Dear Freshman scum,
I’m pretty sure that today you are going home, on the bus no less, to complain to your parents about your large amount of homework and how your teacher doesn’t care about how you didn’t understand last week’s lesson at all. I am here to tell you that things do indeed get worse. The hardest thing that you have going for you is maybe ninth grade honors English… and even then, you guys get Ms. West instead of Mrs. Makridakis.
Pretty much everything that you learn is related to dum dum dum... (dramatic pause)… COLLEGE. So basically, you’re learning to go and learn. But hey, we don’t make the system, we just follow it. Freshman and sophomore year are your time to boost that GPA. Believe me, if you whine about how hard your freshman year is no one will care except for maybe the sophomores. We don’t care that you’re failing earth science because you spend the majority of the time flirting with your lab partner. So whine to someone else.
Also, don’t brag about your 3.999999 GPA when you are taking easy classes (ie. Oceanography, English core, etc. etc.) We don’t want to hear about that because well it’s very annoying for someone to brag about being smart when they take easy classes. Remember, classes are very competitive. I am fifth in the senior class and I have a 4.064 GPA. The top fifteen have over 4.0s. You’re not that special, so don’t think you are.
Well, freshman scum, I am calling you that not because I am mean, but because that is what you are. I am very sure that you are a very unique individual and you have great qualities about yourself. I was a freshman scum once too. And next year, I will be freshman scum again. This is just the way that the world works.
There are a few things that I want you to know about high school now. I will leave them here in a list so it will be easy to reference
-Don’t rely on the Sunny Store. No one has any idea what their hours are. Sure, the signs say 7:10 to 7:25, but it is more than likely never open. Buy your goggles at Home Depot.
-If you get Miss Willis for Chemistry, I feel bad for you. Wait, no I don’t. At all. I had her for Chemistry, and I turned out fine. Well, that’s debatable.
-Don’t spend the majority of your time trying to fit in with the “goths” or the “punks” as much as you think you are trying to be an individual by trying to be a part of the counterculture. You are really not. So don’t dye your hair black and listen to The Cure and say that you’re different. You’re really not.
-High school is another word for drama. So is college. Hell all of life is drama. So get used to it now.
-Don’t go to a college because it’s good at football. I’m sure there are many colleges out there that are good academically that have bad football teams… or *gasp* no football teams at all.
-Don’t go to a college because your best friend is going there. The majority of the time you end up hating them anyway. Plus who can stand rooming with someone who’s not on drugs?
-Skip school before or after an AP Exam. You’re brain will be fried afterward. You are entitled to Waffle House and a slurpee and some hanging out at Princess Anne park.
-Take AP Psychology… it’s the easiest AP class in the school. It will boost your GPA by 0.421 woot woot.
-You can make fun of the kids that go to Salem Middle School, but that’s about it. So enjoy it.
-Get a teacher to adopt you. I suggest Ms. Hofler in the Art Department or Mrs. Duncan if you are interested in journalism. Maybe Miss Whaley in the computer room, she gives free movie passes for holidays to the students she likes.
-Work hard in school because when college applications come out, you can laugh at all of the kids who are wondering if they can get into a strong community college. Laugh at them because there is no such thing.
-At school assemblies, sit somewhere where the principal can’t hear you. That way, when the man is talking about not being able to have a senior cruise because of the senior class before yours, and he says that the alternative will be much better than senior cruise, he won’t hear you when you say, “What could be better than sex on a boat?”
-Actually try hard in school, go to a good college, and get a good job. Everyone will love you because you will be paying for their welfare.
**I guess most of this you won't understand. The funny part about telling people to take AP Psych is because it's the hardest AP teacher we have. So hahaha! on the kids who take it and will be thinking they're going to have a walk in the park. Miss Willis is this lady who has been teaching chemistry for like 60 years. And in class, she had to ask me how the book got answers. She also taught my AP Chemistry teacher and she got a D in Miss Willis's class even though she knows a lot of stuff. Uuum. I think everything else is pretty much universal.**