life and scarred by experience. When did she become so outgoing? I know she’s still a little girl huddling behind that mask. I know her well, even though I haven’t talked to her in ages. Inside she’s exactly the same as before. Inside, she’s convinced she’s ugly, convinced she’s fat, convinced she’s the butt of this joke we call life. (Wistful) Look at her, all motion and colour. I wish she could see how beautiful she is. How absolutely I would love to be her; how I long to be bright and beautiful and the center of every spotlight. I don’t want to drag her down to my level, but being with me discomforts her. It reminds her of all the bad things that happen. Otherwise she wouldn’t babble on so much about things that are meaningless even to her. Those boyfriends? She knows as well as I that she’d go out with any boy who asked just so she could feel wanted. She didn’t particularly care who they were or what they did. I wish she would find a guy who would coddle her and treat her how she deserves to be treated. I hate knowing that I remind her of all the dark times she’s endured. I feel like an anchor dragging at her as she tries to propel herself forwards, on to greater things. I wish I could steal her away from her overbearing parents and just let her know she’s loved. She doesn’t know it. But she is. Teachers love their shining pupil. Her other friends love her unwavering humour. (pause) I love her like I never loved anything. She’s going to be so much more than any one of us one day, if only she could see her own worth.

Neon: (Returning) I’m back. Miss me?

Blue: Yeah.

Neon: I grabbed you some water. It’s nice and cold. I know you must be melting in that sweater.

Blue: Thanks.

Neon: No problem kiddo. So, anything exciting happen while I was gone?

Blue: No.

Neon: Well, while I was walking I came across a group of kids all tripped out and punked up. One had a mohawk, so I told him how awesome it looked. He said he liked my armbands.

Blue: Cool.

Neon: Yup. I was thinking of asking if I could hang out with them.

Blue: Oh?

Neon: Yeah. I figured they wouldn’t want me around though.

Blue: Why not?

Neon: I dunno. They were just all so cool, I wouldn’t have fit in.

Blue: You would have fit in fine.

Neon: Yeah, well, I came here to hang out with you.

Blue: Thanks.

Neon: Yup. (Brief pause) I’m bored. Let’s play a game.

Blue: ummm…

Neon: Come on! It’ll be fun!

Blue: Okay.

Neon: Alright, let’s play truth and lies.

Blue: Alright.

Neon: I’ll go first. Uhh…my grandfather was a cattle rancher.

Blue: Lie.

Neon: Yeah, that was an easy one. Everyone around here knows my grandfather, the famous laywer.

Blue: Yeah.

Neon: Your turn.

Blue: Okay…I began life as an abortion.

Neon: Lie. That doesn’t even make sense.

Blue: No, it’s true. I was the foetus in the Zimmer case.

Neon: You never told me that!

Blue: (Shrug)

Neon: That was my Grandfather’s last case before he retired and moved here!

Blue: I know.

Neon: I never even thought about it. Your name, Dora Zimmer; you live with only your father because your mom died…geez I feel like an idiot.

Blue: You’re not.

Neon: How would you know anyways? Wouldn’t your dad have kept that from you?

Blue: No. I saw the files.

Neon: He let you look through his legal files?

Blue: He showed me that file when he was mad one day. Said it was my damned fault that mom died, me and that damned lawyer Spencer Madden.

Neon: (subdued) My grandfather.

Blue: Yeah.

Neon: I don’t know what to say.

Blue: I’m sorry.

Neon: You aren’t the one who should be sorry. None of this is your fault Dora. Remember that. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your father’s a jerk though.

Blue: (shrugs)

Neon: Well he is!

Blue: Maybe he isn’t. He loved mom, and he never wanted me.

Neon: What? That’s not true.

Blue: Yes it is. And now I have to live with the court’s decision that my life was worth more than my mothers. Even though it’s not. She was pretty, and smart, and talented and loving and successful. Everything I’m not.

Neon: Don’t believe it when your father tells you that. She wasn’t perfect.

Blue: (Shrugs)

Neon: She wasn’t!

Blue: (Turns away)

Neon: Oh, Blue, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…

Blue: (Mumbles) I have to go to the bathroom. (Exits stage right)

Neon: Damn! What do you say to a kid who says nothing? Who won’t show you how she feels or talk to you about her life? She was finally opening up to me, and I know she needs to open up to someone, and I messed it up. So much for gaining her trust. What a fragile little girl, she’s like an abandoned chick that you just want to pick up and hold and protect. She won’t let anyone close though. No one can get close enough to save her from herself. It was blind luck that someone found her in the bathroom last year and called the ambulance in time. The courts may have decided on her life, but Blue seems determined to finish what her mother couldn’t. I don’t care if it’s wrong to criticize parents, Blue’s dad is wrong! She’s so artistic and creative, if only she would trust people she could do great things! Her drawings are so emotional, and she writes poetry like no one I’ve ever known, things so beautiful and morbid that you want to cry but aren’t sure if it’s fear or love trying to escape your eyes. She’s so fragile though, and so withdrawn. I wish I could reach her somehow, I wish I could be her knight in shining armour, if only for a while. (Pause) Where is she? (worried) She should be back by now, shouldn’t she? She was just going to the bathro…oh my god! (Neon bolts offstage in the direction Blue went, ambulance sirens start softly and gain strength as lights fade)

LIGHTS UP: Neon is standing center stage, dressed like Blue dressed, staring glassily off into the distance.
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Postby half jill » 10/16/2004, 10:03 pm

it seems awfully familiar..
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Postby beautiful liar » 10/16/2004, 10:06 pm

:uh: maybe because you read it earlier? :P
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Postby half jill » 10/16/2004, 10:11 pm

no, that can't be it.
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Postby trentm32 » 10/16/2004, 10:40 pm

That's fantastic, The ending gave me a cold chill! It's really, really good. I love the introspection, how they both see each other. Kudos my friend, kudos.
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.

