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Confessions of a Confused Mind

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Confessions of a Confused Mind

Postby Candy-coated Fake » 5/13/2004, 2:16 pm

These are just a collection of poems that I've written over the past week. They're kind of similar, but I like them anyways. Here goes!

Solitary Confinement

When the sun shines through, it isn’t quite the same
It’s playing on my walls in a peculiar pattern
The light drips down the wall like coagulated blood
Flirting its beauty before my parted lips
I’d do anything for a taste of the past…

Crudely scrawled drawings adorn the floor
Mapping out my life as it should have been
Your scribbled figure holding my body
Comforting me in my deepest of sorrows
Before you defied my presence without a reason.

As I live out my life alone in this room
I hold to threads of what I once thought true
Maybe one day I’ll put them back together again
And make it into a blanket to cover my window
To keep the mocking sunlight from dying on my wall.


Candlelight Stranger

So this is where we close our story
Ending in such an awkward place
You’ve changed to cryptic forms I cannot read
…and I never thought I’d know you less …
Regret entangles with confused emotions
As I breathe in the decay of your speech
Half-empty explanations litter the air
…but I thought you trusted me more than that…
I thought that we would never slip.

I watch your shadows flee down the path
No matter how fast, I never reach your pace
Your feet hate me as much as your mind
…and I never thought I’d hurt like this…
I’ll light a candle when I remember the silence
Until the sky is alight with sorrowful stars
Half my soul is wilting in your hands
…but I thought you loved me more than that…
I thought that we would never slip.

I thought that we would never slip…


Tell me your thoughts, etc. CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM PLEASE!
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Postby Joe Cooler » 5/13/2004, 8:41 pm

I like it a lot. I dont have any suggestions because frankly I suck at writing.
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Postby trentm32 » 5/14/2004, 8:04 am

I dig 'em quite a bit. I like the flow, and great usage of language. kudos.
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.

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Postby happening fish » 5/14/2004, 2:24 pm

Solitary Confinement:
I adore the first two lines especially, and the aura created by the entire thing. However, I would watch out for a couple things; well, for one, coagulated blood doesn't drip :lol:, which really is more part of the problem of conciseness: don't try to cram too many descriptors in, or you will hide the natural beauty of the poem. Try simplifying your language a bit and see if it helps the true feelings come through, past the ornamentation.

Candlelight Stranger:
Pretty much the same criticism, but again, you have some great thoughts and emotional lines in there. I think with a little toning down and touching up these could be really excellent pieces!

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Postby Candy-coated Fake » 5/17/2004, 9:20 am

happeningfish wrote:Solitary Confinement:
well, for one, coagulated blood doesn't drip :lol:</two cents>


LOL!!! My bad.

Yeah, I guess I can get too descriptive with my writing. I always thought that it was better to give more than less, but I guess the whole "less is more" saying applies to this too. Thanks for your imput and I definitely will use your suggestions in my writing.
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Postby trentm32 » 5/17/2004, 12:14 pm

lol, I noticed the drip thing, too; but I wasn't sure if I was right or not, so I didn't say anything ;-p
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.

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Postby finding emo » 5/17/2004, 3:55 pm

Though have you ever noticed how poet's TRY to do stuff like that?

Say things that aren't true... and then they come up with complicated reasons why.

And I think the over-the-top is YOUR writing style.
"I wrote on my palm before I went to have it read to see if she would read that too."- Mitch Hedberg
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