ed
ed
by trentm32 » 7/28/2004, 10:08 pm
cd
Last edited by trentm32 on 2/15/2007, 9:58 pm, edited 8 times in total.
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
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trentm32 - Oskar Winner: 2005
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by beautiful liar » 7/28/2004, 11:14 pm
Good work. 
I like Alex, he's very kind of detached, and very optimistic. When he breaks down, it's brief, and then he seems to just keep on going. When he contemplates things (and that's mostly what he's doing) he doesn't often overcomplicate, and he's very honest about himself.
I suppose that’s a dejected, pessimistic look at the world
i was somewhat confused about that line, because taking comfort from yourself, from music, from the little things you have seems very optimistic to me. maybe i just read it incorrectly, but Alex seems unfazed by the changes he is instigating in his life, he doesn't seem downcast of pessimistic to me.
but i am interested to see what turns his journey takes.
I like Alex, he's very kind of detached, and very optimistic. When he breaks down, it's brief, and then he seems to just keep on going. When he contemplates things (and that's mostly what he's doing) he doesn't often overcomplicate, and he's very honest about himself.
I suppose that’s a dejected, pessimistic look at the world
i was somewhat confused about that line, because taking comfort from yourself, from music, from the little things you have seems very optimistic to me. maybe i just read it incorrectly, but Alex seems unfazed by the changes he is instigating in his life, he doesn't seem downcast of pessimistic to me.
but i am interested to see what turns his journey takes.
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beautiful liar - Posts: 6281
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by trentm32 » 7/29/2004, 11:01 am
thanks for the feedback!
that's a good point you make, too; I dunno, it just seemed pessimistic to me. But, I suppose atleast finding some things to take comfort in are better than most people have.
*ponders an edit*
anyone else? come on guys! feedback!
that's a good point you make, too; I dunno, it just seemed pessimistic to me. But, I suppose atleast finding some things to take comfort in are better than most people have.
*ponders an edit*
anyone else? come on guys! feedback!
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
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trentm32 - Oskar Winner: 2005
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by Random Name » 7/29/2004, 12:25 pm
Alright, that was longer then I thought it was going to be. heh.
On the 5th paragraph you start dialogue between Cassie and Alex. I have no problem with what they say, but you need to make new paragraphs each time someone talks. That goes for the rest of it too.
Also in that paragraph, you say "headed back to his house" which I think is supposed to be her.
I also noticed that the 10th and the 12th paragraph ended with some statement, but they both started with God. That seemed to stand out. You may want to change one of them because it doesn't flow well.
When he is on the bus the first time and gets woken up by the driver, there is an odd sentance. "I came to as a man"...it just sounds weird. I think there needs to be a comma or something in there.
I also found the whole Jules thing a bit odd. Just before he meets her, he is in the bookstore and is too shy to talk to the girl. But when he see's a hot girl on the bus he sits right next to her. That just seems to forward for his character. Its important for the plot though, so maybe if the bus was crowded and there were only a handful of empty seats, and that was one of them. Just a thought though.
Thats all I picked up from a beta standpoint. I really like whats happening. At first I thought that this was a bit like "On the Road" so I thought the reference was really cute. But the more and more I read the more I realized that it reminds me a lot of "The Catcher in the Rye". If you haven't read it, you should.
All in all it's pretty well done. I'm impressed. There are some minor repetative things (like how he drinks a LOT of coffee! ) but nothing that ruins the story.
If you write more of it, I'd like to hear it. I am curious to know where this is going.
On the 5th paragraph you start dialogue between Cassie and Alex. I have no problem with what they say, but you need to make new paragraphs each time someone talks. That goes for the rest of it too.
Also in that paragraph, you say "headed back to his house" which I think is supposed to be her.
I also noticed that the 10th and the 12th paragraph ended with some statement, but they both started with God. That seemed to stand out. You may want to change one of them because it doesn't flow well.