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Postby half jill » 10/16/2004, 10:41 pm

i knew you would be the first one to comment..after me :P
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Postby trentm32 » 10/16/2004, 10:43 pm

:)
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.

<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
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Postby beautiful liar » 10/16/2004, 10:47 pm

trentm32 wrote:That's fantastic, The ending gave me a cold chill! It's really, really good. I love the introspection, how they both see each other. Kudos my friend, kudos.


thanks. :D the ending just feels incomplete to me. i just don't know where to go from there though.
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Postby trentm32 » 10/16/2004, 11:04 pm

I totally dug the ending. I took it as it took Neon's friend commiting suicide for her to realize she was focusing on stupid things; the only problem is that she can't really find anything real to focus on, so all she can do is go back to being another glassy-eyes teenager, living up to established cliche.
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.

<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
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Postby beautiful liar » 10/16/2004, 11:11 pm

that was what i was trying to establish, drawing a connection to the seemingly random beginning with the caged teenager. i just wasn't sure if it was too subtle. merci beaucoup for your feedback.
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Postby trentm32 » 10/16/2004, 11:14 pm

I thought it worked out great; subtle enough to not be heavy-handed at all, but still there enough to pick up on.
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.

<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
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Postby beautiful liar » 10/16/2004, 11:17 pm

you've given me more confidence in the ending, i only hope my teacher thinks the same way you do! :lol:
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Postby trentm32 » 10/16/2004, 11:19 pm

No prob, buddddddy.
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.

<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
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Postby hpdfk » 10/17/2004, 11:34 am

I loved it! However, I do agree with you that the ending is incomplete. I'd suggest a sound cue to accompany the ending, some musical track that you think reflects this piece. Otherwise, someone could be reading Blue's obituary in the background of the final scene.

Also, I don't see the need for the play to be set in 2008. Giving an undefined year and just stating present day would make a lot more sense. Or is 2008 a significant year to you that I am not aware of?

Aside from that, I thought it was amazing! Are you taking a directing class?
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Postby hpdfk » 10/17/2004, 11:45 am

Also, is the caged teenager in the prolouge Neon? If so, resuming to the museum scene would be a good transition for an ending.
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Postby beautiful liar » 10/17/2004, 11:54 am

thanks :) this is just for a regular grade 12 drama class. one or two plays from our class will be chosen to participate in a festival though...i kinda hope it's mine :P

i was thinking of playing a song that goes "watch me lose her, it's almost like losing myself" in the background of the final scene, becasue it seems to fit. i like the idea of a sound cue though.

2008 isn't significant, i just picked a random year. an undefined time period would probably make more sense, you're right about that.

and the caged teenager in the beginning isn't neon. it could be i guess...but i don't know if i like that idea simply because i'd like to believe neon isn't that apathetic in the end. it was more to represent how in the beginning both girls were very acute about the other, but not about themselves, and their entire existance each revolved around themselves and their own problems. i'm wavering on cutting that very first scene. it does add something, but the tie-in is weak.

thank you muchly for your feedback :D
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Postby hpdfk » 10/17/2004, 12:49 pm

I agree that the tie in is weak, but I really do love that scene. It's what draws the audience into the play. This is why if you made the caged teenager Neon, the beginning and end would transfer better. The play would be the story behind this museum exhibit, the complexities that the tour guide left out. I suppose I'm now taking the story out of context, but I really don't want that scene cut.
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Postby Rusty » 10/17/2004, 1:18 pm

I liked it a lot!! I'd keep the first scene in there, it captures the audiences attention right away and then holds it for the rest of the play as the whole stroy unfolds. A song at the end is good too...maybe have Neon standing there like you have her and then have the music start softly as the lights slowly fade away or something.

Queens Of The Stone Age-Someone's In The Wolf

Once you're lost in twillights's blue
You don't find your way, the way finds you...

Tempt the fates, beware the smile
It hides all the teeth, my dear,
What's behind them...

So glad you could stay
Forever

He steps between the trees, a crooked man
There's blood on the blade
Don't take his hand

You warm by the firelight, in twilight's blue
Shadows creep & dance the walls
He's creeping too..

So glad you could stay
Forever


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Postby beautiful liar » 10/17/2004, 1:53 pm

thank ye. so i guess the general consensus is that the first scene should stay :lol:
i still don't particularly want neon to be the girl in the cage, simply because then i would have to address how she got there, and i don't know how she would have ended up there, simply because the museum scene is set in the future (since they are clearly addressing the teenager as a being of the past). the teenager in the first scene could even be some kind of model or replica, and it could just be a tie-in of themes, a connection of stereotypes...maybe how we're all doomed to live up to the images we try so hard to shake? i mean, i wouldn't even have to say that, just let the kid sit on stage and the audience assume what they want maybe? i don't know...there are just so many ways the first scene can be interpreted in relation to the rest of the play, and leaving it too vague is not always good form.
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Postby Rusty » 10/17/2004, 7:55 pm

I'm not fond of the idea of Neon being the teen in the cage either, it seems to...weird if you ask me and would leave me wondering how she got in there. But a good idea is to let the audience draw their own conclusions then discuss it amongst themselves.

Queens Of The Stone Age-Someone's In The Wolf

Once you're lost in twillights's blue
You don't find your way, the way finds you...

Tempt the fates, beware the smile
It hides all the teeth, my dear,
What's behind them...

So glad you could stay
Forever

He steps between the trees, a crooked man
There's blood on the blade
Don't take his hand

You warm by the firelight, in twilight's blue
Shadows creep & dance the walls
He's creeping too..

So glad you could stay
Forever


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