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Postby joe_canadian » 5/6/2004, 1:45 pm

Short things from my Writer's Craft course. Pretty cliche but some bits I like. Again, I'd love criticism.

Quiet

There’s a TV in the back of my head that’s always stuck on snow. Always. Perpetually.
Except for once.
Once the lights went out and the static fell away. Not for the reasons you might think – no bad electricity in my brain. I found someone, or, rather, she found me in the hissing, flickering dark. She quieted me, she pulled the plug. For that brief standstill in time there was nothing. The world blinked away with the power and I saw nothing, felt nothing, and was nothing. I ceased to be in a kiss. I did not exist – there was only a wonderful void that slyly eluded definition, hiding forever in soft lips and warm hair.
It is only after, when the noise and glare returned, that I realized that it was the most beautiful moment of my life.

What If

What if these woods aren’t just woods?
I see trees: pillars humming with memory. They are soaked in the green of countless algae, mosses, vines, other trees. A cacophony of life blocking out sun and sky. They stink of history, of stories waiting to be told – what do they have to tell? How many scores of years have washed over these old towers? What have they seen?
My heart tells me, “Much.” And they sway tiredly. Much: battles and storms and fires and droughts and northern lights and southern winds and secret places and comings and goings of beasts and people and things I cannot imagine. Rivers that swell and tickle their sides. Smoke that chokes them and acid that falls from the sky. Stories to fill volumes of scraps of their skin – stories to be whispered and sang aloud.
But only a few of people who stopped to listen.
Last edited by joe_canadian on 5/6/2004, 5:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Just because I am sexy, naked, a bassist, and sporting a top hat doesn't make me Duncan Coutts!
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Postby trentm32 » 5/6/2004, 1:47 pm

I like the "Quiet" one, it's really cool.
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.

<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
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Postby starseed_10 » 5/6/2004, 2:06 pm

i like everything but "great warm pillars of throbbing life". it's unsettling somehow.


the rest is awesome.
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Postby Random Name » 5/6/2004, 3:03 pm

Yeah, that line made me think you were talking about something else.....:oops:
-Sarah

Goodbye you liar,
Well you sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything
Then you think you will inspire
Take apart your head
(and I wish I could inspire)
Take apart your demons, then you add it to the list.

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Postby joe_canadian » 5/6/2004, 3:03 pm

eep. 8O
Just because I am sexy, naked, a bassist, and sporting a top hat doesn't make me Duncan Coutts!
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Postby Random Name » 5/6/2004, 3:05 pm

Hey! You were talking about "rigid beasts"! What was I supposed to think!

:P
-Sarah

Goodbye you liar,
Well you sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything
Then you think you will inspire
Take apart your head
(and I wish I could inspire)
Take apart your demons, then you add it to the list.

Random Name
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Postby joe_canadian » 5/6/2004, 3:07 pm

shit fuck!
Just because I am sexy, naked, a bassist, and sporting a top hat doesn't make me Duncan Coutts!
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Postby joe_canadian » 5/6/2004, 3:07 pm

oh.. oh god!
Just because I am sexy, naked, a bassist, and sporting a top hat doesn't make me Duncan Coutts!
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Postby joe_canadian » 5/6/2004, 3:09 pm

what the hell have I done!?
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Postby joe_canadian » 5/6/2004, 3:11 pm

*edits out the tree porn*
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Postby dream in japanese » 5/6/2004, 3:11 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Postby Random Name » 5/6/2004, 3:12 pm

haha

Its really just the word throbbing. Everything else is great. 8-)
-Sarah

Goodbye you liar,
Well you sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything
Then you think you will inspire
Take apart your head
(and I wish I could inspire)
Take apart your demons, then you add it to the list.

Random Name
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Postby trentm32 » 5/6/2004, 3:14 pm

Random Name wrote:haha

Its really just the word throbbing. Everything else is great. 8-)


true dat; when you hear 'throbbing' in the context it was used... your mind kinda wanders...
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.

<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
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Postby joe_canadian » 5/6/2004, 3:15 pm

I really didn't think of that. :lol:
Just because I am sexy, naked, a bassist, and sporting a top hat doesn't make me Duncan Coutts!
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Postby Random Name » 5/6/2004, 3:15 pm

Though you could just do the opposite and insted of changing the word, change the whole thing to tree pr0n. That would be kick ass.
-Sarah

Goodbye you liar,
Well you sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything
Then you think you will inspire
Take apart your head
(and I wish I could inspire)
Take apart your demons, then you add it to the list.

Random Name
Oskar Winner: 2007
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Postby trentm32 » 5/6/2004, 3:16 pm

that would 'effin own!!

*goes to write his own tree porn*
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.

<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
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Postby joe_canadian » 5/6/2004, 3:18 pm

:uh:

well, now that I've completely discredited myself as a writer... :lol:
Just because I am sexy, naked, a bassist, and sporting a top hat doesn't make me Duncan Coutts!
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Postby Random Name » 5/6/2004, 3:20 pm

I'm sure there is a fetish club somewhere on the internet that would welcome you with open arms. :uh:
Just ask Trent. :P
-Sarah

Goodbye you liar,
Well you sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything
Then you think you will inspire
Take apart your head
(and I wish I could inspire)
Take apart your demons, then you add it to the list.

Random Name
Oskar Winner: 2007
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Location: New Finland

Postby trentm32 » 5/6/2004, 3:24 pm

I dunno... we're a pretty select group.
"When looking up there, I just felt whole, like I belonged. Like one day I too would shine my most brilliant. Sitting there also made me think about sitting through services at my little country church back home. About that never-changing congregation of the same sixty-seven people and everyone has known you since before you were born. Now, out here in the real world, everything just seemed more vivid than when I used to sit in that little pew. That pew that was now so, so far away from where I was. I feared I had somehow left God behind there, too. I feared he was somehow just sitting there, saving my seat on the fifth pew from the front row, just waiting on me to come back. I left so quickly, I worried that he may not have noticed I was gone. And, now, I’m just too far away to find. So he’s just sitting there, patiently waiting on me to come back. I closed my eyes and prayed a moment. I hoped more than anything that he could still hear me." -an excerpt from my novella, A Sea of Fallen Leaves.

<a href="http://www.soundthesirens.com">SoundTheSirens.com</a>
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Postby joe_canadian » 5/6/2004, 3:24 pm

:crying:
Just because I am sexy, naked, a bassist, and sporting a top hat doesn't make me Duncan Coutts!
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