When he is on the bus the first time and gets woken up by the driver, there is an odd sentance. "I came to as a man"...it just sounds weird. I think there needs to be a comma or something in there.
I also found the whole Jules thing a bit odd. Just before he meets her, he is in the bookstore and is too shy to talk to the girl. But when he see's a hot girl on the bus he sits right next to her. That just seems to forward for his character. Its important for the plot though, so maybe if the bus was crowded and there were only a handful of empty seats, and that was one of them. Just a thought though.
Thats all I picked up from a beta standpoint.
I really like whats happening. At first I thought that this was a bit like "On the Road" so I thought the reference was really cute. But the more and more I read the more I realized that it reminds me a lot of "The Catcher in the Rye". If you haven't read it, you should.
All in all it's pretty well done. I'm impressed. There are some minor repetative things (like how he drinks a LOT of coffee! ) but nothing that ruins the story.
If you write more of it, I'd like to hear it. I am curious to know where this is going.
-Sarah
Goodbye you liar,
Well you sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything
Then you think you will inspire
Take apart your head
(and I wish I could inspire)
Take apart your demons, then you add it to the list.
Goodbye you liar,
Well you sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything
Then you think you will inspire
Take apart your head
(and I wish I could inspire)
Take apart your demons, then you add it to the list.
- Random Name
- Oskar Winner: 2007
- Posts: 10134
- Joined: 8/16/2003, 2:57 pm
- Location: New Finland
by trentm32 » 7/29/2004, 5:08 pm
Thanks a ton for the notes, Sarah!
I've been working on it off and on for close to a year (mostly off), and now I finally want to get it done. I finally figured out where I want it to go. Over the last year I've gone through quite a bit of love trouble; so I'm trying to work through that myself; plus it got me to thinking that maybe I could write about it. Sadly, I didn't get the girl; and I wanted to tell a story from the point of view of the guy who, well, loses; but finds himself in the process. I just wish I had the time to write on it!
*goes editing*
I've been working on it off and on for close to a year (mostly off), and now I finally want to get it done. I finally figured out where I want it to go. Over the last year I've gone through quite a bit of love trouble; so I'm trying to work through that myself; plus it got me to thinking that maybe I could write about it. Sadly, I didn't get the girl; and I wanted to tell a story from the point of view of the guy who, well, loses; but finds himself in the process. I just wish I had the time to write on it!
*goes editing*
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
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trentm32 - Oskar Winner: 2005
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by Penguin Josh » 7/29/2004, 6:11 pm
just wondering but did you get the names from the people on here?
- Penguin Josh
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by trentm32 » 7/29/2004, 7:44 pm
robcore wrote:you're a fantastic writer, man.
thanks bro!
The Other Josh wrote:just wondering but did you get the names from the people on here?
nope, let's see...
alex - an homage to my fave character on the now defunct TV show Roswell.
Cassie - a bit character on a seventh season episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer; I just loved the name.
Julia - from the song. Julia (Piano) is 'effin gorgeous.
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
-
trentm32 - Oskar Winner: 2005
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- Joined: 3/17/2002, 2:51 pm
- Location: my heart is in New York.
by trentm32 » 7/29/2004, 7:48 pm
I posted an edited version. Worked on some of the suggestions, and added about a page or so's worth.
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
-
trentm32 - Oskar Winner: 2005
- Posts: 2272
- Joined: 3/17/2002, 2:51 pm
- Location: my heart is in New York.
by Random Name » 7/29/2004, 7:48 pm
You know, maybe it's me, but I just don't see the main character as an Alex. Meh. :/
-Sarah
Goodbye you liar,
Well you sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything
Then you think you will inspire
Take apart your head
(and I wish I could inspire)
Take apart your demons, then you add it to the list.
Goodbye you liar,
Well you sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything
Then you think you will inspire
Take apart your head
(and I wish I could inspire)
Take apart your demons, then you add it to the list.
