ClumsyMonkey.net

by **starvingeyes** » 12/3/2003, 6:00 pm

“This one time, before all of this started, I uh, I got really high, and - ”

He paused, to exhale a thick puff of cigarette smoke.

“I got really high, and I was driving down the freeway, I must’ve been going like, a hundred, and all of the sudden, it just kind of hit me; you know, that I was moving 100 miles an hour. The whole thing was just so weird, and I was suddenly just struck by the things that we, as a species, have accomplished”

She smiled at him and chuckled lightly.

“You’re crazy” she replied.

Then she lifted her head off of his chest and sat up. He took another puff of his cigarette and watched as she pushed her self to her feet, walking to the edge of the rooftop. She glanced back at him before turning to watch as the sun set. He glanced down at his cigarette and flicked it away, standing up and walking over to her. He reached the edge of the rooftop and looked down. Below him, a car was overturned and sticking half in, half out of a storefront window, a small fire burning in it’s backseat and a piece of newspaper, blown by the wind, drifted aimlessly across the street. He turned his head to look at here as she slipped her fingers in between his and looked up.

“I love you, Randal”

He looked back at her, cracking a thin smile and nodding. The sound of a military helicopter drawing nearer permeated the thick silence that covered the city, and he glanced up at as the chopper flew above them before staring back over the edge of the rooftop. The once proud streets of New York City had been reduced to the ruins of an empire. The busy streets of Times Square were now empty, and fires raged unchecked throughout the city. The rubble of skyscrapers filled the streets, and many of the deserted buildings had large holes shot clean through them. Cars and trucks were scattered, overturned and many on fire throughout the streets. Somewhere in the distance, a store alarm was wailing. The sky had been transformed into a constant and monotonous sheet of pale gray, from the smoke and constant fires. He looked up, watching as the sun set against the devastated skyline of the city, his view obscured by the huge plumes of smoke which sailed upwards out of the damaged high-rises. He lowered his head and shook it solemnly.

“I love you too, Claire”

----

this the prologue. it is a work in progress. comments would be appreciated. i am mainly looking for whether or not you find this to be catching and interesting, eg. you want to find out the rest of the story. furthremore, are you able to visualize what i am describing?

thank you.

by **happening fish** » 12/4/2003, 8:11 pm

i really love your writing style. you have a lot of very gripping ideas in there already! i would love to read more. then only tiny comment i have is that you are a bit repetitive with "streets" in this bit: "The once proud streets of New York City had been reduced to the ruins of an empire. The busy streets of Times Square were now empty"

but that's only cause I always have to find something

Keep writing. Definitely.

by **Solidarity 9-6347** » 12/5/2003, 12:23 am

i think it's an awsome idea and a great start however i am not really loving the "i love you radal...i love you too claire" part. perhaps if you can present what you're trying to convey in a less archetypical way...however that's just one opinion, everyone else may like it, i don't know.

by **Dabekk** » 12/5/2003, 1:09 am

i think the 'i love you randal . . . i love you too claire' can work, but it really depends on the message you want to give.

by **starvingeyes** » 12/5/2003, 9:56 am

just so i can be clear, i intend to write a full length novel with this story, so the love story angle will play out more significantly further down the road.

alex, i will submit all of my work to you for proofreading. :mrgreen:

by **call me andrew** » 12/5/2003, 6:21 pm

that was the only thing worthwile in my day so far.

by **superboots** » 12/5/2003, 6:24 pm

for some reason your story reminds me of 1984

*shrugs*

by **veryoldshoelace** » 12/5/2003, 6:49 pm

I think that it sounds pretty good, but if "2 years after the revolution" is the title then i dotn really like that

by **I AM ME** » 12/5/2003, 6:49 pm

yeah a hint of 1984, which isn't a bad thing, any book about a man and a woman in this situation is going to be a bit 1984ish. I really like it so far, your writing is very descriptive and fluid so far, great work! post more :nod:

by **happening fish** » 12/7/2003, 2:47 pm

blue eyed soul wrote:alex, i will submit all of my work to you for proofreading.

i'm always happy to help :lol:

by **I AM ME** » 12/21/2003, 12:58 am

*waits*

by **Lando** » 12/21/2003, 7:38 am

I personally think the streets part that Alex criticized is important because if you want to give people a good visual concept of drastic change and you know what those places look like, you can visualize an incredible difference.

by **Joanne** » 12/21/2003, 9:24 am

sound really good to me, i wish i could write like that

by **doug** » 12/22/2003, 12:39 pm

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

by **Solidarity 9-6347** » 12/22/2003, 1:32 pm

be nice

by **doug** » 12/22/2003, 1:46 pm

sorry.

gaaaaaaaaaaaay!

by **trentm32** » 12/22/2003, 2:26 pm

I dig it. if I saw that intro on a book in a book store, I would likely give it a shot.

by **starvingeyes** » 12/22/2003, 2:59 pm

to:doug
from:me

message: i hate you. i hope nothing good ever happens to you again for the duration of your pathetic, wasteful life. you have no purpose.

by **Solidarity 9-6347** » 12/22/2003, 5:24 pm

sibling rivalry!!!

*grabs popcorn*

by **Clumsy7Thief** » 12/22/2003, 5:28 pm

Mmmmm, popcorn. :drool:

ClumsyMonkey.net

2 years after the revolution

2 years after the revolution

Who is online