- Random Name
- Oskar Winner: 2007
- Posts: 10134
- Joined: 8/16/2003, 2:57 pm
- Location: New Finland
by trentm32 » 7/30/2004, 11:24 pm
...new post up...
added about 1/2 page; edited a lil bit.
added about 1/2 page; edited a lil bit.
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
-
trentm32 - Oskar Winner: 2005
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- Joined: 3/17/2002, 2:51 pm
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by I AM ME » 7/31/2004, 2:03 am
i want to read it but my contacts are drying out and things get blurry
"How can we justify spending so much on destruction and so little on life?" Matthew Good
"The white dove is gone, the one world has come down hard, so why not share the pain of our problems, when all around are wrong ways, when all around is hurt, i'll roll up in an odd shape and wait, untill the tide has turned.....with anger, i'm dead weight, i'm anchored"- IME, God Rocket (Into the Heart of Las Vegas) ^ Some say this song is about a terrorists thoughts before 911
"Pray for the sheep" Matt Good
"But it's alright, take the world and make it yours again" Matt Good
I felt it in the wind, and i saw it in the sky, i thought it was the end, i thought it was the 4th of July.
"Hold on, hold on children, your mother and father are leaving, hold on, hold on children your best freind's parents are leaving, leaving,.......*AHHH*! " - Death From Above - Black History Month
"The white dove is gone, the one world has come down hard, so why not share the pain of our problems, when all around are wrong ways, when all around is hurt, i'll roll up in an odd shape and wait, untill the tide has turned.....with anger, i'm dead weight, i'm anchored"- IME, God Rocket (Into the Heart of Las Vegas) ^ Some say this song is about a terrorists thoughts before 911
"Pray for the sheep" Matt Good
"But it's alright, take the world and make it yours again" Matt Good
I felt it in the wind, and i saw it in the sky, i thought it was the end, i thought it was the 4th of July.
"Hold on, hold on children, your mother and father are leaving, hold on, hold on children your best freind's parents are leaving, leaving,.......*AHHH*! " - Death From Above - Black History Month
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by trentm32 » 7/31/2004, 8:56 am
Thanks for taking the time guys; I appreciate the feedback a ton. When it eventually goes on to sell millions, I shall thanks my CM homies in the 'thank people' section.
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
-
trentm32 - Oskar Winner: 2005
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by Hope » 7/31/2004, 7:38 pm
trentm32 wrote:Thanks for taking the time guys; I appreciate the feedback a ton. When it eventually goes on to sell millions, I shall thanks my CM homies in the 'thank people' section.
turn your head
come back again
to here knows when
last.fm
come back again
to here knows when
last.fm
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by happening fish » 7/31/2004, 7:59 pm
trentm32 wrote:alex - an homage to my fave character on the now defunct TV show Roswell.
Damn.
awkward is the new cool
[url]gutterhome.blogspot.com[/url]
[url]gutterhome.blogspot.com[/url]
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happening fish - Oskar Winner: 2006
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by starseed_10 » 7/31/2004, 8:40 pm
i don't know if you did it on purpose, but the forth sentance doesn't have a question mark.
i'll print it out and read it later.
i'll print it out and read it later.
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starseed_10 - Oskar Winner: 2005
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by trentm32 » 8/1/2004, 5:11 pm
...added new edit...
Maybe not now, but by the end he will.
and also an homage to one of my fave CM-ers.
Random Name wrote:You know, maybe it's me, but I just don't see the main character as an Alex. Meh. :/
Maybe not now, but by the end he will.
happeningfish wrote:trentm32 wrote:alex - an homage to my fave character on the now defunct TV show Roswell.
Damn.
and also an homage to one of my fave CM-ers.
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
-
trentm32 - Oskar Winner: 2005
- Posts: 2272
- Joined: 3/17/2002, 2:51 pm
- Location: my heart is in New York.
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